The Pull of More
Sarah’s three love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, and resorts on the ocean.
I just had an ugly conversation with my wife. She was mad, she was upset, and she was tired. There were definitely some other issues at play, but it all came bursting out in four all-too-understandable words, “I miss the money!” She went on to tell me how she misses being able to “buy whatever I want.” Or “just go to Mexico.” Honestly, I feel her. I have these types of feelings every so often, and it can be frustrating and humbling. I’d be lying if I said I was immune to jealousy, materialism, and comparison. We are all human and nobody can be fully immune to it…….even people who teach it and talk about it every day. It can be a surreal experience coaching families with $30,000/month (yes, per month) take-home incomes. These types of conversations can be somewhat disorienting. But here’s what I know to be true from my own experience and from the experiences of my coaching relationships: money NEVER causes happiness, and some people would give up all the money in the world to have a sense of meaning, purpose, and impact. Some of these wealthy families do have a high level of meaning, impact, and purpose, but it’s not caused by the money. Side note: I’m not singling out my wealthy clients, as I have many clients making $40,000/year battling the same considerations.
So yeah, this stuff can be disorienting. Money can twist us up in all types of ways, and the second I let my guard down is the moment I fall right back into that trap. There are lots of things that can trigger me. Stick-shift convertible sports cars, exotic vacations, a beautiful house, high-tech gadgets. I crave all these things! It’s also hard when I’ve tasted so many of these cool things. Travel to dozens of countries, business-class flights, ridiculous restaurants, some of the most beautiful hotels in the world. So cool! However, I can also take a step back and ask myself what’s most important. Would I trade a life of passion for these things? Absolutely not! There’s nothing in this world money can buy that would deter me from living each and every day with the purpose and meaning I’ve been called to pursue. I don’t want to leave you thinking I’m married to a materialistic wife who hates our life. That couldn’t be further from the truth. As the conversation went on and we hashed through it, she concluded “I don’t want our old life back. I don’t want you to give up this career. I’m just having a bad day. I love our life now. I’m just having a bad day.”
I don’t blame her. I have these types of days, too. Certain experiences, or conversations, or social media posts can trigger these types of feelings. Materialism has a hold on us, and I’m not just referring to Sarah and I. I’m referring to all of us. We live in a culture here in the US that’s built around materialism. That’s a fact of life. So the answer is not to simply expect the culture to change, but rather to navigate the culture in a healthy way. Here are a few simple steps we can take to help us work through it without losing our way:
Trip to Mexico on 12-hours notice after the loss of our first child. Feels weird to think about that. Side note: Smiles were a rare occurrence on this trip, but breakfast on a balcony overlooking the ocean did it for her!
Surround yourself with like-minded people who also desire to navigate this journey of life without falling into the materialism trap. If you’re married, I hope the person sleeping on the other side of your bed is one of them! If not, we have some trouble coming our way. Aside from our spouse, find friends who also see the bigger picture and have a commitment to a life of meaning rather than the pursuit of more. Don't search for perfect people, as there aren’t any……they are just as messed up as you and me. Find people with a fire for purpose, a commitment for better, and the honesty to hold you to a higher standard.
Maintain distance from people who will pull you deeper into the materialism trap. We all have them in our lives! Friends, co-workers, family, neighbors. You know, the people who care way too much about what others think. The people who believe there’s a direct correlation between how much you spend and how much fun you can have. The people who every time they get something new (car, house, gadget, etc.), they are already dreaming of the next upgrade. The people who judge others for making humble decisions around their spending habits. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be friends these types of people. Not at all. Instead, I’m suggesting we give them a little less time and a lot less influence in our day-to-day lives. A wise man once said we become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. I think that applies here.
Don’t feel guilty or defeated when you get a materialistic urge. It just makes you human. Instead, we need to process it by asking ourselves two key questions. What triggered that feeling and why? Something we saw, or experienced, or heard? Understanding what stimuli is triggering these emotions is so important, as then we’ll have some control on how many triggers we’re potentially exposing ourselves to. It’s also important to understand why we were triggered. Is it our desire to be accepted? Or as a way to outwardly portray our career/financial success? Or perhaps our way of masking a lack of confidence? Or maybe we just simply want to do what others are doing? If we can understand the answer to the “why” question, we can have a better self-awareness to our own deficiencies and stop subconsciously masking them with spending. Knowing the answer to these two questions (what and why) can make all the difference in the world!
Consider the broader context. In a vacuum, sure, we would all like to have a nicer house, a cooler car, a more exotic vacation, and the newest technology. But we don’t live in a vacuum, we live in a wild and crazy world. There’s a give-and-take to everything. Every time we start to desire something, we need to figure out where it fits in the overall scheme of our life. Many people are selling their dreams and their happiness for a nicer car, or a bigger house. It’s about priorities. If your absolute top priority is to switch careers, or start a business, or stay at home with your kids, your spending decisions need to reflect this priority. We can’t say our dream is to stay at home with our kids, then turn around and purchase a $50,000 car. However, if you’re living a meaningful life creating impact on others, pursuing work that matters, and you understand money is not the source of happiness, then buying that car (without debt) could be an ok decision in your life. It’s all about understanding your true priorities/values and making sure your spending decisions align with them.
Know it’s ok to have nice things! As long as your spending decisions align with your broader priorities, and you’re doing it for the right reason(s), then you can do it in a healthy way. Later this year, we’re planning to spend some time in Thailand with our kids. We want to go on an adventure, expose our kids to new cultures/foods, explore with them what real diversity looks like, and create memories that will last a lifetime. This trip will cost money, but it falls at the top of our priority list and closely aligns with our priorities and values. Therefore, we will have to make sacrifices in other areas of life to ensure this gets to happen. Then when it happens, we will do it with joy, with excitement, and most importantly, without guilt!
I love my wife, and I honestly love how she’s able to be that raw and honest about something as toxic as materialism. As I told her in this conversation, it’s not going away. It’s something we’ll have to navigate for the rest of our lives. However, if we navigate it well, the quality of our life will be so grand and so meaningful, and in hindsight, we’ll be so grateful we didn’t fall into the trap.