Pushing Through the Pain

My son Pax ran his first 5K this weekend. He carried himself with a combination of excitement and anxiousness in the days leading up to the race. More than anything, he just didn't know what to expect. But as we were mere moments from beginning the race, he was beyond excited.

I told him I would stay by his side every minute of the race. He would set the pace, and I'd stick with him. The opening moments were fantastic.....which lasted all of a half mile. Then, things turned south quickly. I'm not sure he had ever ran more than a half mile in his life, so I was expecting 3.1 miles to break him......and break him it did! His legs hurt. His foot hurt. His lungs hurt. He was facing physical, mental, and emotional demons. He wanted to quit. It was too hard. He wasn't good enough. He wasn't strong enough. He didn't belong there. The self-talk was crushing. There was crying. There was yelling. There was the innocent 8-year-old kid's version of swearing.

My goal was to push him hard enough to step up to the challenge, but not so hard that he'd snap. I would pick out a landmark in the distance and say, "Alright, man, we're going to jog from here to that yellow sign, then we'll walk again. Let's push through the pain." He'd say no a few times, then relent. Then, we'd repeat that cycle all over again.

As we turned the final corner and approached the last tenth of a mile, we could see the finish line. "Pax, I want you to sprint to the finish line with everything you got. Don't leave any gas left in the tank. Just go for it!" And he did! He took off and gave it everything he had. He collapsed to the ground as soon as he crossed the finish line. I couldn't tell if he was happy, sad, angry, or some other emotion. Ultimately, I realized he was just really dang proud of himself. He did something he didn't think was possible. He pushed through the pain, and that was a grander award than any medal he could have received.

Pushing through the pain is one of life's greatest lessons. Success isn't accomplished in the absence of pain. Rather, it's something that happens amidst, in, and through the pain. Pain is inevitable, but it's what we do with the pain that dictates our fate.

This applies to 5Ks, money, work, entrepreneurship, relationships.....everything! Please don't avoid pain. Don't run away from it. Don't hide from it. Pain isn't something to be avoided. It's something to be confronted head-on. When we do, we grow. We win. We prove to ourselves that we can (and should) do things that matter.

I don't know if Pax will ever run a 5K again, but I'm 100% certain he just learned a valuable lesson that will carry with him for decades to come. Push through the pain!

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The Kids Don’t Care

I recently spent time with a couple who are struggling. Both spouses have great jobs, and their combined income is much higher than the average family's. However, they are stressed, burned out, and frustrated with life. Between their jobs and other commitments, they barely have time for their kids. By the time they all get home at night and eat dinner, they're lucky to have 30 minutes with the kids before bedtime. They feel like spectators in their own lives, watching their kids being raised by other people.

I mostly listened, taking it all in. It pained me to hear how discontent they are with their lives. The part about rarely seeing their kids was especially brutal. Then, I asked what seemed like an obvious question to me: "Well, why do you do it?"

"Our kids deserve a good life."

In their opinion, all of this hard work, long hours, stressful weeks, and the amazing income it all provides was worth it because it allowed them to provide their kids with a high standard of living which they "deserved.". This family is checking all the boxes: the house, the cars, the clothes, the trips, the activities, the clubs. Their kids are livin' the life!

My response: "The kids don't care!"

This is a hard pill for most parents to swallow, but the kids don't give a rip about any of it. We may think they do, and they may say things that lead us to believe they do, but they don't! What kids care about is having their parents present. A healthy household, engaging relationships, active discipline, a shoulder to lean on, someone to show them love, and the opportunity to make memories. They don't care about money, stuff, or status.

I've interviewed hundreds of people about their childhood. The feedback I've heard has ranged from "My childhood was a nightmare" to "I had the best childhood in the world." Do you know what doesn't factor into these opinions? Standard of living. Nobody says, "My childhood sucked because we were lower class," and nobody says, "My childhood was great because we were rich." Their standard of living and financial status always come up (because I ask), but there's practically zero correlation between money and childhood happiness.

There is one consistent theme, though. How present and engaged their parents were meant everything. Regardless of wealth or standard of living, kids who had present and engaging parents consistently reflect fondly on their childhoods. Translation: They don't care about money.

If what I just said is true, we parents have a choice to make. We can either continue down the road of "providing a good life," recognizing we're actually doing it for ourselves (and not our kids), or we can choose meaning over money and truly invest in our children. This is a tough pill to swallow for many, but one worth considering.

I'll end with the good news! No matter how much (or little) income you make or wealth you possess, you already have the tools to give your children everything they want!

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Legacy: Digital Footprint Edition

I received an unexpected message from Meaning Over Money co-founder Cole Netten. I was expecting another one of his ridiculous voice memo rants about a particular topic that may or may not make good content (but will most certainly be entertaining!), but it was something much different. He asked if we could record more episodes with him in them. Considering he's very much a behind-the-camera sort of cat, his request surprised me. I'm always down to record content with him, but I was curious about this sudden shift.

He referenced a conversation he and I recently had about my constant and intentional endeavor to create a digital legacy for my children. Someday, I'll be dead. Hopefully, not for a long time, but it's coming soon. When that happens, my kids will be left in this world without me. When I think about my life and my own journey, I don't have a lot of memories or touch points to the past. I've seen a few grainy home videos, giving a small glimpse of what life looked like before I could remember, but there's not much. In some ways, multiple generations are just gone.....poof. That's the circle of life and the limitations of technology, and I get it, but what if there was something we could do about it?

Due to the amazing advances in technology, both physically and in the cloud, we live in a new information world order with unlimited possibilities. We often warn kids: Everything you do will be out there forever! Also, the good news: Everything you do will be out there forever! That's the golden opportunity we all possess. Every single time I create something, whether it be an article, podcast, YouTube video, or book, I think about those who will be left after I'm dead and buried.

If I died today, my kids would be left with 111 hours of podcast content and a half-million words of blog content.....and that's just my own content. It doesn't include YouTube, podcast appearances, guest articles, and the books I've helped write. That content is forever, for better or worse....hopefully better!

With this idea in mind, Cole is going to be joining me on the show more often. We'll get a bit more personal in some of our episodes, pulling back the curtain society tries to make us live behind. I hope it helps people, gives them a different perspective, and provides much-desired encouragement, but I also hope it's a window for my children to understand who their dad was and how he saw the world.

I have a difficult challenge for you today. Consider how you can best leave a digital footprint for those who come after you. Maybe it's starting a YouTube channel, podcast, or a blog. Perhaps it's writing a book, publishing music, or creating art. Or maybe it's something I've never even thought of. Only you know you, but you definitely know you. I challenge you to create something that matters. When you're dead and buried beside me, make sure to leave a beautiful gift for those you love.

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To Kill or Not to Kill….Their Dreams

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" It's one of my favorite questions to ask young people. It's an open-ended, sky's-the-limit type of question. During my ten years as a youth group leader, I asked this question to hundreds of kids (6th through 12th grade). I noticed an interesting trend. The younger kids would give me one solid answer, but the older kids (typically 11th or 12th grade) would give me two answers.

For the younger kids, it's simple and confident: "I want to be an astronaut." "I want to be a vet." "I want to be a chef."

For the upperclassmen, it gets muddy. It morphs into something more like this. "I used to want to be an astronaut, but now I want to _______." "I used to want to be a chef, but now I want to ________." If they want to be the second thing they mentioned, why state the first one? Curious, I always ask them this question.

"The first answer is my real answer, but the second is my practical answer." Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Somewhere along the journey, someone killed their dreams. Someone decided this kid needed to think more practical, safer, and more achievable. Maybe it was their parents, or teachers, or friends, or coaches.....but it was probably the parents. Why? Because a child's foundational confidence comes from his/her parents. If the parents believe in the kid, it's unlikely that external forces will knock them down.

Here's the problem. In our effort to protect our kids from failure, struggle, and disappointment, we methodically kill their dreams as they grow up. After all, we want our kids to succeed. And falling flat on their face over and over and over doesn't feel like winning. Therefore, we steer our kids into safe, practical, and reliable career paths. We want our kids to make enough money to live, ideally more than enough. We want them to have security.

I might take some heat for saying this, but I don't care about any of that. I would rather my kids fail miserably in the pursuit of their dreams and callings and struggle to make enough income along the way than sell their dreams for safety, practicality, and security. If living a meaningful life requires them to face risk, adversity, and pain, I'll cheer all day for that.

I have zero aspirations for my kids to be wealthy or attain status. I aspire for my kids to live the most meaningful life possible.....period. I don't know what that means (yet) for them, but I will never kill their dreams. If one wants to be an astronaut, then I need to figure out how best to support that dream and encourage that journey. If the other wants to be a rocker, then I'll figure out how best to support that as well.

In a world where 70% of Americans dislike or hate their jobs, I'll be so proud if my kids end up in the 30% camp....whatever that looks like. Rich or poor, status or none, always living for meaning.

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Trigger. Trigger. What Is the Trigger?

One of my favorite conversations with young people (under 25 years old) is asking them what they want to do when they're adults, and why. I say under 25 because that's typically when people start allowing their dreams to die.

Every single time, there's a trigger. Something that happened. A story. An event. A set of circumstances. THE trigger. For example, one of my former youth group kids experienced the pain, suffering, and victory over childhood cancer. After spending much of her life in and out of hospitals, she grew up to become a pediatric nurse, serving young kids who are going through similar experiences she went through. Beautiful!

One of my high school classmates experienced two triggers in the same day. When we were kids, he witnessed his grandfather pass away on a plane while flying home from Disney World. He would eventually become a pilot AND an undertaker. A morbid but true story.

When it comes to my own kids, I encourage them to put everything on the table. Anything and everything is a possible dream career. I don't discourage. I don't push. I don't manipulate. I simply expose them to as many things as possible, and know something will eventually trigger them.

This week has been especially fun for me as a parent. Being away from their rhythms and routines, they have a front-row seat to see all sorts of new opportunities. I always wonder what will trigger them. Will it be the musicians they've listened to? Or the singers, dancers, skaters, and divers they watched? Will it be the ship captain or any number of the crew they've interacted with? Will it be the local business owners we encountered on the islands? Will it be something I never even realized? Or, maybe nothing will trigger them.....yet.

The boys want to start a YouTube channel with his brother, performing classic rock songs on their drums and guitar. Cool. I'll help them get it going.

Finn wants to start a mowing business like a local kid who mowed our yard a few times. Amazing. I told him I can help show him when the time is right.

Whatever their eventual triggers are, I will do whatever I can to support, encourage, and cultivate them.....even if it's not something I would have chosen for him. This is a controversial take in our current times, but I won't specifically push my kids to pursue something for the sake of money or status. Instead, I'll encourage meaning 100% of the time. That may or may not include money and status, but pursuing meaning will certainly produce meaning.

My two little men have maybe 70-80 years left on this planet. I want them to spend it pursuing meaning, finding fulfillment, and impacting others. If they make a bunch of money, great. If they earn a ton of status, fine. But I will always encourage them to seek the meaning first, no matter what.

It all starts with a trigger. A trigger I may be part of, but one I may not know about for a long time.

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Adopting the Box

Each year, our family participates in a multi-week church program for families. The goal of the event is to connect families of young children together, share meals together, and serve together. We eat, play games, hear a brief message, and do a service project together with other families. It's become one of my family's favorite events of the year.

A few weeks ago, the night's service project was to go to the grocery store, purchase various food items, and drop them off in a pre-assigned blessing box. If you're not familiar with a blessing box, it's a little stand-alone cabinet that houses non-perishable food items for whoever needs them, no questions asked. If someone needs food, they just need to find a local blessing box and grab whatever they want. These boxes are placed all around the residential areas of town.

Here’s an example of what blessing boxes look like

The boys were excited to shop for the box, which led to an adventure at the grocery store. Each had particular items (personal favorites) they wanted to bless people with, and were excited to deliver the goods to the box they were assigned. When they showed up at the given address, they realized they were coincidentally walking distance from our house. They couldn't believe it, and were beyond excited to be serving people in our own neighborhood.

A few days later, while talking about the experience, Finn asked a peculiar question. "Can that be our box?" "What do you mean, Finn?" asked his confused Mom. "Can we keep filling it and make sure there's always good food in there?"

Oh dang! My little man wants to adopt that box and take ownership of it. Amazing. Yes, yes, yes, we can absolutely do that. It's fun to see the wheels turning. This is why it's so important for us parents to model various forms of generosity, big and small. More is caught than taught, and when we walk out giving with our own hands and feet, the kids feel it.

Here's where this all comes together. As I mentioned in a recent post, the boys have been working hard to earn some money ahead of an upcoming vacation (evidenced by their snow shoveling in -5-degree weather). One of the practices that's a standard in our home is for the boys to give away at least 25% of everything they make. As they were excitedly counting their money the other night, they asked if they could use their giving to buy more food for their box. Again, yes, little man, you can.

Parents, we are raising the literal future leaders of this world. Let's keep going. Keep modeling generosity for them. Even when it doesn't seem like they are listening, they are. Keep fighting the good fight. Let's endeavor to raise leaders who ooze generosity and selflessness. Let's raise leaders who think of others first, and themselves second. I know Sarah and I aren't there yet, but we'll keep fighting the good fight.

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The Microeconomics of Childhood

The response to my recent When the Legs Go Numb post has been overwhelming. I haven't responded to all my e-mails yet, but trust me, I see you! I appreciate that the post struck a nerve and added to many people's parenting journeys. A handful of people had an interesting observation, though. They loved my ideas about paying kids for performance on voluntary projects, but it doesn't work for their kids. Why? Because their kids don't seem to be interested in earning money.

Now, I'm pretty sure their kids are humans......highly likely! If so, their kids DO have wants, and if that's true, they ARE interested in money (or at least what money can provide). It's not a want problem; it's a microeconomics problem. It's simple supply and demand. We'll call it the microeconomics of childhood.

Let's say you're practicing the very principles I talk about. Don't pay your kids an allowance. Offer them projects to complete in exchange for performance-based compensation. They work, get rewarded, and use said reward to spend/save/give. Cause and effect. Input and output. All is good with the world.

Back to the issue. Many people's kids aren't motivated by money. They don't seem to care. They would rather not work than earn compensation through work. Here's the next question I ask them: Do you regularly buy things for your kids that they want? "Well, yeah, of course!" "Usually." "If we're having a good month, yeah."

This is the microeconomics issue. When we regularly purchase wants for our kids, the supply of money in their lives is high. They may not physically possess the money, but they have access to the money they need to get the things they want. Therefore, the demand for work is low.

I think it's important we parents flip that around. We need to lower the supply of money in our children's lives, thereby increasing the demand for money (i.e. the desire to work). Here's what it looks like in my house:

"Dad, I want a ______."

"That's awesome, bud! Do you have money to buy it?"

"No, I only have $5."

"That's too bad. But if you want to make some money, we have lots of projects you can do."

Pax worked so hard to buy this RC car!

This has happened countless times, occasionally accompanied by tears. If my kids want something badly, I don't want to demean or disrespect that want. Rather, I harness it to encourage the healthy behaviors that result in them earning the money to buy said want. The supply of money is low, creating a higher demand for work.

We're taking a family vacation soon, and my kids know it's their responsibility to have money for souvenirs. As such, They've been working their butts off. It's not because they are the most perfect kids. Had we told them we would buy them whatever they wanted on the trip, their desire to work would be zapped.

So, next time you get frustrated that your kids aren't responding to work the way you had hoped, inspect the microeconomics of childhood in your house. The answer probably lies somewhere in that department.

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When the Legs Go Numb

We had our first big snowstorm of the season in the Midwest this week. So much so that it caused school to get canceled one day and delayed the next. The boys were excited, but for more reasons than one. In addition to skipping school, they were excited to shovel the driveway and sidewalks. Not only was it snowy, but it was cold; negative five degrees cold. Despite that, the boys spent nearly an hour outside before their delayed school day started, shoveling away. It was fun to see a couple second graders out there putting in the grind. At one point, Finn came in, claiming his legs were going numb. I encouraged him to come inside to warm up for a bit, and then continue his good work.

They were proud of themselves, and I was proud of them, too. They were also excited to make some money. They didn’t know how much it would be, but they knew it would probably be good. 

I don’t believe in allowances. From a behavioral science perspective, allowances teach kids they are entitled to something. That’s not how the world works, though. Earning money requires work. Hard work. Sometimes undesirable work. 

Here’s how it works in our house, and how I teach it to hundreds of parents. My kids have responsibilities in the house because they are members of the family. Put their laundry away, throw their clothes in the hamper, take their dishes to the sink, change the trash. Normal stuff. They don’t get paid for these tasks, but they are expected to step up and do so without complaining.  

Then, there are always opportunities to take on projects for pay. Mow the yard, shovel the snow, rake the leaves, clean the garage, etc. Each project is accompanied by compensation, but they don’t know how much until they are done. 

This next part is important. They NEVER get paid by the hour. They get paid for performance. If they crush a task, they get paid as such. If they mail it in, their pay reflects that as well. I don’t care how long it takes. I care about effort and excellence. 

They each made $20 for shoveling. I could have paid them less….far less. But I’m not paying for second graders to shovel. I’m paying to have the sidewalk shoveled, period. We shouldn’t train our kids to expect crappy pay because they are young. We should train our kids that excellence is rewarded and a lack thereof is not. 

It’s not perfect. They still gripe at times. Their laziness pokes its head out once in a while. But it’s a journey. I have another 10 years to train them up before the world will test them and push them. My job is to prepare them, not coddle them. I’m proud of those two little men. One day, one project, one failure, one win at a time. 

Keep fighting, parents! Whether you have 13 years or 13 months left before they leave the nest, there's still amazing work to be done....and you're the perfect person to show them the way.

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You’re Still An Author

Do you aspire to write a book one day? If so, that's awesome; I hope you do it. If not, that's totally cool. Regardless of how you answered that question, you're still an author, though.

Each day, when you wake up, you're the author of your journey. Every decision you make, every encounter you have, every challenge you face, and every win you celebrate each represent an excerpt in the story you're writing.

It's not a coincidence I'm writing about this topic today, on Christmas Eve. These types of days, the more notable events in our calendar, offer a particularly juicy opportunity for our authorship. These are the moments when we have ripe opportunities to author beautiful memories for us and our children. Every day is an opportunity to create memories, but not all days are created equal. Today might be one of those special opportunity days for your family. I know it is for mine.

Later, we'll attend Christmas Eve service at our church, which we've attended yearly for the last 14 years. Then, after unsuccessfully trying to take a family photo at our church's homemade photo booth, we'll share a meal together at a local Chinese restaurant. Again, this is a tradition spanning more than a decade. Our kids look forward to it each year, and it often involves reminiscing about memories of past Christmas Eve Chinese dining experiences. It's woven into the fabric of our family's holiday celebration.

We'll end the night with a reading from Sarah's 40-year-old edition of The Night Before Christmas, a book she's possessed since she was a baby. Sarah's the narrator, and she reads it exactly how her late father read it to her when she was a little girl. It's one of the highlights of her year.

I'll be the first to admit I whiff on things. I miss opportunities. I regret the times I don't take advantage of the moment. However, I can't (and you can't) let the misses inhibit our ability to seize the next moment. It doesn't matter how many times I miss; I'm still going to shoot my shot the next time the ball is in my hands. Despite a lot of heavy stuff this holiday season, we've also managed to author a ton of ridiculously cool memories.

You're an author, whether you like it or not. But through the lens of how I just explained it, I hope you not only like it, but absolutely love it! This is your time to shine. Yes, you'll screw up. Sure, you'll whiff on moments. But don't let that deter you from crushing the next one. So, get that pen out. It's time to write that next chapter in your (and your children's) story.

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone!

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The Unlikeliest of Inspiration

Since yesterday was the last school day before Christmas break, the boys stayed up later than usual. When it was finally time to go to bed, everyone was exhausted. Bedtime was a bit more expedited. Instead of each of us praying like most nights, I asked Finn to give one extra good prayer for all of us. He knocked it out of the park! Something he said caught my attention, though. He prayed for the people who were "poor and don't have homes" and asked God to give them blankets to stay warm in the cold.

After the tuck-ins finished and Sarah left the room, I asked him about that. He said he's been thinking about homeless people and is scared they won't be safe. I asked him if he’s interested in going to Target, filling up our car with blankets, and taking them to some friends who could deliver them to some of the homeless people in our community. He beamed with excitement. I guess I know what we'll be doing on our first day of Christmas break.

Then, he added something else. "Do you know the Mickey Christmas Carol movie? That's what made me interested in helping people who are poor and don't have homes. They talked about it on there, and I was really interested. Giving stuff to people for free and helping them." First, listening to this little boy try to say the word "interested" is pretty cute. Second, wow! How awesome is that!?!?

I talk to the boys about generosity all the time, but for whatever reason, Finn's recent viewing of Mickey's Christmas Carol connected some new dots for him. He gained some awareness. He ached for hurting people. He was inspired to act. Sometimes, inspiration comes from the most unlikely of sources.

I'm really excited for Finn to explore generosity in this way, and I'm extremely proud of him for taking this step. Who knows where it will lead, but it will hopefully be the next step in his journey of generosity.

Keep connecting dots. Connect your own dots. Help your kids connect theirs. Inspire others to connect theirs. You never know when a trigger moment may occur. Sometimes, inspiration comes from the most unlikely of sources.

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All Roads Lead Back to Childhood

I received more responses from yesterday's post than anything I've published this year. It was a smorgasbord of feedback, ranging from astonishment, to jealousy, to anger, to laughter. Needless to say, you had opinions!

One theme was clear through your feedback, and the same goes for most things in our lives: All roads lead back to childhood. What we perceive as normal, and the rituals we practice, can largely be attributed to our growing-up experience. If you grew up in a house that glorified a materialistic Christmas experience, there's a higher likelihood you'll replicate that for your own children. If you grew up in a house that shied away from extravagant gifts, you probably exhibit similar traits as you raise your own children.

We don't usually like admitting how big of a role our childhood played in who we are today, but it's a massive factor. That's one of the reasons why the first 30 minutes of the first coaching meeting I have with a couple involves a conversation about their childhoods. The answers to those questions tell me 80% of what I need to know about how someone's wired as an adult. Our childhood experience has created healthy traits and habits as we've become adults, but it's also produced toxic traits and habits that continue to haunt us decades later.

I have bad news and good news. I'll start with the bad news. You can't undo or redo your childhood. Each one of those experiences, both good and bad, is seared in and unavoidable. They live within us and play a role in who we are today. These experiences impact the way we perceive, understand, and manage the world around us.....including our money. This includes every toxic habit, perspective, and behavior you have about money. It is what it is, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Now, the good news. Well, two pieces of good news, actually. We don't have to let our faulty wiring drive us into the ground. Just because we've developed a predisposition to certain habits, perspectives, or behaviors from our childhood, it doesn't mean we have to act it out. One remedy for this risk is self-awareness. When I meet with a client, I will point out how x experience 20 years ago is probably linked to y behavior today. If that individual connects those dots and recognizes said reality, it's the first step to managing it better. When we are aware of what we do and why we do it, we gain better control.

Here's the second piece of good news. While you can't go back and get a redo of your childhood, you CAN give that to your children. Remember, what your kids experience in their childhoods, for better or worse, will have lasting implications on the way they perceive the world. Therefore, fellow parents, it's incumbent upon us to be intentional in our parenting to cultivate healthy habits, perspectives, and behaviors in our children. It's not too late for them!

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Playing With Four

The boys won both of their games yesterday. It was a weird day, as they had back-to-back games with only five players. Yes, every player played every minute of both games. They were gassed by the end, but I could tell they were pleased. Well, all but one kid.....

During the second game, one of my sons got frustrated and talked back to me. He refused to run the play I wanted to run, and started yelling at me. The ref was standing next to me, so I leaned over and said, "Ref, we're gonna play with four." I instructed my son to come join me on the bench, where he could watch his four teammates take on the five opponents. He sat out for two minutes until there was a timeout on the floor. He promised me he would straighten up.

He did.....for a bit. We were up by three points with 17 seconds left in the game. He got frustrated at a five-second violation on an inbound pass, and freaked out on me again. Again, "Come sit next to me. You're done for the day." The game was on the line, and I unfortunately needed to finish with four.

On the bench, he was beside himself. He complained that we needed five players and we might lose now. I told him I'd rather lose with four than play someone who disrespects his teammates, his coach, and the game.

Sure, I wanted to win that game. But more important than that is the long game. The long game is what really matters in life—doing the right thing for the right reasons....even when it hurts.

Rarely does playing the long game feel good. It doesn't feel good to be disciplined, practice delayed gratification, or be diligent. It's always more fun to be impulsive, without care, thinking only about the moment at hand.

It's immediately satiating to be selfish and materialistic. But what about the long game?

It feels great to spend money now instead of saving. But what about the long game?

It's far more fun to indulge your wants than meeting someone else's needs. But what about the long game?

It sucked to hold my son out of his basketball game and force him to watch his teammates play short-handed, but I need to think about the long game. He needs to learn. He needs to understand that actions have consequences. He needs to grow as a player and as a future man. This is delayed gratification at its finest.

Sometimes you need to play with four. Maybe that needs to be your motto in this season of life. Play the long game.

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You’ll Never Be Ready

I recently saw a stunning yet not surprising statistic. The U.S. birth rate is at a 75-year low. We're having half as many babies as we did in 1950 (12 per 1,000 people now vs. 24 per 1,000 people then). Even crazier, the birth rate has decreased every year since 1988. Wild!

There are many reasons why this trend has been so pronounced and consistent, including higher divorce rates, more career-focused dual-income families, and people waiting longer to get married. However, there's one reason I, for obvious reasons, see over and over and over. People regularly wait to have kids "until they are financially ready."

Some of you will laugh at my next statement, but it warrants being said. You will never be ready. Nothing in this world will prepare you, financially or otherwise, to have kids. Yes, kids are expensive. That notion gets a lot of air time. However, there's another fact that doesn't get near enough play. Kids only cost what you spend on them. Rich people have been having kids for centuries. Poor people have been having kids for centuries. We only have what we have.

Would it be nice to have more? Yeah, sure. But reflect on your childhood. Were you uber-focused on how rich or poor your parents were? In my hundreds of conversations about this topic, most people only fully understand their family's economic status once they are grown. To them, as a child, life was just "normal." I just chatted with a man who grew up in poverty. He noted that it wasn't until he was 19 that he realized they were "poor poor," as he put it. But he had nothing but wonderful things to say about his parents and childhood. He grew up in a loving lower-class family. The alternative to his amazing life would be if his parents threw their arms in the air and simply said "well, we can't afford it," erasing him from history. His parents were never going to be financially ready, yet here we are. They have a beautiful family…..and it's not because they did or didn't have money.

There are a lot of things NOT to do due to a lack of resources. Marriage and kids are not on that list. If you want to get married, get married. If you want to have kids, have kids. There's far more to life than money, and none more meaningful than relationships and family. 

Many of you already have kids. This message might not land on you at the right time in life. However, there are most certainly people in your life who need to hear this. Encourage them. Walk with them. Show them meaning over money. They will thank you someday.

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Ouch and Joy

We had the most amazing time at the Twenty One Pilots concert last night. My kids were hyped, and they had huge smiles on their faces from start to finish. It was one of those memories that I pray will be seared into the four of our brains. At the same time, I struggled with agonizing back pain. I could feel it building for a few days, but yesterday morning I was struck with shooting pains down my legs. Even while writing this, it is radiating through my body.

Last week’s trip to Mongolia was a life-changing endeavor. It’s something I’ll never forget, and spent time with people I see far too little. At the same time, I was sick nearly the entire week while there. I’d wake up feeling lousy and go to bed feeling like I had been hit by a train.

No matter how good things get in life, it won’t be pristine. It won’t be perfect. There will always be things that run the risk of tainting it.

So we have a choice. Allow these negatives to ruin it, or celebrate the beauty despite the flaws. While I’m in enough pain that it’s difficult to even type this, I’m choosing to see the beauty. If I waited until things were perfect to appreciate and savor them, I’ll be waiting until eternity.

Whatever wins you’re experiencing today, don’t let the negatives rob you of the joy. Maybe you need to hear that today; I know I do.

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The Memory Paradox

We spent most of yesterday hanging out at the amusement park in the middle of Mall of America. Endless rides, lots of laughs, and countless memories. It cost us $55 per person for unlimited all-day passes. Tonight, we'll create even more memories at the Twenty One Pilots concert. I don't remember what we paid for those tickets, but they were definitely many multiples of the amusement park. Two separate events, each requiring a meaningful financial investment, which will create lasting memories.

There's a paradox with memories, though. Memories don't actually cost anything. Spending money isn't a prerequisite for creating memories. Now, if you want to create memories at an amusement park or concert, then yes, it will cost something. But spending money isn't what makes a memory.

For the last two nights, we've spent hours in the simple hotel pool where we stayed. Nothing fancy. Nothing over the top. Completely free. We've had a blast and I suspect those memories could be as valuable to the kids as any others we create on this trip. Memories are memories, regardless of the cost.

I kinda lied above. I said memories don't cost anything, but that's not true. Memories do have one cost: our time and attention. We MUST be present....both physically and emotionally. We need to show up, and actually be there.

This is the actual paradox. Many people have fallen into the trap of more. They believe the secret to their children's happiness and well-being is to provide them with more money, more stuff, and better vacations. Therefore, in the pursuit of more, we parents often put ourselves in positions where we're not present, physically or emotionally. We're too busy trying to provide more, entirely missing the point.

I've struggled with this at times. I'm excited to say I'm much, much better than I used to be. However, I probably still have a long way to go. This weekend is a great rep for me, though. It's an opportunity to fully invest in my kids and help them create lasting memories that they will hopefully treasure for decades to come. This goes for the free pool just as much as the expensive concert. All memories matter!

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Closing the Loop

Finn and I were able to close the loop on his gift to the children's hospital yesterday. If you don't know what I'm referring to, I highly recommend reading it here! It was a beautiful time together. We packaged his letter, money, and paperwork, drove to the post office (where he personally dropped his gift in the mail), and we celebrated with ice cream. He was beaming, and I was so proud of him.

Closing the loop was such an important step. I could have made a gift on Finn's behalf and told him, "Good job," but him seeing it through to the natural end was critical for his growth. Here's what the entire loop looked like:

• He worked hard and earned money (actual cash he could see and feel)

• He spent some of that money on fun things (which he personally purchased with the cash)

• He saved some of that money for a bigger purchase (a pocketknife....and yes, he cut himself the first day).

• He set some of that money aside for giving (which he used for the gift to the children's hospital).

Each step, he was personally involved. He could touch and feel every part of the process. The pain and accomplishment of the work. The satisfaction of receiving compensation. The fun of spending. The discipline and sacrifice of saving. The selflessness and love of giving.

This is where so many of us whiff. Whether it's ourselves or in our parenting, we don't close loops with finances. We take shortcuts, stop short of fully completing goals, or inadvertently rob ourselves (and our kids) of the tangibility. When we do this, we lose something important. We lose the meaning, fulfillment, and humanity of the journey.

I wanted Finn to see, feel, and experience every step of this little journey. Once that loop was closed, it triggered so many questions:

• "Do you think my gift will make a difference?"

• "Can I give to the hospital again?"

• "Can I give to other people, too?"

• "Do you think God is happy with my decision?"

• "If I work more, will I have more money to do things with?"

• "Is it okay to save and give more of my money next time I get paid?"

• "When can I get a job?"

His little mind is working overtime. This is the beauty of closing loops. Make a goal. Work toward the goal. Accomplish the goal. Celebrate the win. Start afresh. Life can be a series of awesome loops if we allow it.

I'm sure Finn will screw up many, many times. He'll do selfish things. He'll make mistakes. He'll hurt people. But yesterday, he took a step in a positive direction. He grew, and I probably did as well.

Create new loops, enjoy the journey, close them, and repeat.

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Heartbreak. Joy. Impact.

What makes you angry? What breaks your heart? What makes you sad? What puts a knot in your stomach? What gets you fired up?

These are some of the questions I ask people when they are interested in giving, but don't know where to start. One of my biggest principles in cultivating generosity is making gifts we can emotionally connect to. This is an overlooked aspect of people's giving, which I believe can change everything. Once we connect our giving with our emotions and passions, it unlocks a gear we never knew we had.

I'm writing about this today because something transpired under my roof this weekend. On Saturday afternoon, Finn decided he was going to get the mail. Then, something caught his eye. "Dad, you got something from the children's hospital. It must be a bill." I explained it's probably not a bill, but rather the hospital asking for help. That sparked his interest, so without further ado, he tore open the envelope. He spent the next hour reading, inspecting, and re-reading the documents. He was fixated on this letter. It talked about caring for kids and making sure their families are taken care of.

Fast forward a few hours later, and we were on the couch watching the annual CyHawk football game featuring our Iowa State Cyclones vs. the Iowa Hawkeyes. As much as I don't like the Hawkeyes (sorry, Hawk friends!), they have one of the most beautiful traditions in all of sports. After the conclusion of the first quarter, every person in the stadium - fans, players on both sides, refs, coaches, stadium employees - stop everything, turn their attention to the next-door children's hospital towering above, and wave at all the kids and families in the windows. It's a special moment each and every time. I turn into a puddle just writing about it, and I suspect you'll be the same if you watch this ESPN story.

As the wave began, both my kids were curious about what was happening. Finn especially took an interest in this. The cameras zoomed in on the kids at the windows, wildly waving at the stadium crowd with huge smiles on their faces. Some kids were bald from their treatment regimen, while others were in beds. Finn looked at the kids on the TV, then down to the pictures of kids in the hospital letter he had been reading.

Something clicked inside him. He looked sad, almost introspective. Then, without a word, he walked out of the living room toward his bedroom. He returned a few seconds later with a baggie of cash. "Dad, can I send my giving money to the kids' hospital?"

"You bet, bud. We absolutely can." We filled out the giving form, he delicately placed his $16 into the provided return envelope, and he wrote them a note explaining his gift. He had so much joy doing this. Later today, I'll drive him to the post office so he can personally drop the envelope in the mailbox.

Heartbreak. Joy. Impact. Finn is starting to get it.

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Encountering the Fork

We have an emergency brewing in our house. In a sudden and unexpected meltdown, Pax confessed that he wants to quit playing the drums. Yes, the same kid who put on this performance just 90 days after picking up drumsticks for the first time.

When I pressed him on the subject, he said he desires to switch to the electric guitar. Not wanting to project my desires on him, I started asking questions to learn more. I still don't have the full story, but in short, his desire to quit the drums stems from frustration from it "being hard."

Uh oh, we have a problem. I'm not concerned about my kids losing interest in a particular activity. After all, as a parent, I can't live my life through them and project my own desires upon their steps. They need to make their own decisions. However, the reason for his desired decision is what concerns me.

This is a test, a turning point, a fork in the road. If he ultimately chooses to walk away from something because it's difficult, that could easily become his mode of operation. If something gets hard, quit. If the next thing gets hard, quit.

Each of us faces these types of tests throughout our journey. We start to gain some success in xyz endeavor, but then BOOM (!!), we hit an obstacle. That's the fork in the road. It's easy to keep moving forward when things are going well. What reveals our true character is how we respond when we hit that fork in the road.

So many of my clients have hit forks in the last few months. Whether they are getting out of debt, trying to hit the next level in their business, trying to lock in their budget, working toward a promotion, or attempting to ramp up their investing/savings game. My job isn't to merely cheer them on, but rather to prepare them for when (not if) the fork comes. The fork always comes. It's inevitable. When those forks hit, their next few steps will be critical.

As I reflect on my journey, I'm so grateful for the times younger me pushed through these obstacles. Who I am and where I'm at is a direct result of those decisions. On the flip side, I have many regrets from times when I didn't push through. Like Pax, I wanted to quit.....and I did. I so badly wish I could get a do-over on some of those decisions.

Only time will tell if Pax will persevere. If he does, it will build a ton of character and be a tell for what might come. If he doesn't, well, that could be a different kind of tell. I'll be praying for him, providing guidance, and encouraging him every step of the way. Please pray for me, too!

It's easy to talk to the talk, but some of us adults need to walk the walk. Our kids are watching. If we quit, why shouldn't they? Let's show them what to do with these forks!

Why Must You Taunt Me, Apple?

As I attempted to write today's post, my phone oddly and repeatedly reminded me of past photos. Hey look, Travis, it's a cute picture of Pax eating ice cream when he was 3! Travis, check out this handsome little 2-year-old Finny riding a boat. It was almost as if Apple and Father Time were teaming up to taunt me.

Early in my parenting journey, someone said something that I didn't quite understand: "The days are long, but the years are short." It made zero sense to me. Fast-forward eight years, and no truer phrase has ever been spoken.

As we're on our annual family vacation in Okoboji, these days with the boys can seem painfully long (especially when they antagonize each other). We're having a blast, but it can just get long at times. On the flip side, how is it already our fifth year on this trip?!?!

They were babies last week. They were toddlers yesterday. Now, we're heading into second grade. As I'm sitting here lamenting how fast time is flying by, I'm simultaneously grateful for creating a life that allows us plenty of family time. My work is crazy, the hours can be long, and it often involves me zig-zagging across the country, but we've intentionally curated this life. Strong-ish boundaries, clear expectations, a partially well-thought-out plan, and a firm understanding of our why.

We've made so many sacrifices in the name of prioritizing our family. We've downsized our house, threw away status, detonated any chance of an early retirement (which makes my heart happy), trashed a boujee lifestyle, and literally turned our backs on millions of dollars.

There are months when I wonder what in the heck we did to ourselves. The months when there's barely enough income to account for our needs and giving. The months that feel extra stressful. The months when I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't taken a weird detour five years ago.

But then, like today, Apple decides I need to get some cute and harsh reminders of how fast time flies by spamming me with old photos. Oh yeah (!!), that's why we do what we do.

The days are long, but the years are short. In due time, I'll be an old man reflecting on my life. There will inevitably be many regrets circling my thoughts. However, I guarantee choosing meaning over money will NOT be one of them. Money, stuff, and status are fleeting. Legacy is forever.

No Paybacks

I had a beautiful idea for today's post. I even gave my friends Chi-Chung and John a sneak peek of the concept as I was bursting with excitement. However, plans changed after WW3 nearly broke out in my house last night.

I'll set the table for you. With our annual family vacation approaching, I reminded the kids that they could do some extra house projects to earn spending money for the trip. Pax was on the fence, so I reminded him that he only had $2 in his wallet. This is when the freak-out happened. He believed he had more money than that, and accused us of taking it from him. It's definitely true......or, more accurately, a half-truth.

On a recent trip to KC, Sarah and the boys visited the Truman Library. Pax wanted to purchase a souvenir, but he didn't have his money with him. Sarah, knowing he had at least that much money in his wallet at home, agreed to buy it for him and we would take the money out of his wallet when they returned home (i.e. pay it back). That's what happened, buyer’s remorse set in, and that's what ultimately led to the meltdown.

This was a big mistake on Sarah's part. We have a no payback rule in our house. If they don't have the money on hand to buy something, they don't buy it—no exceptions. In that particular situation, Sarah knew he had the money, so "what's the harm in just having him pay it back?" It feels like six of one, half a dozen of another. Isn't it the same thing? Far from it!

When we pay for something the moment we purchase it, there's a psychological connection between the money and the item. In that moment, Pax would have held the $5 in one hand and the souvenir in the other, then made a choice. Science shows that this moment triggers the pain center in our brain, causing an instant and noticeable psychological response. No such moment occurs when we purchase things without actually paying for it. Cheating ourselves of this moment drives buyer's remorse and taints the value of money in our psyche.

We eventually resolved the situation, and Sarah, seeing the potential destructiveness of breaking the link between the money and the purchase, made a renewed commitment to never again break this rule. If you don't have the money, you don't buy it. No exceptions.

If you haven't caught on yet, I'm going somewhere else with this. We adults are masters of subverting this principle. It's called a credit card. We buy something with the full intent of paying it back soon, and we totally have the money to pay it back, but it's easier to just swipe that card and deal with it later. Doing so shortcircuits the psychological impact of actually having to pay for something. No pain center triggers. No moment of consideration. And ultimately, probably some buyer's remorse.

Following the no payback rule helps kids develop a stronger and healthier relationship with money. It does for adults, too.

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