"Travis, I Think I Messed Up."

I come to you today with a heartbreaking story. A man recently reached out to me after discovering some of our content. He said he was embarrassed to share it, but thought "maybe good can come from it." While the story is heartbreaking (my words, not his), it's all too common in our culture. "Travis, I think I messed up." That's how his message started.

In short, here's the situation. This man is approaching 50 years old, lives in the suburbs of a major US city, has two teenage kids, and has a lucrative career. His approach to work and money was simple. Make as much money as quickly as possible, so he can spend more time with his family and provide them with the life they "deserve."

Year after year, decade after decade, that's exactly what he did. He worked hard, provided financially, and raced toward this perceived finish line where he'll be able to spend more time with his family and give them the riches they deserve. One problem. In just two short years, he'll be an empty-nester.

As he so clearly and painfully puts it, "I missed it. I missed being a dad." While he was busy providing materialistic goodies for his family and endeavoring to create future freedom to spend more time with them, he simply wasn't present. He literally missed their childhoods. Today, instead of priceless memories, he has deep regret.

He now sees the irony of his approach. In his effort to get more time with his family, he was absent. He thought more money was the needed ingredient to create time with his family. Now he realizes more time was the secret to more time. It was right there in front of him, and he missed it.

Now, he has a lot of resources. He'll be able to retire in a few years and do whatever he wants. That sounds great....the American dream! Except what he wants more than anything is to spend time with his kids. Unfortunately, they are heading to college soon, creating their own lives, starting their own careers, and building their own families.

Money isn't the answer. Money can't create meaning. Money can't provide us with something that fills us up and delivers deep fulfillment. The sad truth is that money is often the thing that pulls us away from the meaning. It robs us of what we're genuinely looking for.

He wanted me to share this story with you today, hoping that even one person heeds his example. If so, it won't be for nothing. I feel for this man, and I feel for so many others who fall into this trap. Don't fall for it. You deserve better than this. Please don't let this man's story be for nothing. I know I won't.

Curse of Comparison: Doha Airport Edition

We just spent a 3-hour layover in the Doha airport. As an aside, the Doha airport is a sight to behold. Take the best airport in America, then make it 18x better, and you have the Doha airport. It’s nice in almost every way. It’s clean, it’s pretty, it’s full of amenities, and the service is fantastic. The multiple bathroom attendants in every bathroom show more hospitality and service than some nicer restaurants I frequent. I always love spending time there. But it also has another quirk. It’s jam-packed with high-end retail. Think of it as walking down Rodeo Drive, but in an airport in the Middle East. They have Maseratis and McLarens in the duty-free shop, for crying out loud!

But this post is about something specific I witnessed. There was a lot of this happening, but I’m talking about one particular man. Like us, he was killing a few hours between flights. He was in one of the watch stores, just browsing. A certain watch caught his eye. In his defense, it was a pretty sweet watch. In a snap decision, he decided to buy it……for $20,000!!!! That’s right. A man just burning time between flights was window shopping, and impulsively bought a $20,000 watch, just because. 

These are the moments when comparison hits hard. Sarah and I’s cars don’t even combine for $20,000 of value. And this man just drops $20,000 on a whim? In those moments, it’s really easy to play the jealousy card. It’s easy to immediately feel negative about our own life. It’s easy to wish we could have a different existence. This is where I come back to meaning over money. I don’t know anything about this man. He may be the happiest guy on the planet…..or the most miserable. His life might be full of broken relationships, loneliness, and emptiness. I don’t wish that upon him, but I simply don’t know.

Here’s what I do know. I know I love my life. Even though I can’t impulsively buy a $20,000 watch, I know I wake up every day excited to serve those who I wish to serve. I have a wonderful family that I can financially take care of. I’m blessed in so many ways. I could choose to compare, but instead I’m choosing to not. I need to focus on what I do have, not what I don’t. 

We don’t need to be in a high-end watch store to feel this tension. At some level, we feel it every day. In those moments, big or small, we get to make our choice. Choose carefully.

Creating Margin for Impact

I talk a lot about the idea of creating margin in our finances. We do this to provide peace, flexibility, and contentment. However, there’s a piece missing from the typical narrative of margin. All these positive consequences of creating margin are about me, me, and me. One of the hidden benefits of creating margin in our own lives is the opportunity to lift others up. When we live with financial margin, we can provide financial assistance to the struggling single mother. When we live with time margin, we can serve in our local church or a local non-profit. When we live with career margin, we allow ourselves the ability to say “yes” to new opportunities to put our talents to use.

Herein lies the problem. We humans don’t do a great job living with margin. Some of the highest earners I know give very little in the form of generosity. It’s not that they are greedy, selfish people. Rather, despite their high incomes, they’ve created a life for themselves with little margin. Some of the most servant-hearted people I know don’t serve. It’s not because they don’t care. Rather, despite their passion to help others, they are simply too busy to make it happen. Some of the most talented people I know don’t use their gifts outside of their primary vocation. It’s not that they don’t want to make a difference. Rather, despite their hyper self-awareness of their gifts, they’ve overcommitted to their jobs and there’s simply no more energy or time in their lives to use the gifts elsewhere.

Put another way, our ability to be generous and impactful is far less tied to our resources and talent than our willingness to create margin in our lives. Margin = service. Margin = impact. Margin = love.

"They Only Care About Money"

I thoroughly enjoyed watching the AFC and NFC title games yesterday, especially the AFC game. The way the Chiefs won was as equally euphoric as the Bengals loss was crushing. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by these moments that I can’t sleep when lay my head on the pillow. Last night was no different. I had so many thoughts running through my head.

“They only care about money.” These are words that are often spoken about professional athletes…..and most other wealthy people. Perhaps it’s our culture’s way of demeaning someone who has something we don’t, but we love to put a superficial, materialistic label on people who have achieved financial success. Truth is, I think we have it backward. Instead of looking at them through the lens of only caring about money, perhaps we should consider their massive success (financial and otherwise) is because they actually care so much. After all, when we’re talking about the top of the top of the top echelon of achievers, the allure of money can’t propel one to get to that level. Money isn’t a motivator, but rather a product of the motivation put into action.

This was on full display immediately following the Chiefs/Bengals game. Players on both sides were sobbing. Some were sobbing from the devastation of defeat, while some were sobbing from utter joy. But we’re collectively going to label them as only caring about money?

We see contracts, cars, clothes, houses, and commercials, but rarely see the tens of thousands of hours of practice, studying, and repetition that got them here. We see their masterful achievements, but we don’t see the sacrifice behind closed doors. We see the fame, but we didn’t see everything they went through before they were household names.

Instead of demeaning successful people, maybe we should learn from them. Instead of criticizing them, maybe we should be inspired by them. Instead of telling ourselves they only care about money, maybe we should realize their financial success may be a result of how much they truly care about their craft.

The Joneses Don’t Know They Are The Joneses

Most of us know the saying, “keeping up with the Joneses.” It’s become the motto of modern-day American materialism, referring to the never-ending pursuit to keep up with the spending lifestyles of our neighbors, friends, and colleagues. The house we live in, the car we drive, the school our kids go to, where we go on vacation, the clubs we belong to……the list goes on and on. This phenomenon is a significant contributor to people’s decisions. We all like to say and pretend it doesn’t impact us, but I’ve spent enough time with clients to know we’re being naive if we think that way.

Here’s how powerful of a force The Joneses are in our lives. When we buy a house, we’re not just committing to a certain down payment and monthly mortgage payment. When we select our house, or more specifically, our neighborhood, we’re committing to a lifestyle. This singular decision about what street or neighborhood to move to has the potential to fundamentally change the way we live our lives. That’s a terrifying thought, but it’s as true as the sky is blue.

I want to share a story. It’s a story of four families. These four families are amongst a larger group of friends and neighbors. Through various odd circumstances and connections, I’ve had the privilege of spending time with these families in one way or another. Through conversations with the first couple, it becomes clear the pressure of keeping up with their neighbors adds a level of stress to their marriage. Then when I talk to another couple, they admitted some of their credit card debt is attributed to expensive meals and trips with their neighbors. Then when I interact with the third couple, they get frustrated by “having” to go to certain events (accompanied by a high cost). Lastly, the fourth couple admitted to making a few questionable vehicle purchases out of fear of negative judgment.

Here’s the kicker. Each of these families gets frustrated by trying to keep up with The Joneses (i.e. their neighbors), but to their neighbor, THEY are The Joneses. By trying to keep up with each other, they in turn become the thing each other is trying to keep up with. It’s irony at its finest.

Here’s the good news: every family has the power to hop off the Joneses train. It’s scary to be the first family to jump off, but doing so may give the second family the courage to do it as well. Once the second family does, it allows the entire Joneses structure to crumble.

Think about your own circle. Do you need to be the first of the Joneses to jump off the train?

Self-Inflicted Wounds

It’s a practice as predictable as it is sad. We humans are really good at creating self-inflicted wounds in our financial lives. I’ll use an example. Let’s say Joe’s been working really hard at his job for the past few years. Blood, sweat, and tears, hoping to soon get that promotion so he can create some margin in his financial life. Finally, the day arrives! He gets that promotion, which comes hand-in-hand with a nice pay increase. After so much work and waiting, he finally gets to create some financial traction with his newfound margin. However, he also “needs” a new car. A week later, he’s driving a shiny new car with a fat payment to go with it. It’s ok, though….it was a need. And just like that, his newfound margin is gone. If you were to ask Joe, he didn’t have a choice. He “needed” a car, and he likes it a lot, so he successfully solved the problem. What Joe calls a win, I call a self-inflicted wound.

Fast forward 6 months, Joe’s back to feeling the same financial tension he did before the promotion. In an effort to improve his life, he sabotaged his quality of life. While he doesn’t see it that way, his words, demeanor, and stress say differently.

Fast forward a few more years, Joe climbs another rung on the career ladder. After all those blood sweat, and tears, he gets to create some margin in his financial life. Finally, the day arrives…..and it’s as sweet as he thought it would be. He’s proud of his accomplishment, and he deserves a house worthy of his new success. He doesn’t necessarily “need” it, but he can afford it and it will surely make his life better. And just like that, his newfound margin is gone. If you were to ask Joe, this makes his life better. What Joe calls a win, I call a self-inflicted wound.

Fast forward a few months, Joe’s back to feeling the same financial tension he did before the most recent promotion. Again, in an effort to improve his life, he sabotaged his quality of life. The stress builds, the burden feels heavier, and the pressure heightens.

This is the new American way. Every opportunity we have to increase our quality of life and create margin, we find ways to create self-inflicted wounds. Fast forward a few more promotions, Joe will be making several multiples of what he used to make but feel the same level of stress, pressure, and burden. This is why so many people making $300,000, $400,000, or $500,000 feel the same financial tension they did when they were making $40,000. We aren’t trying to hurt ourselves….we’re trying to improve our life. Ironically, however, we sabotage the very thing we’re trying to create.

The Problem With More

“The problem with more is every time we get more, more is still more.”

- Travis Shelton

Yes, I just quoted myself (#partyfoul). I say this all the time. If you’ve spent any length of time with me, this has undoubtedly come out of my mouth at some point. We have a “more” problem in our culture. Nicer cars, bigger houses, newer tech, grander trips. More, more, and more.

None of these things are inherently bad, but more doesn’t satiate. This is the curse. Every time we get more, we receive a glorious and instant dopamine hit…..only to feel a void once the high subsides. And the only way to get that feeling again? More. And the cycle continues.

The pursuit of more feels like we’re a hamster running on a wheel. There are only two natural outcomes: 1) we jump off the wheel and stop the madness, or 2) we eventually run ourselves into the ground. Unfortunately, most people are choosing the latter.

It's All Going to the Landfill

Nearly every possession you currently own will end up in a landfill before too long. It’s sad, but true. Even crazier is that some of our more expensive items (technology and clothing) will likely end up there in a matter of years.

I’m not demeaning possessions. Rather, when we stop and think about this idea, it has the power to shape our decisions and behaviors. It doesn’t stop me from buying things, but it does force me to consider the opportunity cost. Namely, the opportunity to spend on things that won’t end up in a landfill. In the words of my dear friend Gary Hoag, “invest in mission and memories.” That’s why generosity, travel, and experiences are my family’s biggest categories. While the computer I’m typing this on will soon end up in the landfill, these other things will live forever.

The Pull of More

Sarah’s three love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, and resorts on the ocean.

I just had an ugly conversation with my wife. She was mad, she was upset, and she was tired. There were definitely some other issues at play, but it all came bursting out in four all-too-understandable words, “I miss the money!” She went on to tell me how she misses being able to “buy whatever I want.” Or “just go to Mexico.” Honestly, I feel her. I have these types of feelings every so often, and it can be frustrating and humbling. I’d be lying if I said I was immune to jealousy, materialism, and comparison. We are all human and nobody can be fully immune to it…….even people who teach it and talk about it every day. It can be a surreal experience coaching families with $30,000/month (yes, per month) take-home incomes. These types of conversations can be somewhat disorienting. But here’s what I know to be true from my own experience and from the experiences of my coaching relationships: money NEVER causes happiness, and some people would give up all the money in the world to have a sense of meaning, purpose, and impact. Some of these wealthy families do have a high level of meaning, impact, and purpose, but it’s not caused by the money. Side note: I’m not singling out my wealthy clients, as I have many clients making $40,000/year battling the same considerations.

So yeah, this stuff can be disorienting. Money can twist us up in all types of ways, and the second I let my guard down is the moment I fall right back into that trap. There are lots of things that can trigger me. Stick-shift convertible sports cars, exotic vacations, a beautiful house, high-tech gadgets. I crave all these things! It’s also hard when I’ve tasted so many of these cool things. Travel to dozens of countries, business-class flights, ridiculous restaurants, some of the most beautiful hotels in the world. So cool! However, I can also take a step back and ask myself what’s most important. Would I trade a life of passion for these things? Absolutely not! There’s nothing in this world money can buy that would deter me from living each and every day with the purpose and meaning I’ve been called to pursue. I don’t want to leave you thinking I’m married to a materialistic wife who hates our life. That couldn’t be further from the truth. As the conversation went on and we hashed through it, she concluded “I don’t want our old life back. I don’t want you to give up this career. I’m just having a bad day. I love our life now. I’m just having a bad day.”

I don’t blame her. I have these types of days, too. Certain experiences, or conversations, or social media posts can trigger these types of feelings. Materialism has a hold on us, and I’m not just referring to Sarah and I. I’m referring to all of us. We live in a culture here in the US that’s built around materialism. That’s a fact of life. So the answer is not to simply expect the culture to change, but rather to navigate the culture in a healthy way. Here are a few simple steps we can take to help us work through it without losing our way:

Trip to Mexico on 12-hours notice after the loss of our first child. Feels weird to think about that. Side note: Smiles were a rare occurrence on this trip, but breakfast on a balcony overlooking the ocean did it for her!

1. Surround yourself with like-minded people who also desire to navigate this journey of life without falling into the materialism trap. If you’re married, I hope the person sleeping on the other side of your bed is one of them! If not, we have some trouble coming our way. Aside from our spouse, find friends who also see the bigger picture and have a commitment to a life of meaning rather than the pursuit of more. Don't search for perfect people, as there aren’t any……they are just as messed up as you and me. Find people with a fire for purpose, a commitment for better, and the honesty to hold you to a higher standard.

2. Maintain distance from people who will pull you deeper into the materialism trap. We all have them in our lives! Friends, co-workers, family, neighbors. You know, the people who care way too much about what others think. The people who believe there’s a direct correlation between how much you spend and how much fun you can have. The people who every time they get something new (car, house, gadget, etc.), they are already dreaming of the next upgrade. The people who judge others for making humble decisions around their spending habits. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be friends these types of people. Not at all. Instead, I’m suggesting we give them a little less time and a lot less influence in our day-to-day lives. A wise man once said we become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. I think that applies here.

3. Don’t feel guilty or defeated when you get a materialistic urge. It just makes you human. Instead, we need to process it by asking ourselves two key questions. What triggered that feeling and why? Something we saw, or experienced, or heard? Understanding what stimuli is triggering these emotions is so important, as then we’ll have some control on how many triggers we’re potentially exposing ourselves to. It’s also important to understand why we were triggered. Is it our desire to be accepted? Or as a way to outwardly portray our career/financial success? Or perhaps our way of masking a lack of confidence? Or maybe we just simply want to do what others are doing? If we can understand the answer to the “why” question, we can have a better self-awareness to our own deficiencies and stop subconsciously masking them with spending. Knowing the answer to these two questions (what and why) can make all the difference in the world!

4. Consider the broader context. In a vacuum, sure, we would all like to have a nicer house, a cooler car, a more exotic vacation, and the newest technology. But we don’t live in a vacuum, we live in a wild and crazy world. There’s a give-and-take to everything. Every time we start to desire something, we need to figure out where it fits in the overall scheme of our life. Many people are selling their dreams and their happiness for a nicer car, or a bigger house. It’s about priorities. If your absolute top priority is to switch careers, or start a business, or stay at home with your kids, your spending decisions need to reflect this priority. We can’t say our dream is to stay at home with our kids, then turn around and purchase a $50,000 car. However, if you’re living a meaningful life creating impact on others, pursuing work that matters, and you understand money is not the source of happiness, then buying that car (without debt) could be an ok decision in your life. It’s all about understanding your true priorities/values and making sure your spending decisions align with them.

5. Know it’s ok to have nice things! As long as your spending decisions align with your broader priorities, and you’re doing it for the right reason(s), then you can do it in a healthy way. Later this year, we’re planning to spend some time in Thailand with our kids. We want to go on an adventure, expose our kids to new cultures/foods, explore with them what real diversity looks like, and create memories that will last a lifetime. This trip will cost money, but it falls at the top of our priority list and closely aligns with our priorities and values. Therefore, we will have to make sacrifices in other areas of life to ensure this gets to happen. Then when it happens, we will do it with joy, with excitement, and most importantly, without guilt!

I love my wife, and I honestly love how she’s able to be that raw and honest about something as toxic as materialism. As I told her in this conversation, it’s not going away. It’s something we’ll have to navigate for the rest of our lives. However, if we navigate it well, the quality of our life will be so grand and so meaningful, and in hindsight, we’ll be so grateful we didn’t fall into the trap.