Avoid Life-Altering Mistakes

In my ten years as a youth group leader, there's one piece of advice I levied on my young friends more than any other. Well, maybe the third most: 1) Love God, 2) Love others, and 3) Don't make life-altering mistakes.

The reality is we will all make mistakes.....lots of them! If I think hard enough, I can think of a dozen I've made in just the last few days. All mistakes have consequences, but not all consequences are created equal. There are mistakes, and there are life-altering mistakes. It's imperative we know the difference.

I forgot to prepare the coffee pot before going to bed the other night. Consequence: I had a slightly grumpy wife the following morning. There was a consequence, but not a significant consequence. I once forgot my wedding anniversary. To clarify, I knew my anniversary was coming up, and I even bought Sarah a gift, but on the actual day, I forgot it was our anniversary. Again, consequences.....but not significant. If I were to cheat on my wife, that would also be a mistake. However, that mistake would have much more dire consequences. A life-altering mistake with possible life-altering consequences. Not all mistakes are created equal, but sometimes we humans do a poor job of doing these types of mental calculations.

Whether we're a teenager or a full-fledged adult, we need to understand the difference.....whether it's life, work, relationships, or even money. No matter what we're doing, the goal shouldn't be to stop making mistakes. Mistakes go hand-in-hand with progress. We can't move forward in life without making mistakes. The goal should be to avoid life-altering mistakes. It's easier said than done, but it gets a whole lot more manageable when we're intentionally trying to achieve this goal.

In the hundreds of families I've spent time with talking about work and money, a common thread amongst most of them is that a few life-altering mistakes have taken the wind out of their sails. These mistakes didn't feel like mistakes at the time, but that's how the worst mistakes often develop. The decisions seem innocent and, sure, there's probably some risk, but what are the chances that will happen?!?! If there's one thing certain about humans, it's that we underestimate the probability of the downside occurring and equally underestimate the severity of said downside if it actually does happen.

I wish I could give you some concrete advice on how to do this better. Truth is, it's hard. But I'll give it a shot:

1. Before making a decision, sincerely ask yourself what the true downside could be.

2. Once you know the downside, be honest with yourself about how possible it actually is.

3. Understand the consequence in your specific life if the downside happens. Will it bruise you, scratch you, cut you, gash you, or amputate you?

4. Don't rush your decision. A rushed decision is a regretful decision.

5. The moment you know you've made a mistake, acknowledge that you made a mistake and immediately shift gears.

6. Meaning over money....always meaning over money

Happy decision-making, all!

When One Chapter Ends

Ten years ago, I was playing a game a pick-up basketball at church when I was unceremoniously punched in the groin. Yes, no better way to start a blog post than with a good ol’ fashion groin punch story. As I was laying in the fetal position trying to gain my composure, the perpetrator of said inadvertent punch approached me to apologize. He introduced himself as Doug Applegate, our church’s youth group director. I’m not sure why, but he decided an injured stranger was the perfect candidate to solicit for a volunteer youth group leader position. Considering I really didn’t care for teenagers, it seemed like a bad idea. However, I was always available to serve, especially when someone “needed” me. I told him I would check it out, then make a decision.

A few weeks later, I showed up at youth group to check out the middle school and high school groups. My middle school experience was a train wreck, because, well, middle school kids. That was the easiest “no” of my life. The high school group, however, was something different. While I was still hesitant, the kids fascinated me it was just interesting enough that I said “yes” to serving for a year. After all, Doug “needed” me. The following school years (2013-2014), I jumped in head-first into an adventure I never saw coming.

Fast forward 10 years. Last night was my last night as a youth group leader. 10 years!?!? Words cannot properly communicate what this youth group has meant to me. These are my people. The kids, my fellow leaders, the parents. Some of the most important people in my life have come as a result of my time as a youth group leader. Doug (you know, the guy who punched me) has become a big brother to me. I’ve learned so much from him over the years, he gave me so many opportunities to use my gifts/passions, and he’s honestly the catalyst for me becoming a professional speaker. I’m eternally grateful for his role in my life, and I can say the same about so many more people. I have more memories than I can count, hundreds of relationships, and have experienced things that have transformed my life. It’s also been a long enough time that these kids turn into adults, with careers, who get married, have kids, and start changing the world. Every wedding, baby, degree, job, and move is worth celebrating. These young friends mean the world to me.

It’s hard to see this chapter of my life close. It’s one of the most special chapters I’ve ever experienced. But all chapters must end so a new one can begin. My kids are getting bigger and busier, while my schedule also continues to get more complicated. As much as I don’t want to leave youth group, my wife and kids need me right now. The feeling is bittersweet, but I also have a peace about it. Who knows, maybe I’ll be back one day. After all, my kids will be eligible for our youth group program in just six years. I have a feeling I may be giving that “train wreck” middle school group a chance in due time.

As this chapter comes to an end, I mourn and celebrate…..but mostly celebrate. It’s been amazing. I’m grateful. I’m content. I’m at peace. When one chapter ends, another begins.

When "Skin in the Game" is Anything But

One of my favorite topics to engage in with teens and parents alike is the idea of getting through college debt-free. As you can imagine, this can be on the controversial side of the conversational spectrum. However, it’s something I believe in deeply, and I have countless examples of clients, friends, and youth group kids successfully navigating that journey. It’s one of my favorite wins to acknowledge and celebrate.

Whenever these conversations come up with parents, I get all types of responses. Please understand that I respect every parent’s opinion on the topic. They are the parents of their children and they have the right (and obligation) to lead the best they can. I will absolutely support people with whatever decisions they make with their families. In these conversations, there’s one comment I hear more than any other. They explain that their kids will take out student loans because they want their kids to “have skin in the game.” This is spoken through the lens that paying for their children’s college is an entitled approach in which their kids are not motivated to do the right thing, whereas the student acquiring student loan debt helps to align interests.

I’m all for having “skin in the game.” In fact, it’s one of the hallmarks of my coaching when walking families through the college planning process. That said, here’s what I always try to explain to parents about student loans. Having your kids sign up for student loans is the furthest thing from skin in the game as you can get. Why? Because when an 18-year-old is going to college with student loans, all that’s required of them is to sign a few pieces of paper…..then go have fun. There’s no real sacrifice, and worse, no real awareness or accountability along the way.

The student loans actually remove skin from the game. To college students, student loan debt feels like magical money falling from the sky. It enables them to go to college, pay rent, get three square meals per day, and maybe even a little pocket money……..just because. No amount of work or sacrifice goes into this. It’s the easiest form of money they will experience in their entire lives.

It isn’t until later that the reality of this debt starts to set in. By later, I mean AFTER they finish the thing they were supposed to have skin in. I call this, “the moment.” The moment when the degree is in hand, they’ve been settled into their first job for a handful of months, and are in the process of transitioning into a full adult existence…..then the letter arrives in the mail. Many of you know the letter I’m talking about! It’s the letter that comes approximately six months following graduation, communicating the commencement of student loan payments. This letter can be sobering. I owe how much!?!? My monthly payments are what?!?! For how many years?!?! This is the moment where many emotions can come flooding in. Guilt, frustration, defeat, resentment, worry, and anger.

All the while, they thought things were alright. College was being paid for, the money was always available, and they lived a solid college career. Yeah, they knew they would have some student loan debt after they graduated. But this much!?! This is the moment. I’ve walked alongside far too many people who had recently experienced this moment. Almost without fail, I hear the same thing from them. “I wish I would have known this is what it would end up being. If I had, I would have made some different decisions.” Ouch.

Parents, skin in the game is good. No, it’s awesome! Congrats to you for wanting that for your children. My appeal to you is to not use student loan debt as that skin.

* Please pass this along to any parents who need this encouragement today. We can shift the futures of the next generation, one family at a time!

To Be Or Not To Be (Your Own Boss)

Yesterday, an interesting and unexpected topic came up in my high school money class. A few students mentioned wanting to someday start their own businesses. This is when another student made a few counter-cultural comments. She expressed her confusion about why so many people want to run their own businesses, citing their typical lack of enjoyment and lack of skillsets in the area of actually running the business. Many students were quick to defend the be-your-own-boss concept, citing freedom and control as primary reasons.

This is the moment the questioning student called foul, fairly pointing out that the whole “freedom” argument seems to be one of the few reasons people use to justify their decision to be their own boss. She smells what I oftentimes smell. Today’s culture says being your own boss is THE definition of success. There’s even a mantra that says “stop making other people rich” by quitting your job and becoming your own boss. I think this trend is far overblown….and quite toxic. It causes people to feel guilty about pursuing traditional employment. Today’s narrative is that working a traditional job is enslaving one’s self and limits your ability to have financial success. Both of these are brutal lies. Some of the happiest and most successful people I know have traditional jobs.

I believe this is one of the many reasons most small businesses fail. So many people start their own businesses out of a sense of need. They think that’s what they are supposed to do. Being your own boss is HARD….and we can be the worst bosses in the world. In my years coaching businesses, there’s a general truth that I can almost count on. Business owners are brilliant at their craft, but far from it on the business side of things. Many business owners wish they could offload the whole “run the business” piece of their life and focus on what they do best. That seems an awful lot like what people do in their traditional jobs.

I love small business. It’s rewarding, it’s hard, and it’s exciting. I can’t imagine doing anything else at this point in my life. However, at the same time, I recognize it’s not for everyone. I wish we, as a culture, would stop elevating it as the be-all-end-all for everyone. It’s not. For many, their traditional job will be their very best life…..and they shouldn’t feel one ounce of shame for that. Embrace it, enjoy it, and do your good work!

* We published a podcast episode about this topic almost two years ago. It’s titled 016 - The Toxic Notion Everyone Should Aspire to Be Their Own Boss. You can find it on APPLE, SPOTIFY, or wherever you get your podcasts.

It Always Makes Sense.....In Hindsight

Yesterday was the first session of a financial class I host for our church’s youth group students. This is our 10th year, and it’s always one of the highlights of my spring. In the first session, we cover God’s ownership, contentment, and the difference between needs and wants. As we were talking about needs vs. wants, we had what is always a fun conversation. Many needs and wants are clear. Food = need. Video game = want. Clothing = need. Luxury clothing = want.

Other categories, however, always drum up a lot of debate. One such category is cell phones. Is it a need? Or a want? 10 years ago, the room was split. Having a cell phone was important…..but a need? Today, cell phones receive a near-unanimous vote for the “need” camp. I don’t disagree with this assessment.

The conversation took an interesting twist when we started talking about life in the 90s when cell phones were around, but not used the same as they are today. I explained how I had a cell phone mounted in my car, but I couldn’t carry it around with me. One of the students asked why we didn’t all push more toward having portable cell phones. A very simple question that, in hindsight, seems quite obvious. However, I explained that it just wasn't a thing and we didn’t even think about it as a thing. Who would even need or want a phone in their pocket 24 hours per day!?!? It seemed unfathomable to us back then. Then just a handful of years later, we all carried phones in our pockets.

In hindsight, this all makes sense. It’s like that with a lot of things in life. It’s easy to feel stupid when looking back, thinking about how much we missed the boat on something. A decision we made, the way we lived, something we bought, who we spent time with, a job we took, or even a job we left. It’s so easy to look back with perfect 20/20 vision, but life is anything but clear when we’re in the middle of it. We only know what we know. We have to make the best decision with the information we have at the time, then move on.

Many of us like to play the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. It’s a game we always lose. The odds are stacked against us because we get to judge our prior selves with clarity. It’s an unfair fight! It’s like today’s Lebron James playing 1v1 with his 5th-grade self……It will no doubt be a vicious beating. What’s the answer to this? Two things. First, grace. We need to give ourselves grace when we screw up. We most likely made the best choice with the information we had. Sometimes that goes well, and other times it’s a dumpster fire. It happens. Second, we can learn from it. We will most certainly screw up again in the (near) future, but we can get better each time. Let’s not waste a good mistake.

Always remember, life is lived through the windshield, not the rearview mirror. Have an awesome day!

We Ruin Them Young

Last night at youth group, we opened registrations for the money class I teach each year. This will be the 9th year hosting the class, and we’ve taken 175 high school students through it over the first eight years. Walking alongside these kids is always one of the highlights of my year. One of my favorite parts about the class is a scholarship program we developed in conjunction with it, where students who go through it have the opportunity to apply for a scholarship when they are seniors. To date, we’ve granted $48,000 in scholarships thanks to a number of generous financial partners who have chosen to bless our youth in this way.

After announcing the class, a few students approached me with questions, comments, and stories. I’ve done this long enough to know these stories will be told, but they never cease to amaze me. One student shared that she, at 17 years old, already has a $350/month car payment. Another student shared about her college plans, which will result in more than $100,000 of student loan debt. That’s her number, not mine. That’s a literal number she, her parents, and the college have discussed and somehow have gotten comfortable with. This is for a bachelor’s degree, mind you. Both of these kids, even before exiting minor status, have already made significant, life-altering financial decisions. Rather, I should say their parents allowed them (at best) or encouraged them (at worst) to make these choices.

These young adults don’t know what they don’t know. They are making decisions today that won’t present their true impact until years down the road. These are the scenarios that may someday result in resentment and anger toward their parents. The parents likely mean well, and the kids trust their parents, but I’ve seen this story play out enough times to know where they’re heading. I regularly meet with clients who have to process these situations from earlier in life and hopefully offer forgiveness to their parents. These deep wounds come up meeting, after meeting, after meeting. Many of these parents don’t even know there is deep-seated anger. After all, they were trying to help their kids and sincerely believed they were serving them well.

As I try to close out today’s post, I’m not sure what the takeaway is. Maybe it’s that we adults and parents just need to do better. Whether we have kids or not, there are young people looking at us. What we do and what we say has the potential to make a profound impact on their life. Let’s use that influence for good.