"Travis, I Think I Messed Up."

I come to you today with a heartbreaking story. A man recently reached out to me after discovering some of our content. He said he was embarrassed to share it, but thought "maybe good can come from it." While the story is heartbreaking (my words, not his), it's all too common in our culture. "Travis, I think I messed up." That's how his message started.

In short, here's the situation. This man is approaching 50 years old, lives in the suburbs of a major US city, has two teenage kids, and has a lucrative career. His approach to work and money was simple. Make as much money as quickly as possible, so he can spend more time with his family and provide them with the life they "deserve."

Year after year, decade after decade, that's exactly what he did. He worked hard, provided financially, and raced toward this perceived finish line where he'll be able to spend more time with his family and give them the riches they deserve. One problem. In just two short years, he'll be an empty-nester.

As he so clearly and painfully puts it, "I missed it. I missed being a dad." While he was busy providing materialistic goodies for his family and endeavoring to create future freedom to spend more time with them, he simply wasn't present. He literally missed their childhoods. Today, instead of priceless memories, he has deep regret.

He now sees the irony of his approach. In his effort to get more time with his family, he was absent. He thought more money was the needed ingredient to create time with his family. Now he realizes more time was the secret to more time. It was right there in front of him, and he missed it.

Now, he has a lot of resources. He'll be able to retire in a few years and do whatever he wants. That sounds great....the American dream! Except what he wants more than anything is to spend time with his kids. Unfortunately, they are heading to college soon, creating their own lives, starting their own careers, and building their own families.

Money isn't the answer. Money can't create meaning. Money can't provide us with something that fills us up and delivers deep fulfillment. The sad truth is that money is often the thing that pulls us away from the meaning. It robs us of what we're genuinely looking for.

He wanted me to share this story with you today, hoping that even one person heeds his example. If so, it won't be for nothing. I feel for this man, and I feel for so many others who fall into this trap. Don't fall for it. You deserve better than this. Please don't let this man's story be for nothing. I know I won't.

Fatherhood and the Need to "Provide"

When I left my previous career, I did so with twin 3-year-olds and a wife who stayed home with them. Translation: we had a lot of mouths to feed, and I was the sole income for the family. A few days after announcing my resignation, a colleague pulled me aside. He was a few years older than me, also a husband and father. I thought he would congratulate me or perhaps wish me well in my future endeavors. Instead, he laid into me. He went on and on about how I needed to provide for my family. I was well aware of my responsibilities, as I had been thinking about it for months.

"Travis, you need to provide for your family!!!"

"Yeah, I know. That's exactly what I'm planning to do." 

"But you said you are going to take a huge pay cut."

"I am.....so what?"

"Your family deserves better, and you're taking that away from them."

Ah, now I get it. By better, he means more. By more, he means money. By money, he means comfort. By comfort, he means a higher standard of living. As a husband and a father, I deeply desire to "provide" for my family, but perhaps we need to define the word "provide." When it comes to husbands and fathers, we often get pigeonholed as someone whose role is to provide financially. Give our kids what we didn't have, or better than we had, or the opportunities they deserve, or [insert another ridiculous notion here]. 

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in providing financially. It's a big responsibility and one I don't take lightly. However, that's just part of the role. In addition to providing financially, husbands and fathers also need to provide physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and with our presence. If we're dumping boatloads of money onto our family but fail in these other areas, we've lost. Society says we've won, but we've lost. It reminds me of two stories:

I once had a youth group kid whose dad was an uber-successful businessman. Financially, they had everything they could ever want. The houses, cars, clothes, technology, and trips. They had a life many envied. But one day, she told me, "I don't really know my dad. He lives in my house, but I rarely see him. Some days I just wish we were a normal family and I could have a dad." Ouch. So sad.

When my kids were babies, while having dinner with Sarah, I was patting myself on the back for better navigating my life/work schedule so I could be home more. After all, we had two babies! I was expecting her to affirm what I had just said, but she threw me a curveball instead. "You're here, but you aren't here." Ouch. So sad.

Getting the money stuff right is important, but not when it sabotages the other areas. Yes, let's financially take care of our families. But don't let the pursuit of more, in the name of "providing," get in the way of being a true provider. Happy Father's Day to all you dads and grandpas out there. Go, provide for your families......in all the ways!