What if Nobody Was Watching?

On the surface, giving has a simple and noble intent: to help people. However, we all know people give gifts (financial and otherwise) with other motives in mind.

Sometimes giving is used as a way to create or maintain control.

Sometimes giving is used to garner favor.

Sometimes giving is used as a virtue signal.

Sometimes giving is used as a public scoreboard.

Sometimes giving is used as an anti-guilt mechanism.

Sometimes giving is used as a tax reduction tool.

Sometimes giving is used as a way to enhance popularity and/or status.

Sometimes giving is used as a way to maintain relationships.

Sometimes giving is used as a tool to gain affirmation.

It's tricky to fully mitigate all the conscious and subconscious ulterior motives we have inside us. Even when we give with the best intent in mind, we can be polluted.

I recognized this about myself early in my giving journey. While I wanted to give for the right reasons, I knew taxes and affirmation were two of my possible triggers. Therefore, I did the only thing I resorted to the only approach I could think of: I made my giving 100% anonymous and undocumentable for tax purposes. I willingly gave up any tax benefits I could have garnered, as the mere opportunity to benefit from my gifts could have easily polluted me. This was an important season in my life. It's where I learned to give for no other reason than to give. There was truly nothing for me to gain.

After that season played out, I began giving more practically and normally. My gifts weren't as anonymous, I documented them for tax purposes, and I was somewhat open with what I was doing. This worked great for many years. Then, something changed again.

About 18 months ago, I felt myself subconsciously altering my giving for ulterior motives. Maybe I was worried about what someone would think of my gift. Was it too big? Too small? Some people commented about who I was giving to, how I was giving to them, and how much I was giving to them. I could feel these influences impacting me.

Was I even giving for the right reasons anymore? Was I giving more to xyz organization because I was scared what they would think if I gave less? As much as I wanted to make my giving pure, there was a likelihood it wasn't. That's when I made a dramatic shift in how I was giving. I took steps to revert my giving back to a more anonymous manner. It takes some creativity to pull this off, but it's been such a detoxifying endeavor. I'm back to feeling like my giving is pure.

I'll probably expound on this more in a future post, but my challenge today is simple. Use creativity to make your giving as impactful, fulfilling, and as pure as possible. You won't always get it right, but when you do, it's beautiful.

The Cost of Status

Do you ever ask yourself why you spend money on x thing? We often buy something because we want it, but why do we want it? It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s not atypical to have multiple reasons to buy something, needs and wants alike. Regardless, it’s important to recognize our true motives. When we do, we make better choices for better reasons. Let’s use a recent real-life example I encountered. Someone wanted to buy a truck. Here’s the breakdown:

• They NEED a different vehicle because their current one is on its last legs.

• They NEED a truck to facilitate the various hauling and transport needs in their life/work.

• They WANT a bigger truck so they can further expand their hauling capabilities.

• They WANT fancy bells and whistles…… because they like fancy bells and whistles.

All this is making sense so far, but there was one more component missing from the list. It was the elephant in the room, which needed to be called out. Despite all the reasons listed above, this missing factor was the biggest emotional driver of the bunch, as well as the one that had the largest impact on the price tag:

• They WANT people to know they are successful.

There’s another name for this: status. Whether it’s consciously or subconsciously done, most of us do certain things in pursuit of status. The brands we wear, the restaurants we dine at, the neighborhoods we live in, the places we travel, the schools we choose, the organizations we belong to……this list keeps going. This particular person cared a LOT about driving a new, top-end model because it was a signal to others that they are successful. This one nuance alone has the potential to drive the price up by $20,000-$30,000.

I’ve worked with many people who spend thousands of dollars per month in the pursuit of status. My job is not to judge them, but rather ask them a few questions:

• Is that what you really want?

• Is it worth it?

• Is there something you’d rather spend this money on?

When we name it head-on and people are real with themselves, most people relent and make different decisions. Some, however, are more than happy to spend on status. Not my personal cup of tea, as I believe bought status moves us away from genuine meaning and fulfillment. But at least they can call a spade a spade. Eyes wide open, properly understanding the why behind the why.

What about you? In what ways do you find yourself consciously or subconsciously buying status?

The Why Behind the Why Behind the Why

When I’m having a conversation with people, especially in a coaching setting, I repeatedly ask the question, “why?” I sound like my 6-year-olds, I know. I find that when “why?” is asked, we continually get closer to the truth.

I was recently meeting with a client who expressed an interest in buying a new house. They already live in a very nice house, in a very nice part of town, in a very solid school district. This intrigued me, so I started the process of unearthing the truth:

“Why?”…..”We need something bigger to comfortably fit our family.” They already have a 4-bedroom house and they are pregnant with their second child. I knew we weren’t deep enough yet.

“Why?”…..”We also want to be in a safer neighborhood.” They already live in a notoriously safe neighborhood in a notoriously safe town. We still weren’t there.

“Why?”…..”We’ll enjoy living in the new house more than our current house.” Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. We still needed to go deeper.

“Why?” This is the part where I was expecting them to go down the material side of things. After all, that pool and theater room were indeed pretty sweet!!! “Because we earned it.” Oh, now we’re cooking!

With the fourth “why?”, we finally broke through and the truth was approaching. After a few minutes, it was revealed that the husband’s father had always equated one’s success with their house. People who had bigger, nicer houses were obviously more successful. Therefore, buying a better house would be an external symbol of how successful they had become. That was their real “why.”

My role here wasn’t to criticize their prospective decision to buy this house, but rather for them to understand their true motives and be honest about it…..then make the best decision for their family. This was a profound discussion for them and provided an opportunity for self-reflection and introspection.

They eventually decided to purchase a different house, but armed with new insights about why they were really doing it, they ended up purchasing a different house. I think they won. We always win when we understand the why behind the why behind the why.