Would You Wave the Wand?

Think about some of the more significant mistakes and failures you've experienced in your life. If they are significant, I suspect they involved some level of pain. Take the next 30 seconds to think about what these mistakes are.

Alright, now that you've locked yours into your mind, I have a question. If you could wave a magic wand and undo these events, would you? As I think about my collection of terrible failures, my immediate gut answer is an overwhelming "Yes!" After all, these events have caused me a great deal of pain and suffering over my lifetime. However, as I think about it, I'm not sure I would wave that wand. I deeply regret some of these mistakes but I don't think I'd wish them away. These mistakes (and the consequences of them), in part, is what has shaped me into who I am today. My life, as it stands, is a result of all the good and all the bad, wrapped up with an imperfect little bow.

Though it's not fun to think about, some of our best growth happens through and after moments/seasons of pain. If I could undo the five worst mistakes I've ever made, I wouldn't be me. I might have fewer scars, a handful more intact relationships, and maybe some more money, but I wouldn't be me. It would be a more sterilized version of myself.

This is the thing I've learned about failure. Failure isn't losing. Failure is learning, so we'll be better next time when the stakes are higher. If I hadn't failed so miserably with my finances when I was in my late-20s, I might never have been humbled. That version of Travis may have lived the remainder of his adult life materialistically and selfishly, continuing to fall into the cultural trap of more. I experienced a brutal financial journey in that season, but I'm so much better for it.

If I hadn't failed at becoming a biological father, my two sons would never have come into my life. The fertility and adoption struggles were profoundly painful, but our family is infinitely blessed as a result. Someone once asked me if all the pain and suffering was worth it. My answer was immediate and honest, "It wasn't worth it until the moment it was worth it." Some of this pain will follow me to my grave, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Pain and failure grow us. As much as we'd probably like to wave the magic wand and undo it all, that very pain is what makes you, you, and me, me. I think it would be tragic if we suddenly became lesser, watered-down versions of ourselves. I guess we're lucky that wand hasn't been invented yet.....

Avoid Life-Altering Mistakes

In my ten years as a youth group leader, there's one piece of advice I levied on my young friends more than any other. Well, maybe the third most: 1) Love God, 2) Love others, and 3) Don't make life-altering mistakes.

The reality is we will all make mistakes.....lots of them! If I think hard enough, I can think of a dozen I've made in just the last few days. All mistakes have consequences, but not all consequences are created equal. There are mistakes, and there are life-altering mistakes. It's imperative we know the difference.

I forgot to prepare the coffee pot before going to bed the other night. Consequence: I had a slightly grumpy wife the following morning. There was a consequence, but not a significant consequence. I once forgot my wedding anniversary. To clarify, I knew my anniversary was coming up, and I even bought Sarah a gift, but on the actual day, I forgot it was our anniversary. Again, consequences.....but not significant. If I were to cheat on my wife, that would also be a mistake. However, that mistake would have much more dire consequences. A life-altering mistake with possible life-altering consequences. Not all mistakes are created equal, but sometimes we humans do a poor job of doing these types of mental calculations.

Whether we're a teenager or a full-fledged adult, we need to understand the difference.....whether it's life, work, relationships, or even money. No matter what we're doing, the goal shouldn't be to stop making mistakes. Mistakes go hand-in-hand with progress. We can't move forward in life without making mistakes. The goal should be to avoid life-altering mistakes. It's easier said than done, but it gets a whole lot more manageable when we're intentionally trying to achieve this goal.

In the hundreds of families I've spent time with talking about work and money, a common thread amongst most of them is that a few life-altering mistakes have taken the wind out of their sails. These mistakes didn't feel like mistakes at the time, but that's how the worst mistakes often develop. The decisions seem innocent and, sure, there's probably some risk, but what are the chances that will happen?!?! If there's one thing certain about humans, it's that we underestimate the probability of the downside occurring and equally underestimate the severity of said downside if it actually does happen.

I wish I could give you some concrete advice on how to do this better. Truth is, it's hard. But I'll give it a shot:

1. Before making a decision, sincerely ask yourself what the true downside could be.

2. Once you know the downside, be honest with yourself about how possible it actually is.

3. Understand the consequence in your specific life if the downside happens. Will it bruise you, scratch you, cut you, gash you, or amputate you?

4. Don't rush your decision. A rushed decision is a regretful decision.

5. The moment you know you've made a mistake, acknowledge that you made a mistake and immediately shift gears.

6. Meaning over money....always meaning over money

Happy decision-making, all!

Losing Together

Here’s the scenario. We have a married couple, with combined finances, and a shared vision. By all accounts, this is an amazing couple. They love each other deeply and genuinely love being married to one another. In the course of living life, one spouse makes a financial mistake. I’m not talking about buying a jar of chunky peanut butter when your spouse wanted creamy. I’m talking about a mistake that will inevitably cost the family nearly $1,000.

This recently played out with one of my clients. It’s not an uncommon scenario, though. Life moves fast and we make hundreds of decisions each day…..often under stress, unknowns, and time constraints. There are a lot of ways this type of situation can play out, but here’s how it often does. The mistake-making spouse, out of a feeling of guilt and obligation, chooses to personally eat this cost. For a family that practices the use of personal spending, this individual will elect to pay for it out of their personal spending (either upfront or over time). The other spouse, also possibly upset about the situation, is more than happy to let the other person eat it. After all, it is their fault, and they should pay for their mistake.

It’s easy to go down that route, but I can tell you with utmost certainty, that it’s a toxic way to handle it. I would know because Sarah and I have done it…..multiple times. However, at some point in the journey, I realized we were missing the point. We should win together AND lose together. When one of us succeeds, we both succeed. If that’s true, then when one of us fails, we both should fail…..together. It’s not about keeping score, punishing the other spouse, or being vindictive. It should be about rallying around each other, taking care of business, learning a valuable lesson, and putting it in the rear-view mirror.

Coincidentally, we had a terrible (but fun) moment in our house yesterday. I opened the mail to find a $100 speeding ticket triggered by an automated speed camera. After examining the facts of the matter, I realized it was clearly Sarah who is the criminal. She was visibly upset when I told her about it, but her go-to response WASN’T to immediately try to eat it herself. Instead, she asked when it’s due and started pondering where it will come from in the budget. I’m frustrated with her, and she feels guilty, but we’ll eat it together and quickly put it in the rearview mirror. That’s how it should work.

It won’t be her last mistake, and unfortunately, I’ll probably make my fair share as well. We’ll continue losing together, and hopefully, you do, too.

Wiping the Slate Clean

Has this ever happened to you? Life gets intense. Maybe it’s sickness, relational turmoil, job stress, or just being too busy. In the midst of life hitting so hard, you lose sight of your finances. You forget to do a few things, fail to track your spending, or perhaps don’t have a budget to begin with. Money is the last thing on your mind and it is what it is. Can you relate?

Most people can, at some point or another. When we hit a season like this, there’s a common sequence of events that can happen. You look at your situation and think, a) I don’t even want to know how much I messed up, b) that’s a lot of tracking to go back and recreate, and c) the hole feels too deep to dig out of. When we have one or more of these thoughts, it leads us to simply do nothing. Out of sight, out of mind. We choose to ignore it, which propels us to ignore it some more, which makes us want to permanently ignore it. Some would call that quitting….and you wouldn’t be alone.

I occasionally have clients who experience some version of this. It’s usually accompanied by a lot of guilt, stress, and frustration. My response is quite simple: “The past is the past. There’s no need to dwell on it. Let’s just wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start next month.” On one hand, this seems like an irresponsible decision. After all, knowing what happened is important…..it provides learning and accountability. True, very true. However, if the idea of hashing through the past creates paralysis, it does zero good. At some point, we need to focus our eyes on the present and the future. It’s amazing to see the faces of people when I ask them to simply move forward and leave the past alone. There’s a freedom in that decision that allows them to embrace what’s right in front of them. It can quickly turn into a springboard to regain momentum and progress.

That’s the thing with money. Money is NEVER about money. It’s always about something bigger. Life can be heavy, hectic, and busy. In the midst of it, you messed up. So what?!? You aren’t perfect and were never supposed to be. Please give yourself grace today…..you deserve it!

It Always Makes Sense.....In Hindsight

Yesterday was the first session of a financial class I host for our church’s youth group students. This is our 10th year, and it’s always one of the highlights of my spring. In the first session, we cover God’s ownership, contentment, and the difference between needs and wants. As we were talking about needs vs. wants, we had what is always a fun conversation. Many needs and wants are clear. Food = need. Video game = want. Clothing = need. Luxury clothing = want.

Other categories, however, always drum up a lot of debate. One such category is cell phones. Is it a need? Or a want? 10 years ago, the room was split. Having a cell phone was important…..but a need? Today, cell phones receive a near-unanimous vote for the “need” camp. I don’t disagree with this assessment.

The conversation took an interesting twist when we started talking about life in the 90s when cell phones were around, but not used the same as they are today. I explained how I had a cell phone mounted in my car, but I couldn’t carry it around with me. One of the students asked why we didn’t all push more toward having portable cell phones. A very simple question that, in hindsight, seems quite obvious. However, I explained that it just wasn't a thing and we didn’t even think about it as a thing. Who would even need or want a phone in their pocket 24 hours per day!?!? It seemed unfathomable to us back then. Then just a handful of years later, we all carried phones in our pockets.

In hindsight, this all makes sense. It’s like that with a lot of things in life. It’s easy to feel stupid when looking back, thinking about how much we missed the boat on something. A decision we made, the way we lived, something we bought, who we spent time with, a job we took, or even a job we left. It’s so easy to look back with perfect 20/20 vision, but life is anything but clear when we’re in the middle of it. We only know what we know. We have to make the best decision with the information we have at the time, then move on.

Many of us like to play the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. It’s a game we always lose. The odds are stacked against us because we get to judge our prior selves with clarity. It’s an unfair fight! It’s like today’s Lebron James playing 1v1 with his 5th-grade self……It will no doubt be a vicious beating. What’s the answer to this? Two things. First, grace. We need to give ourselves grace when we screw up. We most likely made the best choice with the information we had. Sometimes that goes well, and other times it’s a dumpster fire. It happens. Second, we can learn from it. We will most certainly screw up again in the (near) future, but we can get better each time. Let’s not waste a good mistake.

Always remember, life is lived through the windshield, not the rearview mirror. Have an awesome day!

Laugh, Then Move On

I have a really bad habit. Every time I speak, record a podcast, create a YouTube video, or have a meaningful meeting with someone, I replay it back in my head in the hours and days that follow. Not only that, but I dissect and criticize everything I did or said. “Travis, you should have said ____.” Or “Travis, you shouldn’t have done _____.” All the way to, “ Travis, you screwed up that part where you could have made an impact!” The self-talk can become a death spiral! I hope I’m the only one who experiences this, but I’m afraid many others like me are out there.

Along the journey, however, something happened. I got to the point where I was recording so much content, speaking to so many audiences, and having so many meetings, that I couldn’t afford to dwell. I realized every moment I spent dwelling on what happened robbed me of the opportunity to make a difference in the next one. I also came to the realization none of this defines me. It’s a moment in time. It’s not my identity.

I’m glad I’ve progressed in this area, as I recently lived out my public speaking nightmare. I was emceeing Sunday services at my local church, as I do once every 6 weeks or so. I’m notoriously bad at recognizing when songs are coming to a close, so I always have the worship leader give me a little visual signal when it’s my cue to approach the stage. If done well, I’m in the right position a few seconds before they wrap up.

During the first service, my friend Kevin forgot to give me the signal. So there I was, realizing I need to be up there about 2 seconds ago, sprinting up the stage and into position. Not ideal, but it wasn’t a huge loss. Fast forward an hour. As I’m waiting for that same moment during the second service, I don’t trust Kevin to give me the signal (shame on me!). Instead, I thought to myself, “I got this! I’ll judge it well.”

You can probably guess where this is heading. At the perfect moment, I casually and confidently walked onto the stage and into position. Except there was a problem: they were still singing……and they kept singing. Uh oh, I was early! I was stuck! I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t unring this bell. I was a hostage to my own poor judgment. All I could do was stand there, with the bright lights shining, acting as though I was supposed to be there. I’m not sure how long it lasted. It felt like four hours, but it was probably 45 seconds……45 very lonely seconds.

Several of my friends gave me a hard time afterward, and we shared a laugh at my expense. But then I moved on. I made a mistake, was able to laugh about it, then moved on with life. It doesn’t define me and it won’t bring me down. I’m sure I’ll screw up again soon, but when I do, I hope I’m able to simply laugh and move on.

If I can learn this, so can you! Laugh, then move on.

Parenting: Failing Forward

Have you ever been in a situation where you flat-out knew you were underqualified? Where you were in way over your head, and your only goal is to get through it without melting down? Where you were painfully self-aware of your shortcomings but perhaps those around you weren’t, so in addition to surviving, you also hoped nobody would find out how just how big of a fraud you really are? I hope I’m not the only one.

No, I wasn’t joking!

I’ve felt like that as a parent. No, I’m not talking about a specific situation that stands out in my mind. I honestly mean the entire last 3 years of my life. Becoming a parent is easily one of the most humbling things you’ll ever go through. I know there are a lot of parenting “experts” out there. We all know some. You know, the ones who have been parents for two days and somehow already have more parenting knowledge in their little toe than their own parents ever had (ironic considering their parents presumably raised at least one child from birth to adulthood).

Let’s set those “experts” aside for now – perhaps for further discussion in the future – and focus on the rest of us that perhaps don’t have everything figured out. Shortly after becoming a parent for the first time, I started to tell people this whole parenting this is WAY cooler than I had ever imagined and WAY harder than I had ever imagined. My twin boys are approaching three-years-old and that proclamation holds just as much truth today – perhaps more – than when it first came out of my mouth. This parenting stuff is hard! Or as my wife puts it, “we have the world’s most demanding bosses.” Every day is a new test in patience, leadership, and grace. For example, what is the best course of action when one kid decides to finger paint the living room walls with the other kid’s feces? No leadership book is going to give you a catchy, Instagrammable quote that explains how best to tackle this situation known as poopgate. Rather, each and every situation is a new test and a new way to be humbled.

Any parent that tells you they have it all figured out is either a) drastically overconfident, b) a mythical superhero, or c) a liar. I used to navigate life with the illusion that I will get this parenting thing figured out and all will be set right in the world. All you experienced parents out there know just how naive that notion was.

So this is my way of saying I have no idea what I’m doing…..and chances are, neither do you or your parents. All we can do is do our best. Sometimes that will be good enough, but sometimes it won’t. When it’s not, we need to own it. We need to admit our shortcomings and try to do better next time. If you’re reading this and still live under your parents’ roof, here is my request for you: give them some grace, too. They need it, and they deserve it. We may have grown up viewing our parents as superheroes, but they are really just failing their way forward like the rest of us. They just happen to have some authority in your life. But here’s the other thing: nobody on this planet loves you as much as your parents do. When they make a decision that upsets you, know they are simply doing what they genuinely believe is best for you. It may be, or it may not be, but know their decision is coming from a place of love.

“If you’re reading this and still live under your parents’ roof, here is my request for you: give them some grace, too. They need it, and they deserve it. ”

I know I’m going to make some good decisions and bad decisions as a parent. My goal is to make as many good decisions and as few bad decisions as possible. My deepest desire is for my kids to look back and know that every decision was made out of love. They may not see it in the moment, but I hope that becomes clear one day. After all, my job is not to raise good kids. My job is to raise strong, faithful adults who will change the world in their own unique way. I’m underqualified for the job, but I’m going to give it my all!