I’ll Have One Christmas, Hold the Guilt

'Tis the season! The lights are going up, the movies are coming out, the weather is turning cold, and my Chicago Bears are melting down into season-ending turmoil. It can only mean one thing: Christmas is coming!

I absolutely love Christmas, but do you know what I don't love? Financial stress, unforeseen debt, and guilt. This is the annual season where millions of families will throw away their measure and discretion for just one more taste of the holiday spirit. Between the decorations, travel, gifts, food, and hosting, it's not uncommon for families to rack up thousands of dollars of expenses (often with debt).

Unfortunately, these expenses are often unbudgeted. They are impulsive, reactionary, and unplanned. But the magic of the season is intoxicating, so we just go along with it. Come early January, it's not uncommon for people to feel significant stress, tension, resentment, and guilt. By the time the Christmas spirit lifts, we're left with a nasty hangover. Have you ever been there before?

Multiple times in the last week, I've talked to families equally anxious as they are excited for the holiday season. On the one hand, they can't wait to share those special moments with the kids, but on the other hand, are dreading the seemingly unavoidable consequences.

I think you deserve better than the most wonderful season of the year to rob you of your peace, freedom, and sanity. You deserve to experience all the joy, without any of the guilt. So today, I'm going to give you a few ideas on how to do Christmas differently:

• Remember that Christmas joy is not derived from money, stuff, or status. Joy is joy.....period.

• Go into the season with a plan. If you're the budgeting type (and I hope you are!), ensure you have money allocated for each component of the season: gifts, travel, decor, food, hosting, etc. Name each and put a dollar figure on them.

• Speaking of budgeting for gifts, make a list of every person you want to buy a gift for. Then, assign a dollar amount to that person. Shop with boundaries.

• Commit to NOT using debt. There's no need to whip out the credit card. I know it's tempting, as it always is, but there's so much peace that comes from knowing everything you paid for is actually paid for.

• Follow the plan. If you said you would spend $500 on gifts, spend $500 on gifts. Don't spend $700, $800, or $1,200. Once you commit, commit. I don't care what the number is for any category, but you must honor yourself by honoring past you's decisions.

• Remember again that money, stuff, and status don't bring joy.

• Slow down your schedule, not speed it up. Embrace the time with your loved ones. Savor it. Don't cram as much in as possible.

• Remember the reason for the season. In our house, that's Jesus.

I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful holiday season for you and your family. It's been a crazy year. Enjoy this final chapter of it.

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The Alternative to Poof

I received a lot of fun feedback from yesterday's post. Many of you were glad I went there, and some of you even sent me screenshots of social media posts from businesses in your area going poof by weaponizing the owner's values. Others, though, were critical of me and my approach.....which they paired with hitting the unsubscribe button.

One critic was thoughtful in his approach. He ended his critique with the question, "So what's the alternative?"

The smart-alec in me wanted to respond, "The alternative to telling half your potential customers they are evil is to just NOT tell half your potential customers they are evil." But that felt too sharp, and I wanted to add a bit more value. Here's the secret: excellence! Always excellence.

If one of your customers agrees with everything you stand for, serve them with excellence.

If one of your customers flies in the face of everything you stand for, serve them with excellence. No exceptions.

Everyone deserves to be served with dignity and hospitality, regardless of their beliefs. I have many clients who have different values and beliefs than I do, and I wholeheartedly believe they deserve the same level of excellence I would try to give anyone else. They deserve it!

Let's flip it around. While not all of us are business owners, every single person reading this is a consumer. We buy products and services. We choose which products and services we need/want, and we choose who to purchase them from.

If you buy products or services from a company that has weaponized the owner's values against people like you, that, by definition, is the opposite of excellence. You're being treated like dirt, and you feel like it, too. You should probably buy your products and services elsewhere.

If you buy products or services from a company that has weaponized the owner's values in favor of people like you, and it causes you to want to "support" them more, that's the opposite of excellence. That type of consumer behavior, which is far too common and is borderline cultish, perpetuates non-excellence and shields businesses from having to earn it.

Both scenarios lead away from excellence. However, with our responsibility and opportunity, we consumers have the power to force businesses to be excellent. If we always reward excellence and always punish non-excellence, it will, on the whole, raise the bar for businesses all around us. Non-excellent businesses will either become excellent, or die. Excellent businesses will feel the pressure of other businesses becoming more excellent, and find new ways to improve. Everyone wins (except for businesses that refuse to pursue excellence).

It all comes down to us, the consumers. Will we reward values, or reward excellence? Will we justify bad behavior, or demand better? Will we patronize businesses that make us feel like crap, or find one that will actually add value to our journey? The average American makes 60 purchases per month, or roughly two per day. Will you demand excellence from your two today?

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Preserving My Midlife Crisis

In a few hours, I'll (temporarily) say goodbye to the 350Z. Our midwest winter is setting in, and it's time to store it away for the winter. I'm getting its oil changed, then delivering it to client, friend, and blog reader Emma's house where it will be kept safe and sound until spring. When I published a Facebook post asking if anyone was interested in making some storage income for the winter, Emma was the first person to text me. I quickly thanked her and confirmed I was in, to which she responded, "Really excited to help you preserve your midlife crisis." Wow, Emma.

It's been eight months since I finally checked the box on my 17-year dream of owning a 2006 Nissan 350Z stick-shift convertible. As I put it away for the winter, I thought today would be a good day to reflect on my decision.

In short, wow, what a rich and meaningful decision to purchase that car. It was easily the best $9,000 I've ever spent on something. It has been everything I hoped it would be, and more:

• I spent many hours cruising around town with my kids this summer, blaring Twenty One Pilots and making multiple pitstops at various ice cream establishments.

• Driving it as my daily commuter added a new richness and enjoyment to the repetitiveness of day-to-day life.

• I made road trips to Omaha, Minneapolis, KC, and Colorado, each providing a unique open-road, top-down experience.

• Several friends drove the car, and it was fun seeing the smiles on their faces.

Finny and I out for an afternoon cruise.

A particular conversation occurred on multiple occassions, each resembling this one:

Friend: "Wow, that car is amazing. I wish I could afford something like that."

Me: "Well, it cost about one-sixth of what you paid for that truck out there."

Friend: .........

What I want people to know about wants, meaning, and value-based decision-making is that we don't have to break the bank to journey into fun endeavors. $9,000 isn't nothing, but it's also not what most people default to when considering a fun purchase like this. We don't have to completely sabotage our finances to enjoy life. We can be measured, intentional, humble, and dutiful in our approach. This purchase didn't materially hinder our financial lives, but it sure added a lot of value to our family.

I'm not suggesting everyone should replicate my decision. Rather, I'm trying to make the argument that we should find things that add value to our lives, and we don't need to implode our financial lives to do so.

I also believe there's a time and place for everything. I waited 17 years to purchase this car. In hindsight, it cost me far less by waiting those 17 years, while being more valuable to me 17 years later than had I purchased it any time sooner.

I have nothing but gratitude and fondness for this decision. Yes, it's just a possession. Yes, it will be in a landfill before I know it. No, it can't make me happy. But dang, I'm really glad we decided to go for it.

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Respecting Younger You

I have a seared-in memory of a youth group conversation that happened many years ago. One of the girls excitedly told the group that she had just received her new iPhone earlier that day. Mid-sentence, one of her friends interrupted, "Wait, didn't you just get a new phone a few months ago?"

"Yeah, I did, but that one broke"

Another kid pops in, "This is like your third phone this school year."

"Well, fourth. They keep breaking, so I need to replace them."

Another guy jumps into the discussion. "My dad told me that if I ever break my phone, I'm responsible for buying a new one."

The original girl was shocked. "That's terrible! You'll never be able to pay for a phone on your own. That's not fair!"

I looked at the guy and asked, "How many times have you ever broken your phone?"

"Never! I can't afford to. I'm very careful." The answer I was expecting!

There's a lot to be learned from this story. It's a story of entitlement, ownership, personal responsibility, and cause and effect.

_____________________

As I picked Finn and Pax up from their band practice last night, I witnessed Finn quickly turn 180 degrees, nearly causing his electric guitar to collide with the corner of a concrete wall. If he were standing two inches closer, we would have had a disaster on our hands.

As we got in the car, I explained to him that he needed to be more careful. He replied, "Well, if something happens to my guitar, we can just buy me a new one."

"If you break your guitar, you're responsible for buying a new one, Finn."

"What!?!? That's not fair. I don't have that much money."

"Well, you better be careful. I'll show you a better way to hold it when you're not playing it, but the responsibility to take care of it is yours."

_____________________

Cause and effect is a wonderful teacher; it's also a humbling one. When handling our finances and the possessions purchased with said finances, it's imperative that we steward it well. We shouldn't covet our money or things, but we ought to respect it. Kids struggle with this, but so do many adults. We're quick to blow money, break things, spend money on things we don't care bout, lose things, continue unused subscriptions, incur needless banking fees, rack up interest, and countless other mindless anti-stewardship actions.

Again, this isn't about penny-pinching, idolizing, or hoarding. It's about honoring the fruits of our labor and making the best use of our resources. Remember, every dollar you spend on something you don't care about is one dollar you can't spend on something you do. Therefore, be thoughtful, be intentional, and ensure you're paying proper respect for the work younger you put in to earn those resources.

Oh yeah, and have a great day!

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Parsing Needs Wisely

In yesterday's post, I shared about our experience watching the Iowa State Cyclones go 7-0 on a last-minute comeback win on Saturday. I'm still riding that high, though somewhat disappointed we fell one spot (to #10 in the country) in the latest poll. Don't worry, I'm not going to rant about ISU football again today. Rather, this most recent game reminds me of a story from last week.

I was chatting with a friend about the upcoming football game, which was supposed to be a blackout (all-black uniforms and fans also wearing black). Amidst our conversation, my friend lamented, "Ugh, we need to buy black ISU gear for the game. That's gonna cost at least a few hundred dollars."

He immediately spotted the confused look on my face, then added, "What? Didn't you hear it's a blackout? We need to wear black, and we don't have any. So we need to go buy some."

See the common theme here? Need, need, need. My response was simple: "Or you could just wear non-black ISU attire......or you could wear black non-ISU attire. You don't NEED to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes just for this game."

He looked at me like I was absolute idiot! While I'm all for dressing the part, there's zero chance I'm going to spend a ton of money to buy gear just so I can fit in for a one-time event......especially if it's not part of my budget. This guy, on the other hand, was ready to sabotage his family’s finances over it. It wasn't this specific decision that was going to sabotage him, though. It's the fact he regularly blurs the line between need and want, and then makes poor financial decisions accordingly. It continually puts stress on him and his marriage, all in the name of "need."

I tried to sell him on a different perspective, but he wasn't having it. He said this is just part of life, and real fans would understand. I told him this wasn't about football gear, but he again wasn't having it. It wasn't all bad news, though. He ended this part of our chat with, "But you can use this in your blog." Grateful, my man!

As you can see in the photo I included in yesterday's post, we were wearing black, but it wasn't splattered with ISU logos. We didn't go shopping. We didn't blow a bunch of money on special gear for the occasion. However, we did have an amazing time and we'll probably remember it for decades to come. Nothing about our experience was a need. It was a series of fun wants that added up to a wonderful evening.

It's important to parse our needs wisely. Needs are needs, and it's important to recognize them as such. But the moment we try to square-peg-round-hole a want into a need, our decision-making becomes tainted. That’s counter-productive and destructive. Be true to yourself and be honest with the person in the mirror. You’ll always be better off for it.

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More Begets More

I became fascinated by watches in my early 20s. After purchasing a relatively nice one, I wanted more watches. Before too long, I had collected more than 20.

I purchased a pretty cool car when I was a sophomore in college. I loved it so much that I soon wanted an even cooler car (when I actually had money).

I purchased my first house when I was 26 years old. It was plenty of house for me, but after a while (as my income kept growing), I wanted a bigger house.

I visited a custom tailor on my first trip to Asia, where I purchased my first hand-made suit. This experience sparked a desire to buy more custom suits.

I started drinking bourbon about five years ago. After a friend gifted me a high-end bottle, it made me want to start buying more bottles to add to my collection.

More begets more. More is the gateway drug to more. The moment we pursue more, we encounter the slippery slope of materialism. It's intoxicating; it's alluring. It also feels innocent enough. Small incremental decisions that will seemingly make us happy. Most decisions are small enough not to alter our lives materially.

We also find great ways to justify our decisions:

• That house is an investment.

• That car is more reliable than our last one.

• That suit makes us look more professional (status increase).

• Those watches and bottles of bourbon aren't terribly expensive, so why not!?!?

I'm grateful I avoided most of this slippery slope (after that initial watch binge). Some would call it perspective; others might call it luck. Whatever it is, I'm so glad I didn't detrimentally succumb to a dangerous path. It's not for lack of want, though. Each of these things tugs at my psyche and desires. It's not the want that hurts us, but rather the decisions that come from it.

While I've done a decent job avoiding these pitfalls, many people aren't as fortunate. This is one of the biggest traps I see families fall into. Once they taste more, they want more. And the problem with more is that every time we get more, more is still, well, more. Thus begins the materialism death spiral.

There are many consequences of this materialistic journey. We live a more strained life (lack of margin). We might not save for future needs. We inadvertently give up other purchases that would actually add more value to our lives. We refrain from being generous. We make career choices focused on the money (i.e. not the meaning). It creates tension in our marriages. The ratchet tightens.....all because we decide to chase more.

I'll let you decide where you see yourself in these stories, but regardless of where you land, I have good news and bad news:

• Bad News: We're not stuck in one place. If you feel like you have your materialistic urges in check, there's always a risk of falling into the trap if you're not careful.

• Good News: We're not stuck in one place. If you've already gone down the wrong road, there's always time to pull it back the other way. You can do it!

You got this!

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More Expensive, But Cheaper

My friend Ryan swears by Helm Boots. Whenever he talks about them, or I see him wearing them, I want to buy a pair.....until I see the $300 price tag. Ouch!

I usually spend about $100 on a pair of boots, and I typically buy a new pair each year. $100 is a very reasonable price, and it feels like I get a lot for my money. Ryan, on the other hand, spends more than $300 on his!!! Here's his selling point: "Yeah, but I've been wearing this pair for six years!"

While it's true that he spends 3x as much as I do on his boots, mine are actually 2x more expensive than his ($100/year vs. $50/year). His are far more expensive than mine, yet cheaper.

When we boil this silly story down, it's really just a tale of quality over quantity. When we spend a little more money on things that have durability and longevity, they often provide a lower long-term cost. We're thinking long-term, not short-term. We're paying more today in exchange for less tomorrow. A different form of delayed gratification. Everything we own will end up in a landfill in due time, but perhaps it’s in our best interest to purchase things that will take longer to get there.

What's funny about this concept is that many of us embrace this principle in some areas, yet whiff on others. I buy solidly built vehicles, good jeans, and state-of-the-art technology (phones, TVs, computers, etc.) that lasts for a long time, yet I still buy crappy boots and cheap t-shirts that are trash within a year. It's funny how we have these little wiring quirks.

Where do you get this right? Wrong? It's worth looking in the mirror to assess it. Many of us could benefit from making some tweaks to our purchase decisions. It maybe more expensive on the front end, but much cheaper in the long run. Doing so also allows us to buy products that are just better…period. It’s a win/win!

Seriously, what are yours? I love hearing about other people's quirky wiring and behaviors. In the meantime, I'll be buying a pair of Helm boots!

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She Completely Blanked

I ran into a former client at a coffee shop recently. I haven't seen her or her husband in upwards of three years. As we exchanged pleasantries, she exclaimed, "We did it!!!" To be honest, I had no idea what she was talking about.....so I asked for clarification. "The trip!!!" Ah, yes, the trip! I knew exactly what she was talking about!

Ever since the day I first met her, she and her husband had been talking about going on a specific type of trip. It was an exotic and unique idea. It was also costly. This trip was a big mental and emotional roadblock for them during our coaching relationship. They had the ability to save up for it, but they hesitated. After all, it was expensive and they had many more "responsible" things they should do with their money. Therefore, they continually kicked the can down the road.

But eventually, long after I was gone, they decided to pull the trigger. They went on the trip of a lifetime! They sacrificed, saved, planned, and enjoyed.

After learning about this beautiful development during our coffee shop encounter, I asked her, "Well, how much did it end up costing?" This was a huge sticking point for them, and one of the main reasons they considered skipping it to begin with. She stared at me for about ten seconds, almost as if she was searching her brain for the applicable information. Then, she sheepishly responded, "I don't actually remember." I loved that answer.

This is one of the most perfect examples of meaning over money. She's telling me about the most memorable, beautiful, and game-changing trip she's ever been on. The one she's been dreaming about since she was a kid. The one she will be telling people about for the rest of her life. Then, in her next breath, she can't even remember how much it cost. So powerful!

They invested in experiences and memories. Yes, they have less money because of it. But they also have something in return that can never be taken from them: memories. These memories won't be hoarded in a bank account. They won't eventually end up in a landfill. They won't become boring and out-of-date. Decades from now, those memories will be just as beautiful - if not more - than the day they experienced them.

When I asked her about the memories, her face lit up and she talked my ear off. When I asked her about the cost, she completely blanked. That's telling. That's beautiful.

It’s Hard to Overcome Our Structure

Someone contacted me with a problem. A couple in their mid-40s, two kids. They believed they were being responsible with their money, but it felt nearly impossible to make financial progress. As they put it, they didn't waste money, spend money frivolously, or buy nice things. Yet, they lived month-to-month and had much financial tension in their marriage.

I sat down with them to review their numbers. Here's what I found (shared with their permission):

• Combined Take-Home Income: $8,200

• Mortgage Payment: $3,600

• Car Payments: $1,600

• Other Debt Payments: $700

Do you see a problem here? Just their house payment is 43% of their take-home income. The house plus the cars account for 63%. Then, when you tack on the rest of the debt, these three categories account for 72% of their take-home income.

That means they only have $2,300 left for all other needs, wants, giving, and saving. That's not nothing, but wow, it's tight. So when they say they don't waste a bunch of money or spend frivolously, I believe them. There's no money to waste!

Here was their question: "How do we find margin? Where do we cut?"

These are tough situations. Unfortunately, it's hard to overcome our structure. This family had created a really expensivefinancial structure for their household. Based on THEIR choices, more than 70% of their income was already spoken for before it hits their bank account. No amount of trimming or cutbacks can help this family remedy what ails them.

Whether we want to admit it or not, these are OUR choices. The cities we reside in. The residences we choose. The cars we buy. We can cry foul all we want, but at the end of the day, we have choices to make; and these choices will dictate our structure.

Here's what happened. I pointed out that there are very few options to help this family without them significantly altering their structure. They can't cut groceries, utilities, dining out, clothing, entertainment, or any other budget items enough to move the needle. It's hard to overcome our structure! I couldn't let them go home empty-handed, though. Here are the options I floated by them:

• Increase their income

• Downsize their residence

• Sell one or both vehicles (and replace them with cheaper alternatives).

• Use some of their assets to pay off their non-car and non-mortgage debt.

Outside of these four levers, very few options exist to help them. Their structure is their structure, and it must be addressed for what it is. It's tough, but reality.

I hope this family takes a hard look in the mirror and decides to take drastic action; only time will tell. I sincerely believe their life will unlock if they are willing to humble themselves and make difficult choices.

The same goes for you....and me. We can trim around the edges all we want, but our financial structure significantly impacts our journey. For some of you, it may be time to alter your structure.

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You Don’t Have to Justify Fun

I was meeting with a client when this came out of her mouth: "I really want to buy a ____, but I need to find a way to justify it."

Me: "You don't have to justify fun!"

Seriously! She doesn't need to justify fun, and neither do you! Do you ever find yourself trying to justify a purchase you "don't need?" We play this little mind game with ourselves constantly. At the heart of this toxic practice is guilt. Deeply ingrained, culturally driven, self-deprecating guilt. Therefore, we play mental gymnastics with ourselves in order to remove or lessen the guilt.

"I'm really stressed out right now, and I haven't been a good friend to Stacy lately, so it's okay if I buy a plane ticket to fly to San Diego to see her."

"I haven't spent much money lately, and I just had a good sales quarter, so I'm going to treat myself and buy this purse."

"I just lost 10 pounds, so I need to go buy a few new pairs of jeans."

"I don't get to see my friends much, so signing up for fantasy football is an investment in my relationships."

From an early age, many of us are made to feel guilty for spending money on things we don't need. Quit spending. Save. Be responsible. Don't waste your money. That's what many of us hear throughout our childhoods. Then, we eventually become adults and are given the car keys to life, and we're surprised when we struggle to spend money on ourselves without guilt, regret, or mental games?

I have a solution to this problem. If something adds at least as much value to your life as it costs you, buy it. Plan for it, allocate the money for it, buy it, and enjoy. No, don't be irresponsible and blow up your goals or other priorities; this isn't about being reckless. Rather, it's about being financially intentional, honest with yourself, and true to your values.

You want to fly to San Diego to visit your friend? Awesome! Put it in your budget and go.

You want to buy a new purse? Excellent! Make it happen.

You want a new pair of jeans? Great! Hop in the car and drive to the mall.

You want to play fantasy football with your boys? Sounds fun! Enjoy bombing your draft.....again.

We must remove the guilt if we want to have a healthy relationship with money. If we can't, we don't control our money.....our money controls us. And that, my friends, is a sign we've already lost the game.

Be intentional. Set your goals. Aggressively pursue them. Be generous along the way. Save responsibly. Serve others well. Live a meaningful life. Oh yeah, and don't justify fun!

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Being Responsibly Irresponsible

As is the case most days, I opened my Daily Meaning e-mail inbox yesterday to find a message from my friend Randy. Randy consistently responds to my blog posts, including words of encouragement, a representative story, additional wisdom, or alternative perspectives. Yesterday's was a bit different. He pointed out that some readers might find yesterday's post (about not impulsively wasting extra money) incongruent with my typical message of using money on "spending for memories and meaning." He didn't personally find it incongruent, but he suspected others would......and he was right. I subsequently received a handful of questions and responses indicating such.

On the one hand, I repeatedly beat on the drum of values-based spending, investing in memories, and finding meaning in our finances. Then yesterday, I leaned into this idea that we shouldn't impulsively spend "extra" money that comes into our lives. Instead, we should apply all extra income to wherever we are in our plan. See the possible incongruency here?

Here's the bridge for this perceived gap: responsibility and intentionality. It all comes down to those two things. If we don't take responsibility for our finances (pay for needs, save for future expenses, and give), our finances get disjointed.....and stressful! Yes, we should use some of our money for fun and memorable things. However, having our financial ducks in a row is a must. If we're behind on rent, can't put food on the table, and the utility companies threaten a shut-off, we probably shouldn't be dumping our money into lots of wants (today). We need to solidify the foundation. Responsibility is critically important!

Second, intentionality. As I often mention, I don't personally care where you choose to allocate your money. People have different values, priorities, passions, and situations. It's inevitable that your "right" is different from my "right." Here's the second part of my slogan. I don't personally care where you choose to allocate your money......as long as it's intentional. It's planned. It's purposeful. It fits within the context of our broader finances. With intentionality comes peace; with impulse comes regret.

Three of my clients recently traveled to Europe for some epic summer trips. Believe me, I've been living vicariously through them all summer!!!! The pictures are beautiful, and I suspect the memories are much sweeter. Each of these trips cost them anywhere between $6,000-$14,000. That's a lot of money, but they put a ton of intentionality into it. Some of these families have been saving this money for years. Month after month after month of saving. Then, the planning. They got the flights, then the hotels, then started filling the days with museums, trains, tours, and restaurant reservations. So much intentionality! By the time the trip arrived, they had zero financial stress and, carried themselves confidently, knowing their overall finances were intact and thriving.

Let's call this living responsibly irresponsible. Do the things other people judge you for. Make them roll their eyes. Let them question your sanity. But behind the scenes, do it with much intentionality and responsibility.

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The Verdict Is In

"How's the midlife crisis treating you?" asked my friend Emma as I was getting out of my new (to me) 2006 Nissan 350Z. "It's going fantastic! Thanks for asking," I responded. Emma, man! Always busting my chops!

This week marks the five-month mark since pulling the trigger on this car. Oddly enough, until yesterday, Sarah had only spent a grand total of five minutes in it. Then came yesterday. We did a 10-hour road trip to visit some of our closest friends and experience the opening night of Twenty One Pilot's new tour. Sarah and I had a blast. The top was down, the sun was up, the weather was beautiful, and the Twenty One Pilot music was blaring. The only negative is that Sarah can't drive a stick shift, so she gleefully allowed me to drive the entire 10 hours in one sitting (while she endured multiple sun-soaked naps).

The verdict is in. After five months of driving this car and 10 hours cruising across multiple states with Sarah, I can confidently testify that, besides some of our giving, this was the best $9,000 I've spent in my life. I waited 17 years to purchase this car, and it's lived up to every ounce of anticipation I could have ever imagined (and more).

I didn't need this car. There were more "responsible" things to do with $9,000. An investment in the stock market would have yielded a far better financial outcome than buying an 18-year-old car that will only go down in value. There are surely better financial decisions besides buying a fun car.

All of that is true, yet this one was one of the best decisions we've ever made. Why? Because not everything is about money. The amount of memories I've already made with this car is staggering. The boys love hopping in and cruising our town. They know exactly what songs they want to play. They know what ice cream shops to direct me to. They eagerly anticipate one-on-one time with their dad. It's not about money; it's about something much bigger.

- Pax proudly posing after a fresh wash

No, we don't need money to create memories. Memories are free. However, I'm so glad I chose to spend this $9,000 on this car. After 17 years of waiting, it seems like a fitting and poetic end to the story. Had I purchased it 17 years ago when I was a young single guy, it would have been cool.....but not this cool. Instead, I get to road trip with my wife. I get to have jam sessions with my sons. I get to let friends and youth group kids borrow it. It's so much more than money.

I hope you have your version of this. If you don't, I encourage you to find it. Don't make it about money. Don't obsess about making the right financial move. Make a decision that bends in favor of meaning. Create those memories! You won't regret it.

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Remorse is Setting In

We had a rough moment in our house last night. Both boys mowed the yard, resulting in a little paycheck. As always, 1/3 goes to their giving ziplock, 1/3 goes to their savings ziplock, and 1/3 goes into their wallets for spending. They were eager to receive the fruits of their labor, but reality quickly struck.

As they each opened their wallets to deposit their spending cash, they were welcomed to an empty cavern where money used to live. They were immediately upset at the idea of having no spending money (except for the cash they just earned). Sarah reminded them that they spent all their money on the 4th of July. I could see disappointment and buyer's remorse take over their expressions.

If I'm being honest, I loved it. I'm so glad this happened! They need to feel this way. It's imperative they learn these lessons the hard way. It's critical they understand the importance of wise decision-making. It's a growth opportunity to experience the regret of past decisions at the expense of future opportunities. They were mad at us, but at the heart of it, they were mad at their past decisions.

As parents, we must subject our children to these types of painful situations. It's not hurting them; it's helping them. Allowing them to fail and experience consequences is an exercise of love. It takes nearly zero effort to give our kids whatever they want. That's the easy way out. The difficult path, however, is having the fortitude and confidence to allow our kids to fail when we have the power to rescue them.

There will be more work. There will be more money. There will be more fun purchases. Next time, though, perhaps they will approach their decisions with a bit more wisdom. 7-year-old wisdom, but wisdom nonetheless. That's the win!

Let the kids fail. Let them feel pain. Let them learn the hard way. That's the gateway to growth, wisdom, and a brighter, healthier future.

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The Blink of An Eye

A little more than eight years ago, Sarah and I were a mid-30s couple who aspired to one day have children. Just a handful of days later, we were the parents of twin baby boys. We went from “we wish” to “oh crap” in about twelve seconds. We bought car seats, bottles, clothes, and diapers AFTER meeting them for the first time. We didn’t even have a room ready for them. Our lives forever changed in the blink of an eye. 

For as much as we think we have a firm grasp on our lives, reality often plays out differently. Birth, death, job loss, marriage, sickness, career shifts, divorce....all sudden forces that have the power to change our lives in the blink of an eye. There’s a problem, though. When we think we have a firm grasp on our lives, we act as though we have a firm grip on our lives. In the financial arena, it typically means that we create our personal cost structure that works for one reality: the present one. 

I often meet with couples who were feeling fairly confident in their finances for years, until _____ happened last month. As long as their family is healthy, employed, and not making any changes, they can keep the train on the tracks. However, when we structure our life so specifically, it doesn’t allow margin for life to happen.

It reminds me of a situation that still haunts me to this day. Many years ago, I was meeting with a couple. Two strong careers, no kids. They lived in a beautiful home, drove luxury cars, and took exotic trips. Between their hefty mortgage, two obscene car payments, and a glitzy lifestyle, their monthly expenses absorbed most of their income. I asked them about kids. I recommended they start making some shifts in lifestyle to create margin for changing circumstances. Namely, I suggested they consider what-if scenarios that may include one of them working part-time or staying home completely. Before I could finish, the wife snapped at me, “I’m not staying home. Zero chance!” They completely shut that conversation down. Over the next few meetings, I tried to bring it up again, pointing out that sometimes, but not all the time, having children shifts career aspirations and jumbles priorities. Again, they were adamant there’s zero chance of either staying home. Thus, they continued down the same path. 

Fast forward 18 months, and they gave birth to a beautiful baby. Then comes our next coaching session. Wanna guess what the topic of conversation was? The wife, now a mom, was desperate to stay home with her baby. Life changed in the blink of an eye, but they structured a life that works for just one reality. When I visually showed them there was no way she could stay home (or even work part-time) without completely gutting their lifestyle (house, cars, travel, etc.), there were a lot of tears. So sad!

Life can change in the blink of an eye. Knowing that, it’s imperative that we structure our life in a way that allows us to shift with it.

Humility Is a Powerful Tool

I received lots of feedback from yesterday's post about how inflation is clamping down on millions of families. Many of you said something to the tune of, "It's like you read my mind" and "I'm glad I'm not the only one." I'm glad you feel seen and heard!

However, I did receive one piece of criticism. I somewhat expected it, as it's a sensitive topic with many. Here's the line that got several people fired up: "If you have assets tied to debt (and hefty loan payments), you might consider selling them. One of my clients sold their vehicle, and it immediately freed up $800/month from the car payment being done."

As one reader put it, "Selling a car doesn't fix anything! You still have to buy another car."

Fair point. That's true. This family sold a car but then had to buy one. So today, I thought I'd illustrate what this concept looks like in practice.

This family had two vehicles. One was a large SUV (the wife's vehicle), and the other was a truck (the husband's vehicle). The wife's vehicle had a $442 monthly payment, and the husband's had an $812 monthly payment. These payments, combined with several other factors, resulted in significant financial stress due to a shrinking margin caused by inflation. They were hurting! Their marriage was hurting!

After several conversations, they realized changes must be made. While it took about six months, they ultimately decided the most effective and best decision was to sell the husband's truck to wipe out the monthly payment. The truck was worth about $65,000, and they owed $60,000.

After selling it, they had about $5,000 in cash and $812/month extra in their budget (plus whatever they were spending on insurance)......but they still needed a vehicle. They took the $5,000 from the sale of the truck, combined it with another $6,000 from savings, and purchased a modest used car for $11,000 in cash.

Just like that, they waved their magic wand and freed up $812/month in cashflow. That decision changed everything for them, financially speaking. However, there was another side to this story. In order to execute on this plan, they needed one more thing: humility. This was a public act. One day, he was driving around in this big, fancy truck, and the next, he was driving a car that would impress nobody. That act requires humility and a keen sense of what's truly important. I'm so proud of them for taking that step.

Further, their decision to take that step is the gateway for so much growth and contentment. They unlocked a new level in their relationship with each other and their relationship with the world around them. It's no longer about what other people think, but what adds the most value to their family. They are playing a new game, a better game.

They took responsibility. They took action. They led with humility. Their lives are better as a result. It’s a beautiful recipe.

The Clamps Are Tightening

Do you ever feel like you make good enough money and manage it well, yet there's simply no margin in your financial life? If so, you aren't alone. Millions of families in this country are experiencing this phenomenon. Inflation has wreaked havoc on so many people. What not long ago felt like a respectable income has turned into "just scraping by." Even though inflation is going down, its consequences are here to stay. This is a common misconception about inflation. When inflation goes down, it doesn't mean prices go down. Rather, it means prices are going up less quickly from their now-inflated levels. It's a mess.

I regularly meet with families that make $8,000, $10,000, or $12,000/month of take-home income, barely making ends meet. Much of this can be attributed to the cost structure established by the family prior to inflation setting in, which is difficult to change. It's embarrassing for people, and they feel alone. After all, it's weird to tell your friends or family members, "Yeah, I know we make $160,000 per year, but we're really struggling." That sort of conversation will make people play their miniature violins with their eyes rolling. Therefore, people suffer in silence.

It feels like the clamps are tightening. We can stave off the financial pressure for a while, but eventually, it starts to add up. The normal life costs keep increasing until they've squeezed out the margin. One-off expenses, such as medical bills, car maintenance, and house repairs slowly bleed people dry. We make purchase decisions that entrap us in debt. We experience shocks to our income. One by one, families are breaking.....it's so sad!

If any of this hits home for you, perhaps what I'm about to say next can help you relieve some of your pressure. Here is a menu of options to help you navigate a tight financial season:

• Find areas of your monthly budget to cut. You may need to trim down on dining out, travel, or other wants.

• If you have assets tied to debt (and hefty loan payments), you might consider selling them. One of my clients sold their vehicle, and it immediately freed up $800/month from the car payment being done.

• Temporarily tone down your investment contributions.

• Temporarily stop saving toward your sinking funds. Yes, these are important, but it's more important to keep the financial train on the tracks.

• Find extra income. A side hustle or side job can relieve a ton of financial pressure.

• If you're not sitting on a cheap mortgage, it might be time to downshift your housing.

You aren't alone! But at the same time, the burden of navigating it is on you. I don't like it any more than you do, and I think we have some major problems on our hands, but it's the reality we're stuck with (for now). We must face it head-on so our families can live to fight another day. It's a tall order, but you got this!

I'm happy to chat if you have any questions about your own situation. This is a scary and prevalent issue, and you don't need to face it alone.

Stumbling Into Memories

I had a weird and fun experience last night. I made a quick 24-hour trip to Omaha for a few meetings. On a quick fuel stop en route to my destination, I booked a hotel room so I would have a place to land when I got there. It's a hotel we've stayed at before. I knew what I was getting, which was good enough for me. As I pulled my car up to the main door to check in, I noticed a surprising number of people walking around wearing college gear. That's when it dawned on me, "Oh yeah, I think the College World Series is going on right now." Then it dawned on me that the CWS is immediately across the street from my hotel….Awesome! Then, after a quick Google search, I realized last night was THE final game of the tournament. Championship round, best of three games, Tennessee and Texas A&M tied 1-1. Holy cow! The final game of the CWS was taking place in mere hours, mere feet from where I was sleeping. 

A view of the stadium from the front door of my hotel

Yes, I was tired. Yes, I was hoping to take it easy. Yes, I had work to do. Yes, the heat index was 112 degrees. Yes, I had an early wake-up time the next morning. But when we stumble into memories, we must seize them! I jumped into the SeatGeek app and found the cheapest ticket available ($53). Two hours later, I was watching the final game of the CWS (in which the Tennessee Vols won their first-ever national championship). Unreal!

As I always say (which is a tribute to my friend Gary Hoag), the two best investments in life are mission and memories. Sometimes, we need to intentionally create memories; other times, we stumble into them. However, we must do one thing when we stumble into them: say "yes." There were a million reasons I wanted to decline. This wasn't part of my plan. I wasn't prepared. Did I mention the heat index was 112 degrees?!?!? But that's how some of the best memories go down. My "yes" or "no" decision was the gateway to determining my fate. I ultimately said "yes," and I'm so glad I did. I experienced something I never thought I would. I wish my friends or family were with me, but it was an amazing experience. 

It was a perfect combination of a little luck, a wise "yes*," and a $53 financial investment. One of the biggest bargains of my life. 

I hope you're intentional about creating memories along your journey, but I also hope you say "yes" when you stumble into them as well. Oftentimes, those are the most special ones. Don’t miss those blessed opportunities to add richness to your life.

*I originally said "no" about 4 times, then almost said "no" AFTER buying my ticket, then almost said "no" mid-game (3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th innings) due to the extreme heat and sun. But I didn't! I honored my "yes" and I was rewarded handsomely for it.

Sucker For a Vanilla Dish

I found a new life hack. A few times per week, I get mentally stuck. Call it paralysis, brain fog, or distraction. Whatever it is, I just can't get the motor going to power through whatever tasks are on the agenda.

Whenever this happens, I hop in the convertible, drive to Sonic, and order a small vanilla dish. Then, I sit under the sun, with the car stereo playing, enjoy my ice cream, and think. No distractions, no motives, and no pressure. Just me, the sun, a delicious ice cream, a little music, and my thoughts. It sounds silly, but that's turned into such a beautiful time for me to reset my brain and process the various ideas bouncing around my head. Many of my blog ideas are born in that space.

It costs me $3 and 20 minutes of my day, a small investment for a considerable payoff. During a recent vanilla dish pilgrimage, I was thinking about how valuable certain financial and time investments can be in our lives. Not all spending is created equal. Many of our expenditures make little to no actual impact on our lives. Then, some silly $3, 20-minute investment in a mid-day Sonic run can totally move the needle.

If we were wise, we would take inventory of all the things we invest our money and time into and assess how much value we're receiving for the cost. If it's valuable, keep it. If it's not, cut it. When we do that, it's amazing how many things we'll discover are an absolute waste. Conversely, it's funny to see how many things that are seemingly ridiculous or "wasteful" are actually valuable.

What about you? What vanilla dishes exist in your life? Where do you find tremendous value in something that may otherwise be considered ridiculous or "wasteful?" Inquiring minds want to know!

5-Star Dining at a 2-Star Establishment

I hope all the dads and grandpas had a wonderful Father's Day yesterday. We made a quick trip to my parents' house for the weekend, where my dad and I spent Saturday doing body work on my new car. The car is in pretty good shape overall, but 18 years of life has provided a few scrapes and scars along its journey. Here’s an updated pick after removing the chip guard film and restoring the headlights.

We drove home yesterday morning so I could coach Finn and Pax's last soccer game of the season (and they won the league championship!). It was 90+ degrees out, so we grabbed some ice cream afterward, and then took a wonderful nap. To finish the night, we had a little Father's Day dinner out.

IHOP. Yes, IHOP. It's not my favorite place in the world, but the family was craving breakfast, and they have a kids-eat-free special. We had a great time together, and it was the perfect way to cap off a great Father's Day.

While I love a 5-star restaurant as much as the next person, not all meals need to be profound. Sometimes, it's just about creating memories over some simple food. The food was just that: simple. However, we had a blast together, and everyone walked out happy and full.

Over the years, our dining out budget has varied. During our pre-kid debt payoff years, the budget was $100/month. During our pre-kid post-debt years, the budget was at least $500/month (we had a lot of fun dining in that season!). After the twins were born, our dining out dropped to around $200/month (a few nice date nights). After I left my prior career and we took a 90% pay cut to start over, it went back down to about $100/month. Today, we're in the $250/month range.

We NEVER deviate from the budget. If we have money left, we use it. If we don't we don't. It's one of the ways Sarah and I show commitment to our budget, which we negotiate and agree upon at the beginning of each month. We don't exceed it....no exceptions. Sometimes, that sucks. Sometimes, it's frustrating to be 20 days into the month with no dining out remaining. But that's on us. That's our fault. That was our mistake; therefore, it's our burden and consequences.

That level of self-discipline changes things. It forces us to make wise decisions. If we can't bend the rules, then we must find a way to live within the rules. We can always create new rules next month, but this month's rules are this month's rules. Sometimes that means we get to eat at a Michelin-starred restaurant, and sometimes we eat at IHOP. Both are wins, by the way.

That's the beauty of setting financial guardrails in our lives. It's not something we have to do, but rather something we get to do. Once the rules are set, we have the creativity to work within them with no guilt, no regret, and no remorse. Freedom through boundaries.

The Arms Race of Materialism

We have an arms race on our hands. It's a sexy, intoxicating endeavor: the violently aggressive pursuit of more. Bigger houses, newer cars, grander trips, trendier clothes. More, more, more. The problem with more is that every time we get more, more is still more. Ironically, it's an unwinnable race.

I recently met with a young couple who wanted some guidance. I'll lay out the scenario. Both spouses have good jobs at well-respected companies. They live in a big house (their "forever home"), drive new vehicles, and go on extravagant trips (of which the photos get repeatedly posted on their various social media channels). They are the couple everyone else looks at with jealousy and/or inspiration. People wonder how they are so rich, and aspire to be as "successful" as them.

However, as I can attest from my coaching experience, it's not always as it seems. Often, when we pull back the curtain, a different story reveals itself. This couple has a monthly after-tax take-home income of about $10,000. Their house payment is around $3,000/month, and they have two car payments totaling $1,700/month. Yes, their house and cars alone absorb approximately 47% of their take-home income. That feels tight to me, and it feels tight to them. They are stressed, but "It's worth it. We worked hard. We deserve it." No regrets, though.

Now, the twist. The reason for our meeting was to discuss their next steps. What next steps, you ask? They want to buy a different house—their new "forever home." That's the thing about the pursuit of more. Every time we get more, more is still more. What's a "forever home" today is just another house six months from now. Anyway, after doing the math, we concluded that this new house will cost them about $4,200/month.

Are you scratching your head yet? They are stressed with their current $3,000/month house payment, but want to increase it to $4,200? Yes, correct. This begs the question, "Why?" It took a few minutes to get there, but I finally got the real answer. Their best friends are building a new house (i.e. better than theirs), making them want to upgrade, too. It's the arms race!

I tried to explain that more isn't the answer. Meaning over money. Living with purpose. Career flexibility. Not allowing financial stress to drive a wedge into their marriage behind closed doors. Nevertheless, they left that meeting with a burning desire to build their new "forever home."

It's easy to dismiss this couple as "crazy" or an anomaly, but they represent a growing contingent in this country. I meet with multiple families per week who are deeply invested in the arms race of materialism. People are enveloped in it.

While I generally do a good job leaving my work at work, some of these families keep me up at night. I'm terrified of what's coming. A reckoning will happen. Perhaps soon. Perhaps decades from now. But it's coming. I repeatedly see how this story ends, and it's a nightmare.

Are you caught caught up in the arms race? If so, maybe today is the day to finally lay down your weapons.

Note: This couple granted me permission to share their story anonymously. I'm not sure why, but I'm grateful they did.