"I Can't Believe This Is My Life"

"I can't believe this is my life," exclaimed a very frustrated, scared, and defeated wife, with tears in her eyes. It was about four years ago, and I was sitting in a conference room with a husband and wife who felt hopeless and helpless. They had made several poor financial decisions over the years, and the cumulative effect was starting to add up. They felt trapped in their jobs, suffocating in bills, and feeling like the walls were closing in. They were living a nightmare. In many ways, they were living the American dream, but in others, it felt like anything but. They had a bunch of debt, their monthly expenses were high, they had very little communication about money in their relationship, they had no real plan, and every month felt like a financial waste. They were running hard, but getting nowhere fast. Each month, they became progressively more scared about their finances, future, and marriage.

Fast forward to the present day. We're sitting in the same conference room, in the same seats. The wife, again with tears in her eyes, exclaims, "I can't believe this is my life." Except this time, they were tears of joy. In hindsight, that terrible meeting four years ago was a turning point in their journey. In that meeting, they decided to change how they view and handle money. They took a painful and daunting situation, and slowly (but surely) shifted it in a different direction. They committed to meaning over money, which felt like an odd approach considering money was the only thing that would solve their money problem. But that's the beauty of this approach to life. Choosing meaning transforms the relationship we have with the money already coming into our bank account. We can gain more intentionality, a clearer focus, and align those dollars with what matters most.

The journey started slow. Failure came knocking in those early months, but they kept going. Once they started making progress, it felt like a crawl. But even a crawl is better than standing still. Over time, they felt more confident and convicted in their plan. They started communicating better, and this money stuff brought them together in marriage (instead of tearing them at the seams). Then eventually, their progress accelerated more and more. Today, they are living their dream lives. There's a confidence and a clarity that follows them into the room. They are truly blessed.

"I can't believe this is my life".....x2. The first time, it was a tragedy. The second time, it was a miracle. They would be the first to tell you they aren't special. Nothing they did was sophisticated or complex. They didn't receive any windfalls. They got intentional, made it simple, did it together, failed themselves forward, and kept going.

If this speaks to you, I want you to know two things: 1) You can do it, and 2) it's worth it!

Following a Budget Goes Both Ways

I received a text from my wife yesterday afternoon. "What do you want to do for dinner?" Knowing it was a Friday and the last day of the month, I immediately opened my budgeting app to see if we had any dining out money left. $76!!! I guess that's what happens when we're gone for half the month. Knowing we had a nice chunk of change remaining, we made a family date night out of it. We walked to a local pizza restaurant, then to a nearby ice cream shop. We had a blast!

There's a massive misunderstanding about budgeting. Budgeting it's about spending less.....it's about spending better. Yes, budgeting well keeps us from overspending. But it goes both ways! Budgeting, when done healthily, also prevents us from underspending. Spending better means being intentional, spending on our values, and removing negative emotions such as guilt, resentment, fear, and worry.

Many people would look at that extra $72 and proclaim it a win. Yay, we came in under budget!!!! But Sarah and I negotiated our budget at the beginning of the month, and we promised each other this was what we would spend money on. Us going out for a fun night was our way of honoring what we promised ourselves and each other. Just like we promised to pay our rent and life insurance, we promised to spend this money on dining out. It has to go both ways. We can't use a budget to only prevent us from having too much fun.....it also needs to encourage us to have fun. It's a tool to align our money with our values. And last night, our values pointed toward spending intentional time with the boys, creating memories, and enjoying some tasty food together.

The moment we treat budgeting like a one-way, fun-hating tool of cheapness and saving (er, hoarding), is the moment budgeting completely sucks. When that occurs, we start treating our life like a giant game of let's-try-to-live-like-broke-college-students-so-one-day-we'll-have-even-more. You know the problem with more, right? Every time we get more, more is still more.

There's a better way, and the better way is to have it both ways. Let the budget prevent us from coming off the rails AND let the budget force us to do the fun things we promised ourselves we would do. If more people viewed and handled money this way, budgeting may no longer be a four-letter word in most marriages.

Here’s the plan:

1. Make a budget on or around the first of the month.

2. Make sure your budget aligns with your values.

3. Do what you said you were going to do.

4. Track it.

5. Have fun!

6. Repeat.

If you follow these six simple steps, I promise you’ll find more joy, more peace, more intentionality, more unity, and more progress. Have a great day!

Losing Together

Here’s the scenario. We have a married couple, with combined finances, and a shared vision. By all accounts, this is an amazing couple. They love each other deeply and genuinely love being married to one another. In the course of living life, one spouse makes a financial mistake. I’m not talking about buying a jar of chunky peanut butter when your spouse wanted creamy. I’m talking about a mistake that will inevitably cost the family nearly $1,000.

This recently played out with one of my clients. It’s not an uncommon scenario, though. Life moves fast and we make hundreds of decisions each day…..often under stress, unknowns, and time constraints. There are a lot of ways this type of situation can play out, but here’s how it often does. The mistake-making spouse, out of a feeling of guilt and obligation, chooses to personally eat this cost. For a family that practices the use of personal spending, this individual will elect to pay for it out of their personal spending (either upfront or over time). The other spouse, also possibly upset about the situation, is more than happy to let the other person eat it. After all, it is their fault, and they should pay for their mistake.

It’s easy to go down that route, but I can tell you with utmost certainty, that it’s a toxic way to handle it. I would know because Sarah and I have done it…..multiple times. However, at some point in the journey, I realized we were missing the point. We should win together AND lose together. When one of us succeeds, we both succeed. If that’s true, then when one of us fails, we both should fail…..together. It’s not about keeping score, punishing the other spouse, or being vindictive. It should be about rallying around each other, taking care of business, learning a valuable lesson, and putting it in the rear-view mirror.

Coincidentally, we had a terrible (but fun) moment in our house yesterday. I opened the mail to find a $100 speeding ticket triggered by an automated speed camera. After examining the facts of the matter, I realized it was clearly Sarah who is the criminal. She was visibly upset when I told her about it, but her go-to response WASN’T to immediately try to eat it herself. Instead, she asked when it’s due and started pondering where it will come from in the budget. I’m frustrated with her, and she feels guilty, but we’ll eat it together and quickly put it in the rearview mirror. That’s how it should work.

It won’t be her last mistake, and unfortunately, I’ll probably make my fair share as well. We’ll continue losing together, and hopefully, you do, too.

Celebration of Generosity Reflections

Wow, it was an amazing three days at the Celebration of Generosity Conference. I got home around midnight last night, exhausted, fulfilled, and content. It was my first time attending this event, and I had no idea what to expect. Between the wonderful talks, the powerful testimonies, and the discussions I shared with fellow attendees, I was deeply moved. I’ve spent a lot of time processing what I experienced. Knowing me, there’s a high likelihood that I could quickly get swept back into life in the hours or days to come. I don’t want to let this opportunity pass me by. Therefore, I’m going to share with you my top 10 takeaways and next steps for myself. Partly for accountability, but partly to give you something to ponder about your own generosity journey. Whenever I refer to “our/we”, that’s me referring to Sarah and me.

1. Despite our margin already being somewhat tight, we need to challenge ourselves to increase our monthly giving. We’re already giving sacrificially and joyfully, but there’s more sacrifice to be had.

2. There are a few organizations in our life that need to get a lump-sum gift, ASAP.

3. I’m more convinced now than ever that we need to set up a DAF (donor-advised fund). This has been on my to-do list for years, but I just haven’t followed through. Some of the discussions I had on the trip reminded me of how much good this will bring into our life (probably something to discuss in a future blog post). We started this process with NCF a while back, and plan to close the loop on this ASAP.

4. I need to do a better job at bringing others along for the journey with me, Sarah included. In my efforts to remain anonymous in our giving, we do it in a bit of a silo and lose out on an opportunity to rally others.

5. I need to double down on creating more content (written, audio, and video) about generosity. We haven’t even scratched the surface yet.

6. We need to ramp up the intentionality and frequency of Sarah and me having generosity meetings. We’ve gotten lax over the past few years. We have a giving plan in place, but it’s largely set to auto-pilot and we rarely discuss it intentionally.

7. As Christians, we’re already weird (i.e. counter-cultural). If that’s true, why not lean in and ramp up the weirdness when it comes to radical generosity?

8. Though we have intentionality with our kids when it comes to money and giving, we need to double down on our efforts to model generosity. Not in what we say, but by inviting them into the doing with us. This trip spurred many ideas I’m excited to explore.

9. As a Christian, I have a high level of faith and trust that God will provide. I feel like I followed the call in who I serve and how I serve them in my business. Though the trust and faith remain intact, I think I’ve tried to take back control over the years. It’s time to reverse that approach.

10. I’m more convicted now than ever that we made the right choices with our generosity journey and my career transition. There’s a purpose to all this. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

There you have it! Those are my top 10 takeaways. Unfortunately, Sarah will probably learn about them from the blog before she and I have a chance to discuss in person. Sarah, I’m sorry and you’re welcome!

Did anything I said above trigger any thoughts, ideas, or questions? If so, I’d love to hear from you! Hit reply or leave a comment. Have an awesome day!

Knowing When to Walk Away

As you probably know, I love Mondays. Mondays are my favorite day of the week. I’m coming off a fun weekend where I played with the kids, probably watched some sports, stayed up too late, and made some fun memories. And my reward? I get to wake up at the start of a new week, with endless possibilities in front of me, knowing I have five days to do good work and make a difference in this world. Sincerely, Monday mornings are the best!

Last night, I was chatting with Sarah on the couch. We talked about summer plans, current events, and happenings at church and work. As that conversation came to an end, I asked her for a blog idea for today’s post. She referred to my love of Mondays, then said I should do a post about “knowing when to walk away” when it comes to work. I asked her to elaborate, so she listed off a few thoughts:

• Being present with family

• Setting healthy boundaries with work hours

• Taking time to enjoy relaxing things

• Not bringing work home

Can we just pretend Sarah was referring to people in general and not specifically to me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. She’s right. She knows she’s right and I know she’s right. I struggle with this a lot. In my prior career, I brought home a lot of stress and carried it with me. In my current career, I carry with me an ever-present desire to do more good work. I absolutely love what I do……and sometimes, without proper boundaries, that can be a problem.

Sometimes I get this right, but often I don’t. I never realized there was a shadow side to loving your work. It shouldn’t be something to be scared of, though. Rather, it’s something to harness, be aware of, and approach with intentionality. We aren’t magically going to get it 100% right, but we can get 1% better each day. Day by day, situation by situation.

Sarah likely wouldn’t have suggested this topic if she thought I was doing a wonderful job, so I still have my work cut out for me. On the bright side, I’d rather have this problem than carry stress, dread, and misery with me every day. What say you?

Just Use Meth Responsibly

Heroin is absolutely terrible! It’s addictive and quickly leads to negative consequences in all areas of our life. It impacts our health, marriage, work, and overall well-being. It’s responsible for many bad choices, ruined marriages, and broken families. Using it seems fine for a while, sometimes even fun, but then an unexpected moment happens where it quickly becomes a nightmare. Our life can go from relatively normal to absolute devastation in a matter of months. Its destructive qualities are profound.

None of this would be a problem if you would just use it responsibly, dummy! Yeah, I know it’s killing millions of people and marriages, but that’s not my responsibility. People just need to use it the right way. They get what they deserve if they decide to abuse it. Yeah, there are risks in using it, but the positives far outweigh the negatives. Everyone uses it, so of course I’m going to use it. It’s normal. We just need to do a better job teaching people how to use it properly. Just don’t be stupid with it! You’re an idiot if you don’t use it.

That sounds absolutely absurd, doesn’t it? Now, replace “meth” with “credit cards” and re-read the two paragraphs above. It still sounds absurd to me. We need to end the madness. Will you help me end the madness? Together, we can help shift this insane culture for the next generation.

The Why Behind the Why Behind the Why

When I’m having a conversation with people, especially in a coaching setting, I repeatedly ask the question, “why?” I sound like my 6-year-olds, I know. I find that when “why?” is asked, we continually get closer to the truth.

I was recently meeting with a client who expressed an interest in buying a new house. They already live in a very nice house, in a very nice part of town, in a very solid school district. This intrigued me, so I started the process of unearthing the truth:

“Why?”…..”We need something bigger to comfortably fit our family.” They already have a 4-bedroom house and they are pregnant with their second child. I knew we weren’t deep enough yet.

“Why?”…..”We also want to be in a safer neighborhood.” They already live in a notoriously safe neighborhood in a notoriously safe town. We still weren’t there.

“Why?”…..”We’ll enjoy living in the new house more than our current house.” Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. We still needed to go deeper.

“Why?” This is the part where I was expecting them to go down the material side of things. After all, that pool and theater room were indeed pretty sweet!!! “Because we earned it.” Oh, now we’re cooking!

With the fourth “why?”, we finally broke through and the truth was approaching. After a few minutes, it was revealed that the husband’s father had always equated one’s success with their house. People who had bigger, nicer houses were obviously more successful. Therefore, buying a better house would be an external symbol of how successful they had become. That was their real “why.”

My role here wasn’t to criticize their prospective decision to buy this house, but rather for them to understand their true motives and be honest about it…..then make the best decision for their family. This was a profound discussion for them and provided an opportunity for self-reflection and introspection.

They eventually decided to purchase a different house, but armed with new insights about why they were really doing it, they ended up purchasing a different house. I think they won. We always win when we understand the why behind the why behind the why.

Give Away All the Fruit Snacks

A while back, my 5-year-old son, Pax, came into the house and asked Sarah if he could get a package of fruit snacks for himself and also give one to his neighbor friend. Sarah immediately said yes, and that was that. A bit later, Pax comes tearing through the house, grabs another package of fruit snacks, and starts to run out the door. Sarah asked what he was doing, and he said he was getting one for another neighbor friend. Sarah, focusing primarily on the thought of how this will further erode our quickly dwindling grocery inventory (#growingboys), admonished Pax and said he shouldn’t be giving away more fruit snacks.

First, I need to clarify something: Sarah is a generous person with a loving heart. But in this situation, she viewed it as more of a grocery situation than a giving situation. When I got home and she told me this story, I felt terrible for Pax. All these years, we continually talk about giving, giving, and more giving. It’s one of the primary values of our family and we discuss it frequently. Then once he has an opportunity to put these ideas into practice, he gets in trouble for it. Ouch! After discussing this with Sarah, she agreed with my perspective and felt bad for how she handled herself.

I pulled Pax aside and said, “hey man, I heard you gave away two packages of fruit snacks to your friends!” He looked at me sheepishly, as if he’d done something wrong, and nodded his head up and down. I quickly explained to him how Mom didn’t mean it that way, and he indeed did a very good thing. I told him I’d be extremely proud of him if he decided to give away all the fruit snacks. We can never be too generous, and his decision to get a second package of fruit snacks was a sign of love (not neglegence). After a few minutes, his spirits were lifted. He confidently walked into the pantry, grabbed a handful of fruit snacks, and took them out to the other neighbor kids who had since joined the game.

Two lessons:

1) The words and actions shared with our kids make far more impact than we’d like to admit. It can be a humbling journey as a parent.

2) You can never give away too many fruit snacks!