The Ratchet of Guilt-Driven Giving

On a recent road trip, I pulled off the interstate to grab a coffee at a convenience store. I selected my beans, chose a size, slid my cup under the spout, and then ushered my beverage up to the cash register to pay. The cashier rang me up, then asked if that was all. After confirming, she asked, "Would you like to round up your purchase to help xyz organization?"

"No thanks."

"It's only $0.73."

"No thanks. I'm good."

"Ok, your total after not rounding up for xyz is $2.27."

What?!?! I'd never had that happen before, but it immediately made me think about this classic scene from South Park.

Guilt is such a powerful tool. It manipulates our emotions, which alters our decision-making process. My favorite part of the scene is when Randy lets guilt get the best of him, relents, and then gets guilted 10x harder. That's the thing about guilt. It's a ratchet that only turns in one direction. Once we submit to guilt, it only goes one way.

I'm sure xyz organization the convenience store advocates for is a wonderful organization doing wonderful work. But it's not where my heart or focus is. Would it be a big deal to round up to the nearest dollar to support this organization? No, of course not. It wouldn't move the needle in my financial life. However, if I'm going to bend to the guilt this time, what about next time? Or the time after that? What about a different context of my day-to-day life? What if, what if, what if. If I let guilt start overtaking my decisions, it will rob me of my intentional focus on the organizations I've hand-selected to support. And those giving decisions weren't made on impulse, like a rushed cash register transaction. They were intentionally thought out and meaningfully executed. The motives behind my giving are pure, honest, and genuine. There's no guilt, coercion, or mind games. It's just one family using the resources they're blessed with to serve others. That's how it should be.

This is where many people get tripped up in their giving. They get pressured, solicited, and/or guilted about so many different giving opportunities that it can take something powerful and special, and turn it into a negative experience to avoid. It can cause us to simply shut down. Or worse, fall into the guilt trap where our giving feels empty and soulless.

There's good news, though! You can reclaim your giving. You can reset the guilt. You can wipe the slate clean. Every month is a new opportunity to get intentional, clear, focused, and radical in our giving. It's never too late to start, and there's no better time than now!

Pain, Joy, then Pain Again

Have I ever mentioned how much I appreciate our readers? As much as I love putting ideas into the world, getting feedback from our readers is at the top of my list of coolest things ever. Each morning, when I get to the office and open my e-mail, there’s already a handful of responses from that morning’s post. If you want to join the fun, simply hit “reply” on the e-mail or leave a comment on the webpage.

Yesterday, I received a pretty awesome story from a reader that is an absolute must-share. He was responding to the post about my friend’s “$10,000 is my limit” comment, which was a reference to the maximum financial gift he would give someone in his life.

Here’s the story. This reader recently attended an estate planning workshop. At some point, the leader advised the audience to “Give beyond the point where it hurts, to the point where it makes us feel good.” This is a concept I talk about often. You know, the whole joy and sacrifice concept. If our giving doesn’t hurt, it’s not truly generous. The next part of his story is where he got me. The leader subsequently offered the reader a personal evaluation of his family’s giving. I’m going to quote my friend’s quote of this man’s quote: “You’ve given beyond the point where it hurts, to where it feels good, and now to a place where it hurts again.” Yes! And this is exactly where my friend wants to be. Heaping spoonfuls of joy and sacrifice.

If you’ve walked down the road of joy and sacrifice like my two friends above, you know exactly what they are talking about. If not, you may think we’ve all lost our minds. In a way, we have. We’ve thrown away society’s rules and norms. We’ve disconnected money and happiness. We’ve experienced, whether intentionally or accidentally, the pure joy that comes from sacrificial giving.

If you think buying a boat is fun, just wait until you lift up that struggling family experiencing immense financial struggle and barely putting food on the table.

If you think the new iPhone is cool, you should see how cool it is to send an exhausted couple on a little weekend getaway to recharge and experience some little luxuries they don’t get in their everyday life.

If you think it’s touching to watch your kids open up a mountain of presents from under the tree on Christmas morning, imagine what it would feel like to provide the resources for strangers to have a warm holiday meal (and a few gifts) who may not otherwise get to experience that part of the holiday season.

Here’s my challenge to you. If you’re already giving sacrificially, double down. Give to the point where it starts hurting again. If you’re in the camp where we sound like a bunch of lunatics, give it a shot. You can always stop if it’s not as amazing as I suggest.

"$10,000 is My Limit"

I recently had a conversation with a friend, and I can't shake it. He's a hard-working man, a grinder by every meaning of the word. I'm not sure how we got there, but he mentioned giving a $1,000 gift to someone in his life. This sparked a long and winding conversation about generosity, grace, gratitude, and faith. 

Until that moment, I didn't even know he was a faithful man. I hadn't known him that long, and this was our first conversation about things deeper than the usual surface-level topics. 

I don't know what shocked me more. Some of his stories about generosity, or his telling of how selfish, greedy, and self-serving he was in his younger days. And wow, he had some wild, unsavory stories about his younger years. But today? He speaks with a passion about generosity, helping others, and trying to live with faith. He mentioned concepts such as:

• Everything we have belongs to God.

• Giving makes us better people.

• The joy that comes from serving others. 

• Holding our money loosely and having faith. 

He had me on the edge of my seat. I wanted more! I wanted to hear more about how he used to be, what changed, and who he is today. 

One thing became glaringly evident: giving is part of his DNA. This is the beautiful thing about life, faith, and redemption. Regardless of who we are today, tomorrow can be different. That message hits a little too close to home for me. In my early-to-mid 20s, I was most certainly on a path to becoming a world-class selfish, materialistic, greedy jerk. But then, I changed. In some ways, the change was overnight, but in other ways, it happened over the course of years (or decades). 

One of my favorite moments during this conversation was when he shared his philosophies and practices around giving. At one point, he looked at me dead-eyed and clarified, "I have limits, though." Now he had my interest. Limits? What does that even mean? Luckily, I didn't have to ask. He continued, "$10,000 is my limit. That's the most I would just give to someone." 

A $10,000 gift is all he would just give to someone? Coward! What a penny-pincher! Ye of little faith. Haha! Just kidding. Wow! I loved how he laid out the boundary, and then immediately explained how the boundary is something utterly absurd that most people will never be able to relate to. Such a fun conversation!

Here's the good news for you. You can be just like my friend. Finding the humility, joy, faith, and growth in acts of generosity. Regardless of where you are or where you came from, you can experience the life-changing power of giving.

I have more good news. You don't have to give $10,000 to be like my friend. We aren't called to give as much as the next person. Instead, we're called to give from what we have, not what we don't have. Joy and sacrifice, sacrifice and joy. 

Spice-It-Up Challenge

When it comes to financial giving, most people fall into one of two camps:

1. It doesn't really exist

2. It's methodical and/or unemotional

I feel for those who don't have generosity in their lives. They don't know what they are missing! There's sincerely nothing better we can do with money than give it away. There are multiple reasons why people don't have giving in their life:

• It was never modeled for them

• They don't believe it's their responsibility to help others

• They'd rather spend it on themselves

• They are jaded because of a negative past experience

• They think they can't afford it

If you fall into one or more of these categories, I implore you to give generosity a chance. Giving will change our lives more than the recipients'. It will rock your world!

On the flip side, many people give, but do so methodically....and largely unemotional. They may have their giving on auto-pilot, or at least know where, how much, and when their gifts will be made. Giving is a regular (or semi-regular) part of their life, but it's not given deep consideration. Some give out of guilt, others out of a sense of obligation, and some for more noble reasons. Whatever this looks like, however, it doesn't usually play a significant role in their day-to-day lives. 

Givers, I think we need to spice things up a little. Giving should be the most enjoyable part of our financial life. If it's not, we're doing something wrong. I love that you give. Props to you for giving in the first place! But, and it's a big but, you deserve better! You deserve to find meaning, joy, and first-hand impact with your giving. You deserve to feel your giving.

So today, I have a challenge for you. Let's call it the spice-it-up challenge. Whatever day you're reading this, I challenge you to take $10 and find a unique way to give it away. It can be more than $10, but it doesn't need to be. How you use this money is up to you. Maybe it's a stranger you see at the grocery store, or the barista at your favorite coffee shop, or someone at church who's been struggling, or even a friend.

It can't be the same giving you always do. After all, this is the spice-it-up challenge......the name alone requires creativity and spontaneity. There are only a few prerequisites:

• It has to be unique.

• You have to care avou the purpose of the gift.

• You must be able to experience the impact of your gift (which may require anonymity). 

• It has to make you smile.

This is a beautiful act to practice. And just like anything else, we get better with practice. This has been a regular part of my life for about seven years. If I'm having a crappy day, I stop what I'm doing and find an opportunity to creatively give to someone. It never fails; that ALWAYS turns my mood around. 

Ready. Set. Go spice it up!

I Don’t Deserve Anything

I have a confession to make. Something recently triggered me. In my line of work, I bring empathy to the table. I have a ton of grace for people and endeavor to walk alongside them, no matter what they are going through. I've worked with couples teetering on homelessness, and couples with tens of millions of dollars. No matter where someone is in their journey, my mission is to serve them well, with compassion. For this reason, it's rare for me to get worked up. But it recently happened with a close friend. I regret getting triggered, so I thought the best way to process it is in front of thousands of people on a blog. So here we go!

It was a discussion about whether or not this Christian man (and his family) should sell their house and buy something better. By better, I mean 5,000+ square feet, indoor basketball court, amazing pool, private movie theater, and a myriad of other bells and whistles. Here's the part that triggered me: "She deserves it." By "she," he was referring to his wife, and by "it," he was referring to one of the nicest houses you'll ever see. 

"She deserves it." Does she? Really?!?! Does he? They can absolutely buy this house if they want to. There's nothing inherently evil about doing so. But where does deservedness come into play? 

When I think about my life, my family, and my journey, I don't think I deserve anything. I'm grateful for everything we have, but never in a million years would I take the posture that I deserve any of it. Yes, we work hard....but that doesn't mean I deserve it. Yes, we've made wise choices.....but that doesn't mean I deserve it. Yes, I can afford some things.....but that doesn't mean I deserve it. 

This isn't even my money to begin with. As a Christian, I believe everything I have is His. It's my job to manage it on His behalf. It's a responsibility and opportunity I don't take lightly. While I'm here, it will be managed well. When I'm gone, it will be given away for a greater purpose. 

But to deserve a massive house nicer than 99% of people in this country (or 99.99% of people worldwide)? That one triggered me. While we're on the topic of deservedness, I have a few alternative ideas. Here's a short list of people who deserve something:

• People all around the world who barely get enough food to survive. 

• Single moms fighting to make ends meet, barely hanging on. 

• Abused, neglected, and abandoned children who don't have guardians who love them.

• Traffic victims who are ripped away from their lives and forced into a sick and twisted reality.

• _______________ (your example here).

We have options. Sure, we can buy that huge house we want but absolutely don't deserve. That's on the table. Or we can use the resources we're blessed with to serve others. It's a weighty decision we each must make.