Fatherhood and the Need to "Provide"
When I left my previous career, I did so with twin 3-year-olds and a wife who stayed home with them. Translation: we had a lot of mouths to feed, and I was the sole income for the family. A few days after announcing my resignation, a colleague pulled me aside. He was a few years older than me, also a husband and father. I thought he would congratulate me or perhaps wish me well in my future endeavors. Instead, he laid into me. He went on and on about how I needed to provide for my family. I was well aware of my responsibilities, as I had been thinking about it for months.
"Travis, you need to provide for your family!!!"
"Yeah, I know. That's exactly what I'm planning to do."
"But you said you are going to take a huge pay cut."
"I am.....so what?"
"Your family deserves better, and you're taking that away from them."
Ah, now I get it. By better, he means more. By more, he means money. By money, he means comfort. By comfort, he means a higher standard of living. As a husband and a father, I deeply desire to "provide" for my family, but perhaps we need to define the word "provide." When it comes to husbands and fathers, we often get pigeonholed as someone whose role is to provide financially. Give our kids what we didn't have, or better than we had, or the opportunities they deserve, or [insert another ridiculous notion here].
Don't get me wrong, I do believe in providing financially. It's a big responsibility and one I don't take lightly. However, that's just part of the role. In addition to providing financially, husbands and fathers also need to provide physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and with our presence. If we're dumping boatloads of money onto our family but fail in these other areas, we've lost. Society says we've won, but we've lost. It reminds me of two stories:
I once had a youth group kid whose dad was an uber-successful businessman. Financially, they had everything they could ever want. The houses, cars, clothes, technology, and trips. They had a life many envied. But one day, she told me, "I don't really know my dad. He lives in my house, but I rarely see him. Some days I just wish we were a normal family and I could have a dad." Ouch. So sad.
When my kids were babies, while having dinner with Sarah, I was patting myself on the back for better navigating my life/work schedule so I could be home more. After all, we had two babies! I was expecting her to affirm what I had just said, but she threw me a curveball instead. "You're here, but you aren't here." Ouch. So sad.
Getting the money stuff right is important, but not when it sabotages the other areas. Yes, let's financially take care of our families. But don't let the pursuit of more, in the name of "providing," get in the way of being a true provider. Happy Father's Day to all you dads and grandpas out there. Go, provide for your families......in all the ways!