The Painful (Yet Beautiful) Cost of Parenting

Today is a big day! Not only is it one of the biggest college football games of our season (Iowa at Iowa State), but it’s Northern Vessel’s official launch party for our new canned cold brew partnership with We Will Collective (Iowa State’s NIL collective). We’ll be setting up a tent alongside We Will, where our entire Northern Vessel team will be there to celebrate the launch, eat good food, and have a fun time together. Many friends, former Iowa State athletes, and other big names will also be stopping by the tailgate to say hello and grab some cold brew (35,000 cans fresh off the line!). Word on the street is President Trump and several other 2024 presidential candidates will also be floating around the premises.

It will be an absolutely fantastic event…..and I’ll miss most of it. Bummed doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now. This is the type of thing we’ve envisioned since relaunching Northern Vessel in November 2022. This is the next step of TJ’s dream, and being able to support him is one of the greatest privileges of my life. Yet, I’m going to miss the majority of it.

Why? Finn and Pax have a parks and recreation soccer game this morning. They really want to play, and just as important, they want their dad there to cheer them on. I remember back when I dreamed of one day becoming a father. I made a promise to myself that I would make every one of my kids’ games, concerts, or other events if I had the power to do so. I also think back to my own childhood and remember fondly that my parents rarely missed a game. They didn’t have to be there, but they somehow sacrificed to always be present. If my memory serves me correctly, my mom only missed two basketball games in my entire 5th-12th career (in one, I scored 47 points, and in the other, I was carted out of the gym on a stretcher with temporary paralysis). I always loved having my parents there and want my kids to have the same thing (not the life-flash-before-their-eyes injury part, though…..that’s a story for a different day).

Can we parents all agree that this isn’t easy? In the chaos of life, it’s hard enough to keep my head on straight with the everyday things in my life…..never mind all the extracurricular activities. And the crazy part is, we’re not even into the thick of it yet. We have a few first graders just now getting into sports and other activities.

I’m very torn today. I’m mourning the loss of missing this important event. However, the decision was pretty simple. Many years ago, I made that commitment to myself to be present when I eventually became a father. This is where we find out if I was just talking the talk, or if I’ll walk the walk.

Oh yeah, Go Cyclones!

C.S. Lewis Makes a Good Point

One of my favorite C.S. Lewis stories revolves around a night he and his friend were walking down the street. Along the path, they see a homeless man. Lewis immediately reached into his pockets, pulled out all the cash he had on him, and handed it to the man. As they walked away, his friend said, "You shouldn't have done that. He's just going to squander it on tobacco and alcohol." Mr. Lewis looks at his friend and replies, "Well, that's what I was going to do with it."

I think this story illustrates the imperfection of humanity and our ability to show grace through it. While it's true that we are called to be good stewards of our resources, some things are bigger than money. In this case, dignity. Lewis recognized the humanity in this homeless man and chose to show him dignity. It's a sharp but beautiful story that has helped shape my heart around generosity.

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Yesterday afternoon, the boys and I were riding bikes after school when we approached a homeless man getting some reprieve from the sun. My gut instinct was to ignore him, but I knew he deserved far more dignity than that. Eventually, the boys and I approached him. I asked if he could use some cash, then gave him everything I had in my pocket (+/- $17). He was beyond grateful for this unsolicited gift, which led to a fun conversation. The man shared a few pieces of his story, we chatted about his day, he asked the kids about their favorite bible verses, and he asked if there was a thrift shop nearby where he could pick up a few supplies. Before leaving, I asked if he needed anything. He said it would be amazing if I could help him find a phone charger. I told him I could absolutely make that happen, and I would be back later to drop it off.

When we got home, Pax headed straight for the pantry. Sarah, seeing him out of the corner of her eye, said, "Pax, no food right now. I'm making dinner." Pax, quick to defend himself, responded, "This isn't for me, Mom. I'm making Ben a snack bag. I don't want him to be hungry tonight." He gets a grocery sack from under the sink, then fills it with beef sticks, peanuts, granola bars, almonds, animal crackers (can't forget the animal crackers!), and apples. "Dad, do you have the charger ready? We should go take this to him right now."

Wow. This is from a first-grader. While most of us adults are busy assessing the merit, use, and deservingness of a potential gift, this little boy is busy showing love, compassion, and action. I'm always proud of my kids, but this moment was a bit more special. C.S. Lewis makes a good point, but Pax already knew it in his heart. Generosity always wins.

"I Want to Be a ____"

About once a month, one of my kids will update his proclamation of what he wants to be when he grows up. Recent examples include a firefighter, basketball player, mowin' man, podcaster, and "in Twenty One Pilots."

Sometimes their ideas are practical, and sometimes they are absurd. However, I have one guiding rule as I try to parent these little men: don't kill their dreams. So often, I see parents criticizing, downplaying, demeaning, and even mocking their children's dreams. I've witnessed many of my youth group students have an amazing aspiration, only for it to be zapped away by their well-intentioned parents.

Sure, sometimes these dreams and ideas may be far-fetched. But it's not our job as parents to squeeze the life out of their dreams. Rather, it's our job to support, encourage, teach, and walk alongside them. They will eventually find their right path.....if we don't emotionally and mentally beat it out of them.

I get how this happens. We want our kids to succeed. We want them to be in a position where they can take care of themselves. We don't want to see them suffer. In the process, though, we're doing more harm than good. In an attempt to protect them from failing, we're preventing them from winning. We're trying to ensure they have money, while simultaneously robbing them of meaning. We're trying to steer them onto the "normal" path, when maybe their path needs to be anything but normal. I know many young men who were forced into college by their loving parents, only to hate it, get depressed, then drop out. They beat themselves up and feel as though they are just giant losers. Then, they will usually find the path that truly suits them. Once they do, their creativity, work ethic, and drive comes alive. It's like a light switch.

Who knows, maybe I'll read this post years down the road and consider my past self wrong......but I doubt it. I suspect my kids will do their fair share of failing as the years roll by. It will hurt them, but it will also hurt me to watch. However, that's where the beauty lies. From failure comes pain. From pain comes growth. From growth comes impact. From impact comes meaning.

I'll be there to walk alongside them, encourage them, and support them when they need me. I hope they never let go of their crazy dreams. I hope their dreams grow with them. I hope their dreams are so big that others will laugh and shake their head. Whatever those dreams are, I hope they are uniquely their dreams.....not mine. I hope they stay true to themselves and aggressively pursue whatever path that entails.

Parents of adults, what are your thoughts? Any wisdom to share? Would love to hear about your wins and losses in this department.

Yet Another New Season

In just a few hours, my boys will begin first grade. With it will come a plethora of varying emotions. On the one hand, I'll be proud of them and who they are becoming. On the other hand, I'll mourn the fact they are growing up so fast. It seems like just yesterday, they were learning to walk and talk. Today, they read everything they see and constantly add random numbers. It seems like just yesterday, they decided it would be fun to fingerpaint with their poop. Today, they strategically drop farts on me and each other. Ok, some things never change!

For as much as I want time to slow down, I'm trying to enjoy it for what it is: a series of really cool seasons. If I look at life as one linear story, I feel lost in it. However, if I view it as a number of seasons, it changes the dynamic for me. If our midwestern winters stayed in perpetuity, it would drive me mad. But the fact it's merely a season makes it something I celebrate and, dare I say, embrace it.

Life is much the same way. When we can view it in terms of seasons, we can celebrate and embrace each moment more intentionally. Though our summer was extraordinarily busy, I strongly feel like we embraced the season. Lots of memories, tons of adventures, and plenty of bonding. That's the thing about time. We're never going to slow it down, so we ought to savor it the best we can. I used to foolishly think I could bend time if I was intentional enough, but alas, I was wrong. Instead, I'll concede time will always go too fast, but we'll embrace every moment as it comes. I don't always get it right, but perhaps I can get a little better each time I try.

So today, I celebrate and mourn.....but mostly celebrate. I'll always cherish the seasons we've had in the past, but it's time to embrace the one upon us.

Playing the Long, Long....Long Game

As my kids are heading into first grade next week, they are in this sweet spot where they are just getting into reading. They are fascinated with it, but aren't yet fully proficient. Out of sheer curiosity, they try to read just about everything. TV tickers, nutrition labels, shirts in public (this one is dangerous), highway signs.....everything.

The other day, out of the blue, Finn looked over at me and said, "Dad, when I'm bigger, I'm going to read your blog." It was a brief but touching moment for me. The idea he likes to read makes me happy, but the idea he wants to read my writing is profoundly special.

Over the last several years, I've published hundreds of thousands of words, nearly a hundred hours of audio, and countless videos. I create this content for those I wish to serve (including you!). I genuinely want to help people, add value to their lives, and play a positive role in their journeys. However, there's a secondary motive behind what I do. Someday, when I'm buried in the ground, my work will still be here for people to use and enjoy.

I often think about how fast our world is moving. I'm still pretty young, but I grew up in an entirely different technological era. I have a limited amount of grainy home video footage and a few hundred pictures. That's it. When those who came before me pass, I'll still have my memories, but nothing concrete. Several years ago, my paternal grandfather wrote a self-published book about his life. Now that he's gone, that book has become much more special in my life. It's something I can read and re-read for decades to come.

But my kids will have an entirely different future regarding content and memories. Someday, they may stumble upon a blog post, YouTube video, or podcast episode where I talked about them. It's like a digital time capsule that the weather can't destroy. These are memories, stories, wisdom, and tributes, cemented in time.

Someday, when Finn is "bigger," I hope he types my name into whatever search engine runs the world at that time. When he does, oh the treasures he will find! Each written word, snippet of audio, and video clip will be there to meet him where he's at. No matter how much good comes from my work, or if it happens to change the world, there will be no greater joy than to have my kids someday receive what I've left behind. I'm playing the long, long, long game.

If this post made you think about your own life (and those who come after you), let it serve as an inspiration and motivation to create. What you create is up to you, but just create. Put something into the world that you'll be proud of for people to discover and enjoy for decades to come. By the way, if you don't think you have something worth sharing, you're wrong. It matters!

Pulling Apart vs. Bringing Together

I love business travel. Since my first opportunity to travel for work (Denver in August 2005), I've loved it. In the front half of my career, the travel was primarily domestic (NYC leads the way with 24 trips, followed by South Florida with nine, and Los Angeles with eight). In the last eight years, it's been more international (mainly Middle East and SE Asia).

There's so much to love about travel, business or otherwise. Seeing new sights, experiencing different cultures, meeting unique people, staying in interesting hotels, and learning something new about yourself. I always love the trips.

Along the way, I learned a few particular people don't always love the trips: two little boys. They don't ask much of me.....just 100% of my attention 100% of the time. No big deal....haha!!

Business travel always felt like a positive for me.....until one particular trip. It was September 2018. I was throwing the final few items in my bag before heading to the airport. I was flying to the Middle East and would be gone for nine days. Though Sarah was supportive of this trip, I could see the stress and nervousness in her eyes. Not because I was heading to the Middle East, but rather the stress of caring for twin two-year-olds for more than a week without me being around. To top off the moment, this particular day was Finn and Pax's second birthday....ouch!

I've been mindful and intentional about my trips since that experience. I still enjoy them as much as ever, but it's always hard to leave the family. After some of these experiences, I realized a shift needed to happen. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, two consecutive events transformed my relationship with business travel: I left my prior career, and COVID shut down our world.

As my new career started to grow and the world opened back up, I finally had my opportunity to put my money where my mouth was. If business travel had historically pulled our family apart, was there a way to use the same business travel to bring it together? It was an interesting experiment, but I was up for the challenge.

We tested this idea by bringing the entire family to Los Angeles earlier in the summer. Not only were we able to create some amazing memories (Disney, beach, food, more beach), but they were also present for some of my work. Sarah attended one of my talks and also watched me deliver a sermon at a church.

This week, we're trying it again. I'm spending the next eight days with a client in Midland, TX. Instead of being absent from my family for the home stretch leading up to school starting, we're using this opportunity for one last family summer adventure.

I don't know how this experiment will play out in the long run, but I'm excited to find out. I hope it provides meaningful work, tons of new memories, and brings us all together in powerful new ways.

Truth Bombs From Finn

Do you have a favorite meme? Is that even a thing? Can we have favorite memes like we have favorite albums or favorite movies? I'm making an executive decision by ruling that, yes, we can have a favorite meme. Ok, now that I've solidified that, I have a favorite meme.

It's a picture of Yoda that reads, "Once I became a parent, I understood the scene where Yoda gets so tired of answering Luke's questions that he just dies." So funny! I laugh at this every time I see it......I'm laughing as we speak.

Last night, I took the boys to watch one of my Christian rapper friends put on a local show. We had an absolute blast and the kids' eyes were opened to an entirely new art form. As we were leaving the event, I heard a very common phrase, "Hey Dad?" It was only the 3,342nd time I heard that phrase on that day.

"What's up, Finn?"

"You know all the times we spend together and the rides we take?

"Yeah, bud!"

"I have all those memories in my head and can dream about them any time I want. I could even think about them right now if I wanted."

I was floored! When I approached a stop sign, I whipped my phone out and hastily wrote down his quote. Wow! If you consume my content, you probably know I think/talk a lot about investing in memories. It's a constant theme in my value system and my coaching.

But out of the blue, my 6-year-old son drops a bomb on me, essentially summarizing in two sentences what I spend so much of my career trying to encourage in others. Memories are forever. Memories are powerful. They won't end up in a landfill. They revolve around special people. They don't necessarily cost anything. They latch onto us and influence who we become and what we do.

Memories merely require that we be present. I was exhausted last night. A part of me just wanted to stay home and lay low. That would have been easier. But I really wanted to support my friend, who I knew was excited for his show (he crushed it, by the way). I also knew my kids would love. Therefore, I chose to be present.

That's the weird part about memories. Sometimes, we plan, plan, and plan, hoping to create the most amazing experience. Then, something much smaller surprises us by being the memory that perseveres through time. To this day, the one memory my kids have about a particular week-long spring break trip is swimming with me in the hotel pool.

So all we can do is be present, be intentional, and let the chips fall how they may. When we do, we'll inevitably create powerful memories worth far more than anything money can buy. Or in the beautiful words of Finn, they will be in your head, and you can dream about them any time you want!!

First, We Fail

Yesterday, before I was about to mow the yard, Finn asked if he could help me. He's been obsessed with "mowin' men" since he could talk, so operating a push mower is right up there with ice cream and swimming pools for that kid. At first, I did the turns and let him single-handedly run with the straightaways. Then, about halfway through, he asked if he could do the turns by himself. I assisted him on the first few, but after a while, he got into a rhythm and did them himself.

The yard looks like absolute garbage. The lines are terrible, we missed spots, and he damaged a plant while trying to make one of his turns. But it was a huge win and I'm proud of him. In that moment, I had two options. First, I could have said no to him and insisted I run the show (in an effort to have a better finished product). Second, I could let him learn. I'm always a believer in the second option. While I'd prefer a yard that doesn't look like trash, today's lesson was so valuable.

Regardless of who we are or what we're trying to learn, first, we fail. Failure is the prerequisite to doing it poorly. Doing it poorly is the prerequisite to doing it average. Doing it average is the prerequisite to doing it good. Doing it good is the prerequisite to doing it great. But first, we fail.

The key word is "first." If we don't allow for a first, for the possibility of failure, how do we expect to become great? It reminds me of something I refer to as the experience paradox. Perhaps there's a technical name for it, but this is what I call it in my head. A college student applies for an entry-level job. They don't get hired because they don't have any experience. But they can't get experience until they get an entry-level job. But they can't get the entry-level job because they don't have the experience. See the paradox?

I'm really proud of Finn. The last time we mowed, he simply couldn't do it. Total fail! Today, he did a poor job. Good for him! His innocence and naivety allow him the freedom to simply be bad at something.....then become less bad. When this happens, it enables him to get better through repetition and failure.

This is a beautiful trait in young kids. It's also a beautiful trait in grown adults, though it's far less common. It's not comfortable to do things we know we'll do poorly. Applying for that job. Starting that business. Creating that content. Launching that product. Asking that person out. Asking for that promotion. When we don't have experience, we may fail. But remember, it's all part of becoming great. Becoming less bad is the onramp to the road of excellence.

I hope you do something poorly today!

"Daddy is Helping People"

I didn't become a parent until I was 35 years old. One of the benefits of not becoming a parent until later in life is it allowed me to watch everyone around me parent. As I watched, I noticed one trend that disturbed me. Kids would freak out when their parents went to work. To an extent, I understood this. Kids want to be with their parents.....period. However, I noticed something else. Whenever the topic came up, it was communicated in some variation of the following: "I have to go to work." 

Two things stand out about this phrase. First, "have to" designates it's not a choice. The parent must do it, even if they don't want to. Work = bad. Second, the word "work" doesn't have much context. Small children may not fully understand this word, and later it will be merely understood by the child as a "job," or something you do for money. 

I decided to change the narrative when I became a father. From the time Finn and Pax were babies, we never used the phrase "go to work." Instead, it was always "go help people." When the kids eventually began to verbally converse, Sarah didn't say, "Daddy has to go work." It was, "Daddy is helping people." It may sound like I'm splitting hairs, but the difference is staggering.....especially for kids. 

My kids don't always like when I leave to "go help people," but they understand it at a deeper level. They know I do it because a) I want to help people, b) helping people is a good thing, and c) helping people results in money that we can use to pay the bills, give, and do fun things. Work = good.

It all came full circle yesterday. The Northern Vessel farmer's market crew was down a man, so TJ asked if I'd be willing to be the third man (who makes sure the ice, cups, lids, and all other supplies are constantly stocked so the other two can serve people with hospitality and efficiency). I told him I would, but I needed to have the kids with me since Sarah was traveling. What an excellent opportunity to put the kids to the test! I was a bit nervous going in, but they absolutely blew me away! They worked hard, stayed focused, accomplished the mission, and had fun doing it. They worked their little butts off.....and it was a lot! At some point in the morning, Finn looked over to me and said, "Daddy, I love helping people. I'm having so much fun. I wish we could do it longer." 

So many good things have come out of this mission to redefine "work" with our kids:

• A desire to serve people

• An appreciation and respect for the importance of work

• A desire to take on challenging work

• The enjoyment of work

It was a wonderful day, and I’m so glad I was able to experience that with them.

Fatherhood and the Need to "Provide"

When I left my previous career, I did so with twin 3-year-olds and a wife who stayed home with them. Translation: we had a lot of mouths to feed, and I was the sole income for the family. A few days after announcing my resignation, a colleague pulled me aside. He was a few years older than me, also a husband and father. I thought he would congratulate me or perhaps wish me well in my future endeavors. Instead, he laid into me. He went on and on about how I needed to provide for my family. I was well aware of my responsibilities, as I had been thinking about it for months.

"Travis, you need to provide for your family!!!"

"Yeah, I know. That's exactly what I'm planning to do." 

"But you said you are going to take a huge pay cut."

"I am.....so what?"

"Your family deserves better, and you're taking that away from them."

Ah, now I get it. By better, he means more. By more, he means money. By money, he means comfort. By comfort, he means a higher standard of living. As a husband and a father, I deeply desire to "provide" for my family, but perhaps we need to define the word "provide." When it comes to husbands and fathers, we often get pigeonholed as someone whose role is to provide financially. Give our kids what we didn't have, or better than we had, or the opportunities they deserve, or [insert another ridiculous notion here]. 

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in providing financially. It's a big responsibility and one I don't take lightly. However, that's just part of the role. In addition to providing financially, husbands and fathers also need to provide physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and with our presence. If we're dumping boatloads of money onto our family but fail in these other areas, we've lost. Society says we've won, but we've lost. It reminds me of two stories:

I once had a youth group kid whose dad was an uber-successful businessman. Financially, they had everything they could ever want. The houses, cars, clothes, technology, and trips. They had a life many envied. But one day, she told me, "I don't really know my dad. He lives in my house, but I rarely see him. Some days I just wish we were a normal family and I could have a dad." Ouch. So sad.

When my kids were babies, while having dinner with Sarah, I was patting myself on the back for better navigating my life/work schedule so I could be home more. After all, we had two babies! I was expecting her to affirm what I had just said, but she threw me a curveball instead. "You're here, but you aren't here." Ouch. So sad.

Getting the money stuff right is important, but not when it sabotages the other areas. Yes, let's financially take care of our families. But don't let the pursuit of more, in the name of "providing," get in the way of being a true provider. Happy Father's Day to all you dads and grandpas out there. Go, provide for your families......in all the ways!

Through Children's Eyes

Yesterday was a series of firsts for Finn and Pax. Their first flight, their first In-N-Out burger, and their first time in the ocean. For the cherry on top, we shot off a bunch of fireworks with our friends to end the night (not a first, but who doesn’t love blowing stuff up!?!?). It was a fun day, indeed, but what makes it special for me is watching it through their eyes. The looks of shock, awe, excitement, and amazement…..all of them are gold! It can be magical.

I sometimes get jealous of how excited kids get. The simplest thing for a kid might as well be the Powerball jackpot. We adults, on the other hand, oftentimes struggle to get excited about even the coolest of things. I suppose that’s what happens after you’ve lived long enough and nothing feels truly new.

I think this is one of the contributing factors to why many adults try to spend their way to happiness. Upping the ante, shooting higher, going bigger. Sometimes we make drastic decisions in hopes of sparking something. Maybe it’s that something we used to feel way back when in childhood.

But what if we could find a way to regain some of that childlike excitement? I’ve been experimenting with this idea for a while now…..especially as it pertains to travel. The 1,000th flight and 400th hotel start to feel a bit blah, but there are so many ways to light that fire of wonder. For me, it’s seeking out a new city, or maybe a new neighborhood in a city you’ve already spent a lot of time in. That’s what Sarah and I did during a recent trip to Doha, Qatar. We intentionally explored a different part of the city, forcing ourselves to get uncomfortable. It felt like a whole new adventure. Or maybe we’ll try to find under-the-radar sites to visit, or unique food, or connect with different people.

To be honest, there’s one more idea that’s been better than any of the others. Finding ways to loop other people into the journey with us. I may not be able to experience something for the first time again, but I can help others gain that experience in their own lives (and share it with them). This is truly one of my favorite things in the world. It’s an act of generosity. Some people want these new experiences but don’t know how to access them. Each of us has access to something unique in life, just waiting to be shared with others. Maybe it’s a place, or an event, or a relationship, or a skill. When we share it, in a way, we get to watch it through their eyes. That’s a true gift…..for the giver.

If Not, What's the Point?

One of my clients was recently considering making a somewhat major purchase……in the +/- $25,000 range. This is no small sum of money, and they fully recognize that. The particular item they were considering isn’t greatly important to this conversation, and I want you to use your imagination so you can put yourself in your shoes with whatever type of item might be in your life.

On one hand, they recognize the value this item would bring to their life. Time spent with their kids, intentional time away from the house, and creating new memories. On the other hand, it’s $25,000 they would be disconnecting from their broader plan, and it would most certainly “hurt” them financially. The math says this is a bad decision, as math usually does. However, buying this item isn’t reckless and won’t materially impair them.

After discussing, here' was my opinion. Of course they should buy it!!! If not, what’s the point of all this? To me, this is the easiest yes of all time. They’ve been trying (successfully) to steward their resources well, live responsibly, explore generosity, and create memories with their kids. Mission and memories! This family is modeling what it looks like to view and handle money in a healthy way…..I hope it’s contagious with others in their circle.

Ultimately, they didn’t need me to tell them to do it. I think they knew deep down this was the right thing to do, and they are doing it! This is one of the things I love about this couple. It’s never about money…..because money is never about money. Meaning over money, always.

Do you have something like this in your life and have actually pulled the trigger? Or maybe you know what it is, but have hesitated to follow through? Would love to hear your stories! Please hit reply or drop a comment below. Have an awesome day!

Work That Matters: SAHM Edition

“So you just stay at home?” I was standing about 8 feet from Sarah when she was asked this question at a social gathering, but I could tell from the minute I looked at her eyes, that one hurt. We had recently become parents to twin boys. Considering her dream in life was to one day stay at home with her babies, she was in the midst of living her absolute dream. But in that moment, her confidence was wavering and the self-talk was starting to creep in. It wasn’t the first time she had received an innocent-sounding comment with an insult attached to it, but this one hurt just as much as the others.

Stay-at-home Moms receive a lot of this type of feedback. “Do you work or do you stay at home?” “Is your husband the only one who provides?” “When will you start working again?” People don’t typically mean to be insulting or demeaning when asking these questions. Far from it. However, baked into most is a perception of laziness, lack of accomplishment, and selling themselves short.

I knew this long before I became a parent, but it was affirmed time and time again after watching Sarah be a stay-at-home Mom for the first six years of our children’s lives. It’s really freaking hard! It’s an exhausting, never-ending, thankless job, with terrible hours, and the most unreasonable bosses on planet Earth. Frankly, I’m not sure how she did it. I can say with utmost certainty that I would never in a million years be able to stay at home with kids. It’s not for lack of want, but rather because I simply couldn’t handle it. No matter how hard my work was - and it was brutal at times - it paled in comparison to what Sarah dealt with at home. For that, I’m grateful.

Moms, you’re doing amazing work. You’re doing some of the hardest and most important work on the planet. You’re literally shaping the next generation, day in and day out. There’s no compensation tied to it, there’s no status that comes with it, and the hours can be brutal. In other words, this isn’t a job you can do well unless you find deep meaning and purpose in it. Considering this blog is called The Daily Meaning, this is my way of giving you a 3-minute standing ovation.

It may not always feel like you’re being recognized or seen, but your work and your love matter. My encouragement to you is this. The fruit of your labor isn’t obvious today, tomorrow, next month, or even next year. It won’t be seen for many years to come when your kids have spread their wings and are carving out their own paths in life. When they do, and as they do, that’s when you’ll truly see how all your difficult and amazing work has paid off.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms and grandmas out there! You’re doing amazing work and I’m grateful for you.

Creating Traditions

As I write this, I have one little boy snuggled up to my left side, fast asleep. On my right side, the other little boy, equally exhausted. I’m laying in a tent, using my thumbs to peck away this post. I can hear birds settling in for the night, and thunder in the distance. I’m exactly where I am every year on this night. The boys and I are on our annual pre-Mother’s Day camping trip. We rode horses, shot BB guns, played dodgeball, swam for far too long, and ate s’mores. It’s a tradition.

There’s something about traditions that stick with us. We nostalgically remember the past, savor the present, and eagerly anticipate the future. Sometimes we find ourselves yearning for traditions of the past. Traditions that can’t be recreated or maybe shouldn’t be recreated. We mourn the loss of them while trying to hold onto the fond memories created from them. We often fail to realize every day is an opportunity to create new traditions.

This is something I took from therapy years ago. The power of creating new traditions. My wife, Sarah, sometimes takes it to the extreme. We could go to the grocery store on a random Tuesday afternoon, just one time, and she very well may declare going grocery shopping on Tuesday afternoons a new tradition. When I started taking the boys on this camping trip three years ago, I didn’t know it would become a tradition. But then they starting making references to the trip, asking when we could go back, and planning all the things they want to do next time. And just like that, we have a tradition. It’s a special tradition to me. It adds a richness to my life because I get to create lifelong memories with them. Though Sarah isn’t part of this trip, she looks forward to it as well. The original intent of the trip was to give momma a little rest ahead of Mother’s Day. She may have been counting down the days until we left for this trip, secretly planning all the rest and fun she’ll have in our absence. Let’s just say she ushered us out the door quite hastily this afternoon…..she was ready! It’s the tradition.

There’s something powerful about knowing we are one simple decision away from creating a new tradition in our life. I find myself seeking them out and finding creative ways to start something. In the world of meaning vs. money, it proves once again that meaning always prevails.

What are some of your favorite traditions?

Memories Are Memories

In a world obsessed with more, more, and more, we can often lose sight of what really matters. In the last week, I’ve had several conversations with parents about how they are spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on their kids. Sometimes they classify these expenditures as wants, and other times as needs. But as a general rule of thumb, if it doesn’t involve a doctor, there are very few purchases in the $1,000+ range that classify as true kid needs.

I’m not necessarily disparaging these purchase decisions. People can do whatever they want and certainly have the right to do so. However, in the midst of all the spending, we sometimes lose perspective. We can get so consumed by the idea of more spending = more fun, more memories, and more happiness. Yes, there are some memories and experiences that more money can buy. No doubt about that! My friends Cole and Kate invested in an amazing trip to New Zealand several years ago. Those memories and experiences were unique and breathtaking……and expensive. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, I celebrated it while I lived vicariously through them.

At the same time, memories are memories. Memories don’t keep score with dollars. A positive memory that costs $10 has the same value as a positive memory that costs $10,000. Last weekend, Sarah was out of town and I had a “man weekend” with the boys. We had so much fun. One of the days was packed with all sorts of adventures and activities. As I was tucking the kids to bed that night, out of nowhere Finn exclaimed, “Daddy, today was the best day ever!” Wow, that one got me and it suddenly felt like someone was cutting onions in their bedroom. Weird how that happens to us guys sometimes. As I thought about the day, I realized all we spent was $6 for a couple of ice cream cones. The truth is, they didn’t care if we had the simplest day or the most financially extravagant day. All they cared about was having me fully present and engaging with them. Kids can humble us like that.

Next time you feel guilty for not being able to “provide” something for your kids, or you feel the pressure to spend money on xyz because everyone else is, remember that memories are memories. They don’t care what you spend. They aren’t keeping score with money. When it’s time to spend on something expensive, great. But if not and until then, please don’t discredit or overlook all the amazing opportunities in front of you to create memories each and every day.

Marty Was Right!

When my kids were babies, I remember asking my colleague, Marty, what his favorite stage of parenting was. At the time, he had two college kids and a young high schooler. Without hesitation, he answered, “every stage was my favorite stage.” What?!?! What a cop-out answer! C’mon, Marty, give me something I can use!! He went on to explain how every single stage of parenting was better than the last. It felt like the inverse of this classic scene from Office Space.

With my kids now six (or “six and a half” as they would clarify), I now understand exactly what Marty was talking about. Every single stage of parenting has been better than the last. This weekend, Sarah was out of town on a girls’ trip. In her absence, we had a heck of a guy’s weekend. We mowed the yard, did some landscaping, explored the Des Moines Farmer’s Market, read books, spent time at Northern Vessel, watched Star Wars, attended church, played video games, and slammed some ice cream. In other words, it was an awesome time!! I treasure the time I get to spend with them. It’s depressing to think we only have 12 more years of them home before they leave the nest to create their own life. Wow, time is scarce!

The more time that passes, the more I realize how Marty knew the secret. In the world of meaning and money, there’s no better reminder of what true meaning looks like than spending intentional time with our kids. Life and work can be crazy, and always runs the risk of hindering the time we have with our kids. I’ve been on both the winning and losing side of this coin over the years, but this weekend affirms and re-affirms how badly I want to get it right. There’s no amount of money that can justify neglecting our greatest legacy and meaning, our children.

The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know. This motto applies to so many different aspects of life. It’s humbling…..quite humbling. I’m just grateful I have people around me who will always shoot me straight, hold me accountable, and push me to be better. Miss you, Marty! If you’re reading this, just know you’ve made much more of an impact on me than you probably realize!

Even Work We Love is Still Work

Can I tell you a secret? Please don’t tell anyone I told you this. I detest giving kids allowances. It’s the quickest way to teach entitlement, laziness, and create a disconnect between money and work. At the same time, I think it’s important that we don’t create a culture where every bit of work is done with an expectation of financial compensation. In our house, this looks like our twin 6-year-old boys having a number of ongoing chores on their plate, each done with nothing in return. They perform these tasks because we all have roles to play in our family. At their current stage in life, it looks like cleaning the table after dinner, placing their clothes in the hamper, making sure their shoes live by the door, emptying the trash cans, and putting their clean clothes in their drawers. On top of that, however, they also have opportunities to earn money through the completion of extra work. These are optional projects that are above and beyond their normal chores. Whenever they complete a task, they usually make $2 ($1 for spending and $1 for giving). We offer them these opportunities, but they are also able to request them if they’d like.

Yesterday, the kids helped me mow the yard. We had a blast doing it together and they were on cloud nine. After we got done, all dirty and sweaty, I handed them each $2. Finn immediately piped up, “Daddy, you don’t need to pay us. We love mowing.” I expressed my excitement that they enjoyed mowing with me, but then added, “Even work we love is still work.”

This, right here, is one of the primary contributing factors to why people have such a toxic relationship with work. We are taught from an early age that work sucks. It’s not fun, we don’t want to do it, and it’s a necessary evil……which is why we get paid to do it. I couldn’t disagree more with this notion. Work is work. All work matters. All work is deserving of fair compensation……even work we love. (To clarify, I’m not referring to serving and volunteering. There’s a time and place for those things, as they are tremendously valuable and important.)

I hear this same notion from adults. Someone tells me they are going to retire soon, and I know they are beyond excited to leave their current career. When I ask what they are going to do next if they aren’t working anymore, they respond, “Well I’m still going to do something, but it will be something I love. I don’t consider that work.” This is an innocent enough comment on the surface, but do you see what’s really going on behind the curtain? Here’s my translation (which is obviously an over generalization being used for dramatic effect): “I’ve been getting paid for decades to do something I don’t really love. I’m looking forward to being able to ‘retire’ so I can finally do something I enjoy. I’m probably not going to charge what I’m worth for it because I actually like it and I don’t consider it work (even though I probably could have made a respectable living and enjoyable career doing this for the last few decades and not felt the need to ‘retire’ as quickly as possible).”

Let me be clear. I’m not demeaning or criticizing this person. We’ve been conditioned to think and feel this way about work and money from the time we were kids. What I’m suggesting is this person could have had a richer life and career if they had believed even good work is still work. When we can connect something we love with respectable compensation, we enter an entirely new existence. Good news: it’s never too late!!

“Daddy, we love mowing…..and we get paid for it!” If I can get my kids to internalize this perspective, work will forever change for them. It’s the entry point to work that matters…..and they have 80 years of work in front of them! If this happens, it will be one of my greatest parenting wins of all time.

Retiring Your Kids?!?!?!

I’ve seen this topic pop up from time to time in the past, but it seems to be gaining steam these days. Perhaps it’s a natural byproduct of more and more people understanding the power of compound interest. Mix that with people’s desire to hoard and the common belief that money=happiness, and it’s a perfect recipe for “winning.”Here’s the idea. If you, as a parent, invest $x today (or $y per month) when your child is a baby, you’ll effectively be able to “retire” them. In other words, if you build up enough investments early enough, there will be a huge sum of money in there by the time your kids reach their 40s, 50s, or 60s…..so they will be able to retire without having to put in any of the actual work themselves.

The math is true. You can absolutely do this. It’s quite possible if you really want to do this. I can even teach you how if you care to know the math. My question is this: Why would you want to ruin your children? Part of being an adult is having to figure it out. Do good work, be productive, serve others, be disciplined with our giving/saving/giving, invest consistently and patiently, and live a meaningful life. When we attempt to retire our kids through investing, it’s like asking our kids if they want to put a puzzle together, but you already put 90% of the pieces together for them. The point wasn’t to complete the puzzle, but rather the process of putting it together. That’s where the meaning lies.

I’ve seen so many people get absolutely ruined by having tons of money dropped on them early in life (or knowing early in life it will be dropped on them in due time). Some of it was planned, some was accidental, and some was situational. But in most cases, regardless of the reason, the meaning, motivation, and purpose can easily be zapped from their lives. Yes, they have wealth…..and wealth can buy a lot of things. But at what cost? I’ve seen the cost and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I thought the previous sentence might be an exaggeration, so I considered changing it. But after further contemplation, I’m not sure it is. When we completely remove the need to be productive, especially at an early age, it does a number on us mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.

Don’t ever forget the importance of the journey. It’s far more valuable and rewarding than the destination.

When "Skin in the Game" is Anything But

One of my favorite topics to engage in with teens and parents alike is the idea of getting through college debt-free. As you can imagine, this can be on the controversial side of the conversational spectrum. However, it’s something I believe in deeply, and I have countless examples of clients, friends, and youth group kids successfully navigating that journey. It’s one of my favorite wins to acknowledge and celebrate.

Whenever these conversations come up with parents, I get all types of responses. Please understand that I respect every parent’s opinion on the topic. They are the parents of their children and they have the right (and obligation) to lead the best they can. I will absolutely support people with whatever decisions they make with their families. In these conversations, there’s one comment I hear more than any other. They explain that their kids will take out student loans because they want their kids to “have skin in the game.” This is spoken through the lens that paying for their children’s college is an entitled approach in which their kids are not motivated to do the right thing, whereas the student acquiring student loan debt helps to align interests.

I’m all for having “skin in the game.” In fact, it’s one of the hallmarks of my coaching when walking families through the college planning process. That said, here’s what I always try to explain to parents about student loans. Having your kids sign up for student loans is the furthest thing from skin in the game as you can get. Why? Because when an 18-year-old is going to college with student loans, all that’s required of them is to sign a few pieces of paper…..then go have fun. There’s no real sacrifice, and worse, no real awareness or accountability along the way.

The student loans actually remove skin from the game. To college students, student loan debt feels like magical money falling from the sky. It enables them to go to college, pay rent, get three square meals per day, and maybe even a little pocket money……..just because. No amount of work or sacrifice goes into this. It’s the easiest form of money they will experience in their entire lives.

It isn’t until later that the reality of this debt starts to set in. By later, I mean AFTER they finish the thing they were supposed to have skin in. I call this, “the moment.” The moment when the degree is in hand, they’ve been settled into their first job for a handful of months, and are in the process of transitioning into a full adult existence…..then the letter arrives in the mail. Many of you know the letter I’m talking about! It’s the letter that comes approximately six months following graduation, communicating the commencement of student loan payments. This letter can be sobering. I owe how much!?!? My monthly payments are what?!?! For how many years?!?! This is the moment where many emotions can come flooding in. Guilt, frustration, defeat, resentment, worry, and anger.

All the while, they thought things were alright. College was being paid for, the money was always available, and they lived a solid college career. Yeah, they knew they would have some student loan debt after they graduated. But this much!?! This is the moment. I’ve walked alongside far too many people who had recently experienced this moment. Almost without fail, I hear the same thing from them. “I wish I would have known this is what it would end up being. If I had, I would have made some different decisions.” Ouch.

Parents, skin in the game is good. No, it’s awesome! Congrats to you for wanting that for your children. My appeal to you is to not use student loan debt as that skin.

* Please pass this along to any parents who need this encouragement today. We can shift the futures of the next generation, one family at a time!

Walking the Line Between Guilt and Growth

Welcome to the unexpected third installment of the unexpected three-part series about parenting and money. Thanks to Pax’s broken arm and a lot of reader feedback, this has turned into a fantastic discussion. Over the past few days, I’ve received a lot of questions and wonderings from parents. Many share a situation relevant in their life, then ask if it’s perpetuating guilt or growth. In short, there are a lot of parents doing a lot of good parenting…..in less-than-ideal circumstances. I thought it would be worthwhile to share one common example, as it carries a lot of parallels to many different scenarios we as parents may find ourselves in.

Scenario: A teen driver gets a few speeding tickets, which inevitably results in the family’s auto insurance rates going up.

Healthy Option: Make the teen pay for some or all of the incremental insurance cost. This allows them to take ownership of the situation and models the adult reality that actions have tangible consequences. Growth can happen here and the teen feels some level of organic, external pain.

Neutral Option: The parents pay for most or all of the incremental cost and you never again bring it up in conversation as a way of reminding them of what it’s costing you. Mistakes were made, costs were incurred, and we all move on. There’s neither growth nor guilt.

Toxic Option: The parents pay for all of the incremental cost and periodically (or frequently) bring it up to the teen. It gets brought up whenever there’s conflict, the next time they make a mistake, when you want to illustrate how much you do for your kids, or when you need/want something from them. You “help” your teen by paying this cost, but then turn around and use it as a weapon to manipulate, control, and push guilt on them.

There are a million similar-but-different situations we encounter in our parenting journey, from the time our kids are toddlers to the time they are caring for us in our old age. All we can do is the best we can do, each step of the way. Parents, I feel for you. Life comes fast and it doesn’t stop. To make it even harder, every time we figure out this whole parenting thing, our kids develop into the next stage and the rules change once again. It’s a wild ride, but a beautiful ride.

You got this!