Failure Isn't Forever

Earlier this week, I shared a heartbreaking story of a man who spent so much time and energy working for more money (so he could give his family a higher standard of living and have more time with his kids), only to realize years later that he missed his kids' childhoods. He feels a deep regret about the path he took. He now recognizes the irony of his situation. He thought he was doing what was needed to have more time with his family, but those actions were the very thing robbing him of a life with his family.

I received dozens of messages after publishing that post. Some people shared their sadness, others expressed parallels in their own lives, and many just appreciated the reminder of what's most important. One message stood out, though. It was from a friend whom I deeply admire. She asked that I share it with this man (which I did), and then I asked if I could share it with all of you (which she happily agreed). Here's what she said:

"As a daughter of a man who has never acknowledged he messed up, and has always been absent, please tell this man he is not too late, and he can still be present for their adulthood. He can turn the story around right now. First job interviews! Weddings! Babies! There's so much they will need him for. I hope he knows that!"

Wow! As someone who has made my fair share of mistakes and failings, I needed to hear that....and maybe you do, too. Failure isn't forever. It's a moment in time. It's something that happens, not who we are. It's an opportunity to grow....or give up. It's a chance to bounce back.....or shrivel.

There's a power in knowing our past failures don't define our future. We do have to reconcile with our past, but it doesn't mean we don't get a second chance. We can't change the past, but we can (and should) change the future.

Friend, I'm grateful for you sharing these powerful and personal words. I know it hasn't been an easy journey, but I'm always inspired by how you use your story to impact others. This man needed to hear your words, and many readers also need to hear them. But If I'm being honest, I really, really needed to hear them.....maybe that's why they cut so deep.

A Clean Slate

If you're like many Americans, August can be a brutal month for your finances. It's a wild cocktail of end-of-summer travel, experiences with friends, back-to-school expenses, and the transition from summer to fall clothes. When all these factors combine forces, it's easy to implode our monthly budget.

This past week, I met with frustrated family after frustrated family, each feeling guilty and defeated by a busted budget and sudden financial stress. It's an easy mistake to make, and it happens to the best of us. Here's the good news if you're a family who budgets healthily. Somewhere between 1 and 30 days from now, we get a clean slate. Even when we mess up, the month eventually concludes, and a new one begins.

This may feel like splitting hairs, but it can make a huge psychological difference. Something powerful happens when we wipe the slate clean at regular intervals. Mistakes will happen (they always do), but they don't define us.....and they certainly don't need to haunt us.

This clean slate perspective can work wonders for us. My wife and I regularly have financial months we'd like to forget. Once the month wraps up, we take inventory of what happened and simply move on. With every passing month comes the opportunity to learn, adjust, and try again. This is our 168th monthly budget since getting married. We've had many bad months in there, but we've learned every step of the way. Some months are amazing, while others end with us counting down the days until the slate is wiped clean. But every time, we eventually get to start afresh.

On the flip side, even when we nail our finances in a given month, the clean slate provides us yet another opportunity to bring our dreams to life. There's a pool of money to account for this month, and therein lies the opportunity for us to live out our values through our budget. Sarah and I have a handful of fun priorities this month, ranging from future international travel, to generosity, to the kids. As we put the budget together, it's been fun to see these aspirations come to life. And next month, we get to do it again.

We don't need to budget forever......just until we die. #dadjoke. Budgeting isn't something we have to do, but rather something we get to do. It's a blessing, not a curse. It's an opportunity, not an evil. It doesn't tell us what to do.....we tell it what we're going to do. It's a beautiful tool to plan our dreams, then put one foot in front of the other to make them come alive.

Embrace the clean slate. Make the most of it. Use this opportunity to live out your values. You won't regret it.

First, We Fail

Yesterday, before I was about to mow the yard, Finn asked if he could help me. He's been obsessed with "mowin' men" since he could talk, so operating a push mower is right up there with ice cream and swimming pools for that kid. At first, I did the turns and let him single-handedly run with the straightaways. Then, about halfway through, he asked if he could do the turns by himself. I assisted him on the first few, but after a while, he got into a rhythm and did them himself.

The yard looks like absolute garbage. The lines are terrible, we missed spots, and he damaged a plant while trying to make one of his turns. But it was a huge win and I'm proud of him. In that moment, I had two options. First, I could have said no to him and insisted I run the show (in an effort to have a better finished product). Second, I could let him learn. I'm always a believer in the second option. While I'd prefer a yard that doesn't look like trash, today's lesson was so valuable.

Regardless of who we are or what we're trying to learn, first, we fail. Failure is the prerequisite to doing it poorly. Doing it poorly is the prerequisite to doing it average. Doing it average is the prerequisite to doing it good. Doing it good is the prerequisite to doing it great. But first, we fail.

The key word is "first." If we don't allow for a first, for the possibility of failure, how do we expect to become great? It reminds me of something I refer to as the experience paradox. Perhaps there's a technical name for it, but this is what I call it in my head. A college student applies for an entry-level job. They don't get hired because they don't have any experience. But they can't get experience until they get an entry-level job. But they can't get the entry-level job because they don't have the experience. See the paradox?

I'm really proud of Finn. The last time we mowed, he simply couldn't do it. Total fail! Today, he did a poor job. Good for him! His innocence and naivety allow him the freedom to simply be bad at something.....then become less bad. When this happens, it enables him to get better through repetition and failure.

This is a beautiful trait in young kids. It's also a beautiful trait in grown adults, though it's far less common. It's not comfortable to do things we know we'll do poorly. Applying for that job. Starting that business. Creating that content. Launching that product. Asking that person out. Asking for that promotion. When we don't have experience, we may fail. But remember, it's all part of becoming great. Becoming less bad is the onramp to the road of excellence.

I hope you do something poorly today!

Would You Wave the Wand?

Think about some of the more significant mistakes and failures you've experienced in your life. If they are significant, I suspect they involved some level of pain. Take the next 30 seconds to think about what these mistakes are.

Alright, now that you've locked yours into your mind, I have a question. If you could wave a magic wand and undo these events, would you? As I think about my collection of terrible failures, my immediate gut answer is an overwhelming "Yes!" After all, these events have caused me a great deal of pain and suffering over my lifetime. However, as I think about it, I'm not sure I would wave that wand. I deeply regret some of these mistakes but I don't think I'd wish them away. These mistakes (and the consequences of them), in part, is what has shaped me into who I am today. My life, as it stands, is a result of all the good and all the bad, wrapped up with an imperfect little bow.

Though it's not fun to think about, some of our best growth happens through and after moments/seasons of pain. If I could undo the five worst mistakes I've ever made, I wouldn't be me. I might have fewer scars, a handful more intact relationships, and maybe some more money, but I wouldn't be me. It would be a more sterilized version of myself.

This is the thing I've learned about failure. Failure isn't losing. Failure is learning, so we'll be better next time when the stakes are higher. If I hadn't failed so miserably with my finances when I was in my late-20s, I might never have been humbled. That version of Travis may have lived the remainder of his adult life materialistically and selfishly, continuing to fall into the cultural trap of more. I experienced a brutal financial journey in that season, but I'm so much better for it.

If I hadn't failed at becoming a biological father, my two sons would never have come into my life. The fertility and adoption struggles were profoundly painful, but our family is infinitely blessed as a result. Someone once asked me if all the pain and suffering was worth it. My answer was immediate and honest, "It wasn't worth it until the moment it was worth it." Some of this pain will follow me to my grave, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Pain and failure grow us. As much as we'd probably like to wave the magic wand and undo it all, that very pain is what makes you, you, and me, me. I think it would be tragic if we suddenly became lesser, watered-down versions of ourselves. I guess we're lucky that wand hasn't been invented yet.....

Even the Best Laid Plans

I had something specific to write about today, but that all went out the window as I’m meandering through a string of failures. We’re on an annual family camping trip, which is starting off strong. I thought I had all the pieces in place to successfully publish this blog each day.

1. My laptop

2. Access to a power source to charge said laptop

3. Campground WiFi

4. Hotspot capabilities as a backup to the campground’s Wifi

Yet, here I am, well after midnight, unable to get this bad boy published. The campground’s Wifi isn’t working at all, and my cell phone has zero signal. It’s not how I thought my day would end, late at night, aimlessly driving around the campground trying to get either a cell phone signal or a working WiFI connection. I had everything planned out, including contingencies, yet I failed.

Money can be a lot like that as well. Even the best-laid plans can yield negative results. Sometimes the ball just doesn’t bounce in our favor. It doesn’t mean it was a bad idea, or we screwed up, or we’re not good enough. Sometimes it just means we got a lousy outcome. I’ve had several of those over the years, including a few in the last 18 months. We can either feel defeated by these losses, or we can strike them up for what they really are: unfortunate outcomes. If we keep doing the right thing for the right reasons, we’ll win far more of these battles than we lose. They key is getting back up on that horse and knowing you aren’t the failure. It’s not always easy, but it does get somewhat easier after enough repetitions. This is something I strongly encourage with my younger clients who don’t yet have the experience to prove what I’m saying is true. We just gotta keep moving forward, win or lose. And if we did the best we can and executed well, but still lost, oh well. We’ll get it next time!

Anyway, sorry for the late post today! Have a wonderful day!

11. Be Aggressively Patient

Yesterday was TJ's (Northern Vessel business partner) 30th birthday. To commemorate the day, he wrote and published "30 Lessons for 30 Years," a reflection on his journey to date. It was a fun list, full of wisdom and insights. Included was a phrase he talks about often: "Be aggressively patient."

He and I have bonded over the mantra over the past few years, which perfectly sums up his career. It's the idea that we need to patiently focus on the long term while giving everything we have in the near term to keep moving forward. It's about trust, belief, work ethic, and personal responsibility. The story of Northern Vessel goes back approximately five years, when TJ was living in Los Angeles. He was inspired by the combination of LA's coffee culture and organizations that practiced top-tier hospitality. Shortly thereafter, upon moving back to Iowa, Northern Vessel was born.

TJ's Northern Vessel story is one of the examples I excitedly detail in my keynote talk. Why? Because it's the perfect representation of failure, patience, aggression, redemption, and success. The Northern Vessel that I'm involved in today is actually the 4th iteration of the company, each coming on the heels of a failure and subsequent shift. The company even folded after the previous fail, but TJ eventually brought it back to life in late 2022 when he opened his brick-and-mortar location. Today, Northern Vessel is experiencing a whirlwind of success. The staff is world-class, the culture is phenomenal, the vibe in the shop feels vibrant, and each week is better than the last. Every single step of the way, he's been aggressive.....and patient. He wouldn't be where he is without the aggression, and he wouldn't be where he is without the patience. Lesser people would have long ago given up on their dream. But not TJ. Not when the "be aggressively patient" mantra is always at the center of his purview.

All he's been through in the last five years is merely the warmup for what's next. To many, 30 seems old. It's not. He's still a baby (I'm still a baby at 41, for the record). He's five years in and has another 50 years to get this right. If I can use a basketball game as the analogy, he's only a few minutes into the first quarter.....he hasn't even broken a sweat yet! If he spent four years getting his legs under him and one year experiencing meteoric success, what does that say about the next 50 years? We're about the find out, and I'm grateful to be on this journey with him.

There's nothing better than doing life with people who focus on being aggressively patient. There's a fire in them, but also a peace. They run extremely hard, but enjoy the journey. They celebrate the big wins, and the small. They never lose sight of where they are going, or where they came from. Always aggressive, always patient!

Losing Together

Here’s the scenario. We have a married couple, with combined finances, and a shared vision. By all accounts, this is an amazing couple. They love each other deeply and genuinely love being married to one another. In the course of living life, one spouse makes a financial mistake. I’m not talking about buying a jar of chunky peanut butter when your spouse wanted creamy. I’m talking about a mistake that will inevitably cost the family nearly $1,000.

This recently played out with one of my clients. It’s not an uncommon scenario, though. Life moves fast and we make hundreds of decisions each day…..often under stress, unknowns, and time constraints. There are a lot of ways this type of situation can play out, but here’s how it often does. The mistake-making spouse, out of a feeling of guilt and obligation, chooses to personally eat this cost. For a family that practices the use of personal spending, this individual will elect to pay for it out of their personal spending (either upfront or over time). The other spouse, also possibly upset about the situation, is more than happy to let the other person eat it. After all, it is their fault, and they should pay for their mistake.

It’s easy to go down that route, but I can tell you with utmost certainty, that it’s a toxic way to handle it. I would know because Sarah and I have done it…..multiple times. However, at some point in the journey, I realized we were missing the point. We should win together AND lose together. When one of us succeeds, we both succeed. If that’s true, then when one of us fails, we both should fail…..together. It’s not about keeping score, punishing the other spouse, or being vindictive. It should be about rallying around each other, taking care of business, learning a valuable lesson, and putting it in the rear-view mirror.

Coincidentally, we had a terrible (but fun) moment in our house yesterday. I opened the mail to find a $100 speeding ticket triggered by an automated speed camera. After examining the facts of the matter, I realized it was clearly Sarah who is the criminal. She was visibly upset when I told her about it, but her go-to response WASN’T to immediately try to eat it herself. Instead, she asked when it’s due and started pondering where it will come from in the budget. I’m frustrated with her, and she feels guilty, but we’ll eat it together and quickly put it in the rearview mirror. That’s how it should work.

It won’t be her last mistake, and unfortunately, I’ll probably make my fair share as well. We’ll continue losing together, and hopefully, you do, too.

Upending Our Lives

In a light-hearted text exchange with a friend, he suggested I write a blog post about “not stressing out while trying to upend our lives.” I think that comment may have been rhetorical, but you get a post anyway! When we take the road less traveled, abandon comfort, and risk all that we perceive as normal, stress is sure to follow. I can’t even explain the amount of stress I’ve experienced since leaving my prior career. The bills will be paid this month, but what about next month? What about the month after that? I have a bunch of client contracts expiring soon……will they keep me around or move on? Will Northern Vessel continue to perform at a high level? When will the next paid speaking gig come? Will anyone want to sponsor our podcast? Yeah, this stuff is EXTREMELY stressful.

With all that being said, I’ll take this stress every single day of the week over a different kind of stress. Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about. The stress of waking up every day with a feeling of dread or mere tolerance for what you’re about to do. The stress of knowing your job security and compensation is in the hands of a collection of people that could simply cut you at a moment’s notice. The stress of doing tasks you simply don’t believe in or see value in. The stress of wanting something different, but being too scared or overwhelmed to go after it. That’s the kind of stress that will eat one’s soul.

I’ll take my stress any day of the week. It can be daunting, overwhelming, and crushing at times……but it’s tied to meaning, purpose, and impact. We absolutely upended our lives when we made our shift nearly four years ago. Neither Sarah nor I would claim it was easy…..but we’ll both testify to our graves that it was worth it. A whole lot of stress, combined with a whole lot of meaning!

Try, Try, Try Again

One of the primary drivers of my partnering with Northern Vessel and becoming a part owner was the business plan to launch of weekly bottle subscription service. Through our proprietary app, people could subscribe to a recurring monthly membership that would provide them with one 64-ounce bottle of our signature cold brew latte each week. I knew this idea was gold, and I was willing to invest my time and money into it.

Three months into the program, it completely failed. Not only was it not a wild success, but it wasn’t even a little bit successful. It bombed, to be frank. I still believe in the idea as much as I did back when we were formulating the business plan, but our execution didn’t give our customers what they wanted, how they wanted it. In our model, people were committing to their bottle every week, on a specific day. There was no way for them to skip when traveling out of town, nor was there a way for them to buy additional bottles when they wanted extra. Requiring pick-up on a certain day also caused inconveniences for people’s schedules and logistics. Lastly, the price tag of $120/month was simply too high for most people. They were getting a fantastic deal for what they were getting, but $120 is still $120. In other words, there were a lot of reasons for people to say “no”…….and that’s exactly what they did.

Every ounce of us wanted to hold onto the idea and try to jam a square peg in a round hole, partly out of conviction and partly out of pride. But we need to listen to the customer. They don’t want that program. They spoke with their actions……or lack thereof. This week we introduced a new program. Instead of people committing to a large sum of money for a certain amount of product, they are committing $10/month to become a club member……which has many benefits to choose from (one of which is an attractive discount on our 64-ounce bottles of cold brew latte). That’s the beauty of this new model. People can use the membership in a way that best suits their lifestyle, schedule, and interests.

Here’s the kicker. This program will allow us to accomplish the same goal as the original model, but better. It’s easy to play Monday morning quarterback and say we should have done it this way from the start, but that would be unfair. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. We learned a lot through this experience (er, failure). It has allowed us to put together an even better program that meets people’s desires. Will this new program succeed? I don’t know, but there’s only one way to find out!

That’s the importance of trying, trying, and trying again. If we admit failure, be willing to humble ourselves, learn from our mistakes, and try something new, we’ll ultimately end up in a far better place!

Riding a Bicycle is Like Riding a Bicycle

I went bike shopping with my kids the other day. Two years ago, we purchased a couple of used bikes off Facebook Marketplace for maybe $50 total. To be honest, these bikes were nearing the end of their life when we got them. They were great first bikes and they most certainly served their purpose. But I promised the boys brand new, hand-chosen bikes for this coming season. They can now ride fully independently, I too love riding bikes, and we now live two blocks from the best bike trail in the state. Needless to say, I’m pumped!

As we were walking through the store, Pax expressed some anxiety about the whole ordeal. “What if I forgot how to ride a bike? What if I can’t do it?” I quickly responded, “it’s like riding a bike.” He stared blankly at me, clearly not understanding my bad joke. You know the expression! Riding a bike is one of those things we quickly pick back up. We can go months or years without riding one, then the moment we hop back on it’s like we never stopped. Call it muscle memory. Call it instinct. Call it magic.

We don’t study to ride a bike, researching the how-tos and techniques for hours on Google and YouTube. We learn to ride a bike by failing to ride a bike. We get on, pedal 20 feet, careen into a ditch, get up, and try it again. Failure after failure, we learn to stay up. Then just like that, we know how to ride. There’s never a moment where we say, “Oh, 5 failures from now I’ll know how to ride it.” We just keep failing until we stop failing. Then we never look back.

Money, work, and life are much the same way. We can research it until the cows come home, but it won’t teach us how to live it. We need to hop on the proverbial bike, scrape our knees, then try again. Each time, we’ll get just a little bit better……until one day we’re soaring down the bike trail of life with the wind in our face and the sun shining down.

Some of you have a bike you’re scared to hop on. You’re terrified of scraping your knees up. You will. You’re nervous you won’t be very good. You won’t be. You think the process will be uncomfortable. It will be. But if you’re willing to get scraped up a few times, you’ll be soaring in no time!

It’s like riding a bike!