Choose Freedom

Today, we Americans celebrate July 4th, our Independence Day. It's always been one of my favorite holidays, as it represents the best of what summer has to offer. As I've gotten older and seen more of the world, the concept of freedom has also grown on my conscience. We often take it for granted, and shame on us for doing so.

But as I think about freedom, I see all the various ways we humans trap ourselves and limit our own freedom. While we live in a free country, many of us have curated a life that's anything but free. We continue to elevate our lifestyle and financial commitments, locking ourselves into a certain income expectation. We make choices to incur mass amounts of debt, which bleeds our income each month. As our financial obligations rise, our margin to spend our values decreases. As our monthly needs grow, our ability to shift careers, pursue meaning, and follow our calling shrinks. One decision, after another, after another. As we increase our standard of living, we're slowly and oftentimes unknowingly reducing our freedom.

I can't even count the number of people I've spoken to who have fantastic incomes, jealousy-inducing lifestyles, and social media-worthy lives, who feel desperately trapped. They look like they have the world at their fingertips, yet they have less freedom than the unassuming middle-class family a few doors down from me. It's an embarrassing, scary, and frustrating place to be. Many of you can relate to this. Either because you used to be there, or because you're there right now.

Some people choose stuff, others choose freedom.

Some people choose status, others choose freedom.

Some people choose the instant gratification of debt, others choose freedom.

Some people choose more, others choose freedom.

Choose freedom. Always choose freedom. And the beautiful part is, every day is a new day to choose.

Standard of Living vs. Quality of Life

One of my friends recently decided to downgrade his living situation. It was a difficult and humbling decision, but the right one for his current stage of life. In our discussion, he lamented how it's going to be hard having a lower standard of living. Reading between the lines, I could tell what he was really saying was that his life would inevitably become worse as a result of this decision. Embedded in his perspective is the belief that a higher standard of living increases happiness and a lower standard of living decreases happiness. While culture generally believes this to be true, I couldn't disagree more.

I think we're talking about two separate topics here: standard of living and quality of life. They are not the same!

Standard of living: "the degree of wealth and material comfort available to a person or community."

Quality of life: "the standard of health, comfort, and happiness experienced by an individual or group."

Sure, a higher standard of living can increase one's quality of life. If it's 90 degrees outside, having AC (vs. not having AC) leads to both a higher standard of living and quality of life. This is a true statement. Let's add a wrinkle. Let's say the introduction of AC requires the individual to take on a large loan with $400 monthly payments. Yes, the AC still cools the air and increases the standard of living, but did it improve the quality of life? This is where the rubber meets the road. There's a cost to every benefit. In this hypothetical, the person needs to give up something to increase their standard of living. Maybe they will give up their dining out, or their ability to buy clothes, or a trip they've been saving for, or they need to trade more of their time for additional income.

This tension point is where my friend is on his journey. The cost of his high standard of living is impairing his quality of life. He's had to make dramatic sacrifices in other areas of his life and endure undue stress just to maintain his higher standard of living, resulting in a lower quality of life.

Conversely, my current life is a reflection of the opposite. Today, I have one of the lowest standards of living in my 20-year adult life, but the highest quality of life in my 20-year journey. Our financial life is simple. We live in a simple house (which we rent), we drive simple cars, and we have simple monthly wants. This structure opens up the doors for us to travel as we please, give generously, say "yes" to weird things, and engage in work that matters. Standard of living and quality of life are correlated, but often inversely, ironically.

As you think about your situation, take an inventory of the various aspects of your life that enhance your standard of living, and ask yourself if they increase your quality of life. You might be surprised by the answers.

Unwinding Your Way to Contentment

The pursuit of more is a slippery slope. It starts innocent enough. We enter the real world and get our first place. We see how nice our friends’ place is, so we also get something nice. Maybe we’ve been driving a beater for a while, so we decide to get an upgrade. After all, we’ve been working hard and we’re finally making grown-up money. Then the new iPhone comes out and we realize ours is already a few years old……better get a new one. One small step, then another, then another. None of these are inherently bad. But without knowing it, we’ve set into motion the ever-alluring and never fulfilling pursuit of more. As I always say, the problem with more is that more is still, well, more.

Fast forward 15 years, we have a significantly higher income than we started out with……and an inflated lifestyle to match. Then, it dawns on us: we’re just as stressed and discontent now as we were back when we had almost nothing. This is the fork in the road. Down one path is the continued pursuit of more. Maybe we just haven’t gotten to the point where we have “enough” to actually be happy. Maybe we’re one promotion, one trip, one house upgrade, or one additional zero in our bank account away. The other path? The other path requires humility. It’s an acknowledgment that perhaps we’ve been seeking comfort and happiness in the wrong things, then deciding to unwind some of our past decisions.

Two clients have recently decided to pursue the latter path. These are families who have achieved much success. Incomes most of us will never have, and lifestyles to match. Truth is, they aren’t happy. Life is moving fast, they are overly busy, their marriages are strained, and they feel quite discontent. So what are they doing about it? They have humbly and painfully decided to take a few drastic steps:

• Sell their house and downsize (one is purchasing a much small house and the other will rent)

• Downgrade their vehicle situation to something a bit more practical.

• Start saying “no” to various activities, trips, and memberships. This is an effort to create margin in their family time.

• Dramatically increase how much they give, taking the focus off them and putting it on others.

• Downshift their careers to stop focusing on an upward trajectory and lean in on creating a healthier balance.

These are no doubt counter-cultural decisions. They’ve already started getting pushback from friends and family, which is how they know they are probably on the right track. Whenever the prevailing culture pushes back against you, it’s probably a sign you’re doing something right.

They haven’t even implemented all these changes and they are already feeling better about their situations. There’s something empowering about knowing you have the power to unwind past decisions. It’s a constant reminder that everything is on the table.

Pile of Cash Test

Several years ago, I was meeting with a coaching client who wanted to buy a new vehicle. When the conversation heated up, it quickly went in the direction of buying a very nice, very new, $35,000 vehicle (this was back when $35,000 was a lot for a new vehicle). They were dead-set on using a car loan to make this happen. When I attempted to convince them to make a cheaper choice and pay with cash instead of locking themselves into another sequence of expense payments, I made the argument that using debt is altering their decision-making process. In short, they wouldn’t be buying this much of a vehicle if they weren’t using debt. They aggressively disagreed with my thesis. In their opinion, they were simply using debt as a tool to make the best mathematical decision. According to them, they would make the exact same decision with cash, but they are outsmarting the system by doing it this way.

This is the moment I issued my always-favorite “pile of cash” test. I challenged them to go to the bank, withdraw the money, and set it on their table. If they could look at all this money and honestly tell themselves they would exchange it for this vehicle if the “smarter” option of financing it wasn’t on the table, then go ahead and use debt for the purchase. So they did! They went into their bank, awkwardly asked for $35,000+ in cash, and walked out several pounds heavier (looking like a suspicious drug deal was about to go down).

What happened next, you ask? When they looked at the cash and thought about it, they realized there was no way they could justify using this much money to buy the vehicle. The entire idea of debt was psychologically impairing their judgment. A few days later, they purchased a used $20,000 vehicle with cash, put $15,000 back in the bank, and felt at peace with their decision. I hear them tell this story often….it was a big turning point in their story.

It’s funny how we play little psychological tricks on ourselves when it comes to money. Many of them are small and silly, but sometimes, like this couple, they can profoundly impact us on our journey.

Home

Well, we’re on our way home from Thailand and Qatar. A few hours ago, we began the long journey back to Iowa. It’s been a whirlwind of a trip. When I get back from these trips, people sometimes ask if I feel refreshed. Spiritually, absolutely! These trips always help me reframe my perspective and focus on what’s most important. But mentally and physically? No, I’m spent….the tanks are empty! In a lot of ways, my day-to-day life will be a slow-down from what we’ve been doing these past 10 days. Though these trips fill my tank to the brim, I’m always glad to be home. I’m excited to be home. I miss home.

Home. We often use the words house and home interchangeably. “I built a new home.” “We bought a vacation home.” I don’t think these words are one and the same. A house is a building. It has four walls, a room, and beds. But a home? It’s so much more. It’s not a neighborhood. It’s not a town. It’s the space you retreat to each night, where you share life with your closest family, surrounded by all the other meaningful people in your life. It’s togetherness, community, safety, and support. They are not the same.

In our culture, we obsess about where we live. Bigger, better, newer….the pursuit for more status and more comfort. When I left my prior career and we downshifted our life, we also made a drastic decision about where we live. We sold our large, new house, and elected to rent a small townhome. After three years in the townhome, we moved in a small, 60-year-old rental house in the older neighborhood of our city. It’s safe to say this is my lowest standard of living in the last 20 years. But it’s our home! This is where my kids feel safe. It’s where we create memories and play. It’s where we meet up at the end of each crazy and chaotic day and be together. I don’t care if it’s in a mansion or a tiny house. No building defines my home. Home is wherever my people are.

I don’t frankly care what building we live in today…..or down the road for that matter. It might look different next year, and then again a few years after that. It might look like an owned house in Iowa, or a rental house in Asia where we spend part of our year, or bouncing from place to place like nomads. But home will always be home. Not because of what’s in it, but because of who’s in it.

Creating Margin for Impact

I talk a lot about the idea of creating margin in our finances. We do this to provide peace, flexibility, and contentment. However, there’s a piece missing from the typical narrative of margin. All these positive consequences of creating margin are about me, me, and me. One of the hidden benefits of creating margin in our own lives is the opportunity to lift others up. When we live with financial margin, we can provide financial assistance to the struggling single mother. When we live with time margin, we can serve in our local church or a local non-profit. When we live with career margin, we allow ourselves the ability to say “yes” to new opportunities to put our talents to use.

Herein lies the problem. We humans don’t do a great job living with margin. Some of the highest earners I know give very little in the form of generosity. It’s not that they are greedy, selfish people. Rather, despite their high incomes, they’ve created a life for themselves with little margin. Some of the most servant-hearted people I know don’t serve. It’s not because they don’t care. Rather, despite their passion to help others, they are simply too busy to make it happen. Some of the most talented people I know don’t use their gifts outside of their primary vocation. It’s not that they don’t want to make a difference. Rather, despite their hyper self-awareness of their gifts, they’ve overcommitted to their jobs and there’s simply no more energy or time in their lives to use the gifts elsewhere.

Put another way, our ability to be generous and impactful is far less tied to our resources and talent than our willingness to create margin in our lives. Margin = service. Margin = impact. Margin = love.

The Problem With More

We have a “more” problem in our culture. In nearly every facet of our lives, it becomes about having, getting, making, and doing more, more, and more. The problem with more is that every time we get more, more is still, well, more.

Once we set ourselves down the path to more, there’s no natural endpoint. It’s an infinite game with no real winners. No matter the job we possess, there’s always one that pays more. No matter the phone we buy, there’s always a shinier, faster one coming out next week. No matter the restaurant we go to, there’s always something trendier. No matter the vacation we take, there’s always something more exotic.

Then, there are cars and houses. People can’t get enough when it comes to their vehicles. Newer, bigger, sleeker vehicles with enough high-tech features to launch a man to the moon. Then, the mother of all more, our houses. When people are looking to buy a house, one popular phrase they throw into the mix is “our forever home.” Every time this is proclaimed, I’m quick to say, “no, it’s not.” Why? Because more is always more. Inevitably, in most cases, these “forever homes” become former homes in just a handful of years, as the goal post of what satisfies shifted upwards mere months after moving into the so-called “forever home.”

This is the problem with more. There’s no way to psychologically combat this very human quirk. However, we do have a choice on the table: step out of the madness and choose not to participate in the pursuit of more. It’s a simple, yet profound idea that can fundamentally transform people’s lives. It changed mine, it’s changed countless families I work with, and it can change yours.

Self-Inflicted Wounds

It’s a practice as predictable as it is sad. We humans are really good at creating self-inflicted wounds in our financial lives. I’ll use an example. Let’s say Joe’s been working really hard at his job for the past few years. Blood, sweat, and tears, hoping to soon get that promotion so he can create some margin in his financial life. Finally, the day arrives! He gets that promotion, which comes hand-in-hand with a nice pay increase. After so much work and waiting, he finally gets to create some financial traction with his newfound margin. However, he also “needs” a new car. A week later, he’s driving a shiny new car with a fat payment to go with it. It’s ok, though….it was a need. And just like that, his newfound margin is gone. If you were to ask Joe, he didn’t have a choice. He “needed” a car, and he likes it a lot, so he successfully solved the problem. What Joe calls a win, I call a self-inflicted wound.

Fast forward 6 months, Joe’s back to feeling the same financial tension he did before the promotion. In an effort to improve his life, he sabotaged his quality of life. While he doesn’t see it that way, his words, demeanor, and stress say differently.

Fast forward a few more years, Joe climbs another rung on the career ladder. After all those blood sweat, and tears, he gets to create some margin in his financial life. Finally, the day arrives…..and it’s as sweet as he thought it would be. He’s proud of his accomplishment, and he deserves a house worthy of his new success. He doesn’t necessarily “need” it, but he can afford it and it will surely make his life better. And just like that, his newfound margin is gone. If you were to ask Joe, this makes his life better. What Joe calls a win, I call a self-inflicted wound.

Fast forward a few months, Joe’s back to feeling the same financial tension he did before the most recent promotion. Again, in an effort to improve his life, he sabotaged his quality of life. The stress builds, the burden feels heavier, and the pressure heightens.

This is the new American way. Every opportunity we have to increase our quality of life and create margin, we find ways to create self-inflicted wounds. Fast forward a few more promotions, Joe will be making several multiples of what he used to make but feel the same level of stress, pressure, and burden. This is why so many people making $300,000, $400,000, or $500,000 feel the same financial tension they did when they were making $40,000. We aren’t trying to hurt ourselves….we’re trying to improve our life. Ironically, however, we sabotage the very thing we’re trying to create.

Too Much of a Good Thing

I get a massage once every six weeks or so. It’s absolutely wonderful!. I decided to prioritize this about 18 months ago, and I’m so glad I did. For me, this is an occasional luxury that adds richness to my life. There’s part of me that wishes I did it every week. But that very idea also brings to mind a concept I think about often. It’s possible to have too much of a good thing. Part of what makes this little luxury so enjoyable is the anticipation and the scarcity. If I did this every week, it would just become a normal ho-hum thing…..like brushing my teeth or taking a shower.

That’s the tightrope we walk with “good things.” It’s possible to have too much of a good thing. Travel and dining out are other fantastic examples. They also happen to be at the top of my list of fun things to do. Part of what makes them special to me is they aren’t every day. There’s a scarcity in it……oh the anticipation! I look forward to them. I enjoy looking at the menus and online reviews of potential restaurants, just as I enjoy researching upcoming trips. Flights, hotels, sights, and of course restaurants. There’s a simple pleasure in the planning and anticipation.

A while back I met with a client who was spending north of $2,000/per month on dining out. On the surface, this sounds wonderful! So many different experiences and flavors. However, they are quick to note, “we don’t even enjoy doing it anymore. It’s just something we do and it feels kind of empty.” Wow! This is the very definition of having too much of a good thing. My suggestion to them was to majorly cut back on dining out, then be very intentional when going on those experiences. Fast forward a few months, it has been transformational for them. They enjoy it so much more than in the past 4-5 years. There’s something special about it and they get excited for the next one.

Yes, lean into those good things. Whatever they are in your life, they are important. But remember, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. Create scarcity and anticipation….you’ll thank yourself later.

Cost vs. Value

I’ve had $5 meals that were a rip-off and $200 meals that were a bargain. It’s easy to look at those two prices and naturally assume it’s the other way around. After all, $5 isn’t much and $200 is far too much. However, we tend to look at just one side of the coin: cost. When assessing purchases in our lives, we need to look at both cost AND value. The cost matters, but the value is equally important. In order to determine if the cost is worth it, whether $5 or $200, we need to understand the value to us.

Here’s the catch. We all have a different measuring stick and a varying set of interests by which we assess value. Some of you may see $200 tied to the price of a single meal and it makes you want to literally or figuratively vomit. I totally understand that. Through your lens, and your value system, there can’t possibly be enough value derived from a $200 meal to justify it in a million years. On the other hand, many of you know exactly what I’m talking about and you can absolutely see how an amazing $200 meal is worth it.

This starts to lean into the idea of cheap vs. frugal. Cheap is an inability to spend money, whereas frugal is the determination to only spend on things that add more value than they cost. So yes, a $200 meal could still be considered a frugal purchase if the perceived value is high enough.

As I always say about budgeting and spending, “the objective isn’t to spend less, but rather to spend better.” Better is better, and my better is different than your better. The sooner we tune out the noise created by everyone around us and start leaning into our own unique values, the sooner we find contentment and satisfaction in our spending.

What’s something you find valuable for the price but most perceive as a rip-off?

The Curse of Comparison

When I was growing up, the only Christmas I experienced was my own. I knew what it looked like in my home, and my friends theirs. Technology changed the game with the invention of social media. Maybe some of you are in the same camp, but I spent some time scrolling through Facebook and Instagram yesterday. Christmas post after Christmas post. And maybe some of you can also relate to having a multitude of feelings when seeing other people’s Christmas celebrations. Feelings such as:

• “They look happier than us”

• “They have more presents than us”

• Their house is a lot nicer than ours”

• “They have way better food than we’re having”

• “Their trip looks way more fun than being in this frigid weather”

If you had any thoughts such as these, you’re not alone. I’m guessing many of us did. After all, it’s human nature. It’s the curse of comparison, and social media amplifies it unlike anything we’ve ever dealt with before. There are a few major problems with comparison:

1) We only compare ourselves to people who have more or better than we have. We rarely stop to compare ourselves to those who are less fortunate than us……which by the way is the vast majority of the world.

2) There’s always someone with more than us to compare ourselves to. Even Jeff Bezos, the 5th richest person in the world, could compare himself to Elon Musk (2nd richest person in the world) and jealously wish he had that additional $50 billion. No matter how well we have it, we’ll find someone to compare ourselves to. Whether it’s family, a job, a house, status, cars, or presents under the tree, we’ll definitely find someone to unfairly compare ourselves to.

3) Comparison robs us of appreciating what we do have. I have so much in life, but after spending 10 minutes on Facebook this afternoon, I felt like a nothing. It can be demoralizing at times, so it’s important to always take time to reflect on and be grateful for what we do have.

4) Social media is people’s highlight reel. It portrays them at their absolute best, the way they want to be seen, in a moment of time. We don’t know what’s happening in the other 99.9% of their lives. Sadly, many are hurting just like you and me. So when we see their social media post, don’t extrapolate them to believe their lives are perfect and pristine. I promise you they aren’t.

No matter what your Christmas looked like, I hope it was your version of amazing filled with special moments, time with loved ones, and memories that will last a lifetime. Merry Christmas!

Looking Down the Mountain

We just recorded our 107th and final Meaning Over Money podcast episode of the year. That’s two episodes per week plus three bonus episodes. After typing that number, even I second-guessed whether that’s true. 107? Wow! That’s more than 30 hours of finished product content. Did that really happen? How did that happen?!?

Truth is, it didn’t feel like a lot as we were living it out. It was episode by episode, day by day, one foot in front of the other. It’s like climbing a mountain. While we’re in the midst of the climb, it doesn’t feel like we’re making a lot of progress. We climb, climb, and climb, and the peak doesn’t seem to get much closer. It’s only when we turn around and look down, we realize how far we’ve come. We know we’ve been climbing for a while, but it’s breathtaking to see just how high we are when we take a moment to look back.

I think this is a perfect metaphor for so many areas of life. Through all the hustle and bustle, comings and goings, we often fail to look down the mountain to see just how far we’ve come. In our finances, fitness, relationships, careers, skills, experience, faith, and so many more. Instead, we spend our time beating ourselves up, wishing we were better, and comparing ourselves to someone else. Instead of being proud and content with what we accomplished, we fixate on everything we wish we had done. Instead of celebrating the wins, we dwell on the losses. Or maybe that’s just me…..

If 21-year-old me could hop in a time machine to see what 41-year-old me would accomplish over those 20 years, I think he’d be pleased. It’s been an awfully steep mountain. I wish I would look down more often.

The Problem With More

“The problem with more is every time we get more, more is still more.”

- Travis Shelton

Yes, I just quoted myself (#partyfoul). I say this all the time. If you’ve spent any length of time with me, this has undoubtedly come out of my mouth at some point. We have a “more” problem in our culture. Nicer cars, bigger houses, newer tech, grander trips. More, more, and more.

None of these things are inherently bad, but more doesn’t satiate. This is the curse. Every time we get more, we receive a glorious and instant dopamine hit…..only to feel a void once the high subsides. And the only way to get that feeling again? More. And the cycle continues.

The pursuit of more feels like we’re a hamster running on a wheel. There are only two natural outcomes: 1) we jump off the wheel and stop the madness, or 2) we eventually run ourselves into the ground. Unfortunately, most people are choosing the latter.

What is Enough?

A couple just told me $525,000 isn’t enough money to make ends meet in their town. They were dead serious. It took every ounce of me to keep my composure in that moment. As a point of reference, the median household income of their city is around $85,000. In other words, they make 6x the median income……and are whining about it not being enough to make ends meet. To further exemplify the absurdity of their statement, they are in the top 1% of ALL Americans. Yet, it’s “not enough.”

I asked them a very simple question, “what’s enough?”

They couldn’t answer the question, but they both agreed it’s more than the $525,000 they are currently making.

I have a client who has a combined household income of around $80,000. On the heels of this crazy $525,000-is-not-enough conversation, I reached out to this other couple and asked the same question. Their response: “it would be nice to make a bit more, but we have all we need.”

If you live with a posture of want, there’s no such thing as enough. You’re setting yourself up to lose battle after battle after battle. If you live with a posture of contentment, you’ve already won the war.

It's All Going to the Landfill

Nearly every possession you currently own will end up in a landfill before too long. It’s sad, but true. Even crazier is that some of our more expensive items (technology and clothing) will likely end up there in a matter of years.

I’m not demeaning possessions. Rather, when we stop and think about this idea, it has the power to shape our decisions and behaviors. It doesn’t stop me from buying things, but it does force me to consider the opportunity cost. Namely, the opportunity to spend on things that won’t end up in a landfill. In the words of my dear friend Gary Hoag, “invest in mission and memories.” That’s why generosity, travel, and experiences are my family’s biggest categories. While the computer I’m typing this on will soon end up in the landfill, these other things will live forever.

The Power of Scarcity

I’m a World Cup fanatic. I don’t watch a lot of soccer year-round, but at the same time, I’m on record believing the World Cup is the greatest sporting event in the world. Country vs. country, so little margin for error, and billions of people watching. The stakes are so high. However, there’s one other ingredient that helps create World Cup magic. Scarcity. It only happens once every four years and only 32 countries qualify. In other words, it’s a huge deal!

Scarcity plays a huge role in all our lives. Think about the things you get most excited about. Common answers may include births, weddings, graduations, and big vacations. A common thread between all of these is scarcity. They are inherently special because they are scarce. Even the anticipation of these events can be as fun and fulfilling as the experience itself.

Sarah and I will be traveling to Asia in early 2023, which will be the first time traveling abroad in nearly three years. The anticipation of this trip will be higher than ever. Not just because it’s a trip abroad, but because of how scarce they have become. I used to travel abroad 5-8 times per year, every year. Those trips were always fun, but they lacked scarcity. Now, however, I have a huge anticipation for what’s to come.

Too much of a good thing isn’t necessarily a good thing. This is a trap we’ve fallen into when it comes to our finances. Many of us indulge, indulge, indulge, then indulge some more. Then when I’m meeting with a client in a coaching setting, I can tell the lack of scarcity has ruined it for them. They successfully turned something special into something normal. It’s sad when it happens, but it’s an easy trap to fall into. When we remove scarcity, we can rob ourselves of what makes it special.

Fortunately, if we have an awareness and intentionality about our decisions, we control what stays scarce and what becomes normalized. Embrace scarcity!

Thankful For What We DO Have

The act of being thankful focuses our eyes on what we do have, not what we don’t have. When we’re thankful, we think of the friends and family we do have, not the ones we don’t have. When we’re thankful, we think of the job and opportunities we do have, not the ones we don’t have. When we’re thankful, we think of the house, vehicle, and possessions we do have, not the ones we don’t have. When we’re thankful, we think of the gifts, skills, and passions we do have, not the ones we don’t have.

It’s so easy to set our minds on all the things we don’t have, which causes us to lose perspective of what we do have. Whenever we walk with a posture of gratitude, we can think less about what we don’t have, and more about what we do have. Doing so breeds humility and contentment.

I’m grateful for what I have…..every bit of it. But it’s those selfish days or moments when I think about what I don’t have that can sour me. Today, I choose gratitude. Tomorrow, I hope to choose gratitude as well. Each day we have a choice. Let’s choose gratitude every day. Happy Thanksgiving, all!!

If Only We Were Rich

Do you ever look around and notice people in your life who are rich? Man, if only we were rich like them! The things we could buy….the things we could do. Life would be so much better if we were rich. It must be nice to be rich like them…..

…..but then I take a step back and remember two things:

1) Having a $40,000/year income puts us in the top 1% income earners in the world.

2) Having just $5,000 to our name puts us in the top half of the richest people in the world.

Wait, we are rich! We’re just so busy comparing ourselves to even richer people that we’ve lost perspective along the way. Comparison can rot us from the inside-out. Let’s be grateful for what we have, not jealous of what we don’t have.

This post was written for me. Travis, remember this.

The Silent Dream Killer

Cole and I recently recorded the debt section of our upcoming video course, Meaning Over Money. This was some pretty fire content and I can’t wait for the course members to experience it when we launch next month. In it, I refer to debt as the silent dream killer. Debt doesn't quietly sneak into our house when we’re sleeping at night. Rather, we invite it in, roll out the red carpet, welcome it with open arms, and tell it to stay as long as it wants.

Debt is the financial version of instant gratification. I want that car NOW…..so of course I’ll agree to pay $400/month for the next five years. I want that vacation NOW……so I’ll just put it on the credit card and worry about it later. I want that bigger house NOW……sure my mortgage payment will go up, but I can afford it. I want to upgrade my furniture and appliances NOW…….and the store has a really sweet 0% interest offer. Every act of financial instant gratification has one inevitable outcome: tomorrow’s me will have to pay the price for something yesterday’s me enjoyed. This sounds fine until we realize tomorrow will someday be today, and today will turn into yesterday. There will come a time after we get back from that trip, after the new-car smell wears off, after our house fever subsides, when we’ll still have to pay for the decision we made in the past. Over time, decision by decision, it starts to erode our freedom. The tension and pressure slowly builds. Not all at once, but more like the analogy of boiling a frog. Little by little, our dreams start to die. But we don’t make these decisions knowing it’s going to crush our dreams and our freedom. That’s not how it works…….which is why I call it the silent dream killer. It’s sneaky.

As I was writing the content for our Meaning Over Money course, I was reminded of a story I hadn’t thought about in a while. In early 2019, on the heels of making my decision to step away from my career and into my new pursuit, a few people started to take notice. A woman in my life, who was watching some of the decisions I was making and was aware of my expertise in coaching, approached me and asked if we could talk. She confided in me that her husband makes $300,000/year at his job, and she makes another $100,000. They were in their early 40s and have had a stellar income for many, many years. I wasn’t sure where this conversation was headed, but then it turned on a dime and her face started to change. She shared how her dream in life was to stay at home with her kids, but her husband’s $300,000 income alone wasn’t enough to support their family. Think about that! They couldn’t afford to drop from being in the top 1% of income earners in America……all the way down to the top 2% of income earners. They couldn’t pay the bills only making $300,000!!! That’s the negative power of debt, in action! She didn’t hate her job, but she so desperately wanted to live out her purpose of being a stay-at-home mom. She started sobbing. She felt trapped, hopeless, and helpless. On the surface, they were living the dream. Beautiful home, luxury cars, Instagram-worth vacations……they had it all! But every day she woke up sad, unfulfilled, and increasingly resentful. She would have given up all of the stuff and status in a heartbeat, but her husband and the culture around them saw it different.

When I think about her story, I get sad. I remember the look on her face, the desperation in her eyes. I started thinking more about her in the days following our recent recording session. So I reached out to her. I wanted to know how she’s doing. I went into that conversation with a lot of hope and optimism, but it was quickly squashed. One year has gone by since she vented to me about her situation. Since then, it’s only gotten worse. She’s grown to hate her job……and her anger and resentment towards her husband has magnified. On most days, she cries on the drive between daycare drop-off and the office. She says it feels like her dream is slipping away one day at a time. Her and her husband are in counseling, but she said it feels hopeless and divorce appears to be a possible (if not likely) outcome. In her words, her husband cares more about what others think of him (and the title below his name on his business card) than he does about her. He justifies it by saying he’s only trying to provide his family the best life possible, but all the while his marriage is dying and his wife’s spirit is draining.

This story feels heavy to me. It impacts me deeply. I wish I could say it’s an extreme story, or a rare story…..but unfortunately it’s not. I hear different versions of this story every single day. The details are different, the incomes are different, the dreams are different, and the decisions looks different. But one thing is consistent from story, to story, to story: the debt….the silent dream killer.

Here’s the important takeaway. If this particular family wants something better, something different, something awesome, they can have it! The decision is 100% theirs. And they can make that decision today! All they need to do is make one very difficult, very counter-cultural, very impact decision. It’s not easy, but it is simple. You and I also get to make that very same decision! Every one of us has a choice to make, and it’s 100% on us to make that choice. We aren’t victims of our income, or our education, or our circumstances, or the way we were raised, or anything else. Those things may make our journey a little harder or a little easier, but they cannot stop us from walking towards the light.

Some of us need to downsize our house (or apartment). Some of us need to downgrade our car. Some of us need to sell some toys. Some of us need to stop caring what others think. Some of us need to take a few less vacations. Some of us need to stop confusing our identity with our job title. Some of us need to take a step back and realize “providing for my family” does not mean providing them with all the stuff we never had growing up.

So, who’s with me? Who’s ready to make the hard choice? Who’s ready to kick the silent dream killer out of the house and replace it with a life full of meaning and impact?

The Road to Nowhere

One of the side effects of being so open about my debt and career journey (recent podcast episode) is the amount of feedback I receive. So much of the feedback is positive, but not all. Some people, perhaps out of jealousy, or self-talk, or their own debt/career frustrations, offer a lot of criticism and skepticism to my story. These little nuggets of negativity (er, constructive feedback), often start with “but". Here are a few common ones regarding our $236,000 debt journey:

• “but I don’t have a high income like you did.”

• “but we aren’t able to sell one of our cars like you did.”

• “but we can’t leave our house and live in a tiny apartment like you did.”

• "but you didn’t have kids.”

• “but you had two incomes.”

• “but the cost of living is higher where we live.”

• “but we can’t just stop spending….we need to enjoy life.”

These statements may or may not be factually true (fact check below), but one thing is certain: The road to nowhere is paved with lots of “buts”. You can have progress, or excuses, but you can’t have both! At some point, if we want to win, we have to set the excuses aside and get about the business of finding a way. There’s always a way! We also need to stop comparing someone else’s situation to our own. When I share my story, it’s just that…..my story. It’s not the absolute blueprint for success, but rather the blueprint that best suited our specific situation and our life.

“The road to nowhere is paved with lots of “buts”. You can have progress, or excuses, but you can’t have both!”

Instead of making excuses why we can’t make this decision or that decision, we need to start asking ourselves what decisions we can make. If you think you can or cannot win, you’re right. So how about we start to believe we can……and make it happen! We need to find deep and meaningful sacrifices that work for our situation. We need to decide there’s no amount of pain we won’t endure for the sake of a better tomorrow. Now having been on both sides of the debt spectrum, I feel even more convicted in my previous statement. Knowing what I know now, I would have intensified the pain even more in order to get to the other side of the debt.

It was a long and grueling 4.5 years to pay off our $236,000 of debt, but doing so changed us. It showed contentment like we had never known before. It taught us money couldn’t buy happiness…..because we had no money and we were pretty dang happy. It showed us anything is possible if we do it together and care enough to make it happen. It showed us what true freedom looked like, which emboldened us to draw a line in the sand and say “never again” to debt. Lastly, it taught us to dream…..and dream big. And not only dream big, but to be crazy enough to believe these dreams are possible.

Look at all that stupid debt!

Here’s the reality of the “but” statements above:

• Our income wasn’t all that high during our debt payoff season, as I was still young in my career and the country was still working its way out of the recession.

• Selling one car really sucked, but it was a defining moment where we made a choice that no sacrifice was too big to fix this mess. I never want to do the single car thing again, but I’m so glad we did it then!

• The only thing stopping you or me from moving from a house to an apartment is pride. Any other excuse is a lie. I went from a new, 4-bedroom house in KC to a 600 square foot, 1-bedroom apartment (80s vintage everything) in Des Moines. Very humbling!

• We didn’t have kids at the time, fair point. But we do have two toddlers today and it that didn’t keep me from leaving my career and taking a 90% pay cut. No excuses here!

• We did have two incomes, but one of them was a limited-benefits, near-minimum-wage childcare job. We weren’t exactly rolling in the dough with that second income. But Sarah worked hard in that job and it meant a lot to us! Fast forward to my drastic career shift in 2019, I was the sole breadwinner of the house since Sarah stays at home with the kids…….but we weren’t going to let that be an excuse.

• The cost of living in Des Moines is lower than some cities and higher than some cities, but it’s not the reason we win or lose. There are people winning financially in expensive cities and losing financially in cheap cities.

• Spending can be fun, but it can’t make us happy. You can choose to keep spending, or you can choose a better life. Or maybe you can choose a better life, which could include more spending down the road. Think of it as one year, or two years, or however many years……for the rest of your life! We spent 4.5 years sacrificing, which is followed by 60 years of freedom. I’ll have the six decades of awesome, please!

The road to nowhere may be paved with “buts”, but the road to freedom is paved with sacrifice and a deep desire for better. So maybe it means selling a vehicle. Maybe it means downsizing your home. Maybe it means giving up travel for a season. Maybe it means picking up some extra income. Whatever it looks like in your life, just do it! It’s just one season, and I promise you every subsequent season of life will be better for it!

More than anything, here’s what I want you to take away from this piece. You can do it!!!! There is nothing that can stop you if you want it bad enough. Don’t let anyone or anything hold you back! You got this! For each of us, there comes a fork in the road where we must decide what’s more important: Our stuff or our dreams? Comfort or happiness? Pride or freedom? I made my choice! What about you?

“For each of us, there comes a fork in the road where we must decide what’s more important: Our stuff or our dreams? Comfort or happiness? Pride or freedom?”