Sunday at 4PM

We got home last night from a 5-day camping trip in the Black Hills. It was a great trip, filled with new experiences, shared memories, and tasty food. It was a long drive home, but it went as smoothly as an 11-hour journey with two six-year-old boys can go. I spent much of the drive home thinking about my week ahead. No, not dreading it. Instead, I couldn't have been more excited. We have some huge things in store at Northern Vessel this week, I have lots of awesome coaching sessions on the books, I'm meeting with some interesting people, and I have a bunch of meaningful content to produce. It's a wild feeling when you're on the way home from vacation, excited about what's waiting for you when you return.

As I'm typing this, I recognize this isn't the case for most people. And by most, I mean most. Statistically, 4:00 PM on Sunday afternoon is the most depressing hour of the week. The weekend has largely passed, and we shift our attention to what's waiting for us on Monday morning. Have you ever felt the Monday dread creep in on Sunday afternoon/evening? I've had lots of those days! It's the worst feeling! So when I rave about how excited I am about Mondays, it doesn't come from a place of naivety or lack of perspective. I know all too well what people are feeling on Sundays......and it sucks! I think people deserve better than to fall into the statistic of the most depressing hour of the week.

So as you're reading this, ask yourself how you felt last Sunday afternoon/evening. Did you look forward to what was coming in the week ahead? Or did you feel some level of dread? The answer to that question may be telling. I'm not telling you what to do, but I want you to know what's possible. There IS a reality where Mondays are amazing. There IS a reality where you're just as excited to get back from vacation as you were to leave for it. There IS a reality where not only is Sunday at 4:00 PM not the most depressing hour of your week, but one of the best hours of your week.

That reality lives on the other side of some tough decisions.

Standard of Living vs. Quality of Life

One of my friends recently decided to downgrade his living situation. It was a difficult and humbling decision, but the right one for his current stage of life. In our discussion, he lamented how it's going to be hard having a lower standard of living. Reading between the lines, I could tell what he was really saying was that his life would inevitably become worse as a result of this decision. Embedded in his perspective is the belief that a higher standard of living increases happiness and a lower standard of living decreases happiness. While culture generally believes this to be true, I couldn't disagree more.

I think we're talking about two separate topics here: standard of living and quality of life. They are not the same!

Standard of living: "the degree of wealth and material comfort available to a person or community."

Quality of life: "the standard of health, comfort, and happiness experienced by an individual or group."

Sure, a higher standard of living can increase one's quality of life. If it's 90 degrees outside, having AC (vs. not having AC) leads to both a higher standard of living and quality of life. This is a true statement. Let's add a wrinkle. Let's say the introduction of AC requires the individual to take on a large loan with $400 monthly payments. Yes, the AC still cools the air and increases the standard of living, but did it improve the quality of life? This is where the rubber meets the road. There's a cost to every benefit. In this hypothetical, the person needs to give up something to increase their standard of living. Maybe they will give up their dining out, or their ability to buy clothes, or a trip they've been saving for, or they need to trade more of their time for additional income.

This tension point is where my friend is on his journey. The cost of his high standard of living is impairing his quality of life. He's had to make dramatic sacrifices in other areas of his life and endure undue stress just to maintain his higher standard of living, resulting in a lower quality of life.

Conversely, my current life is a reflection of the opposite. Today, I have one of the lowest standards of living in my 20-year adult life, but the highest quality of life in my 20-year journey. Our financial life is simple. We live in a simple house (which we rent), we drive simple cars, and we have simple monthly wants. This structure opens up the doors for us to travel as we please, give generously, say "yes" to weird things, and engage in work that matters. Standard of living and quality of life are correlated, but often inversely, ironically.

As you think about your situation, take an inventory of the various aspects of your life that enhance your standard of living, and ask yourself if they increase your quality of life. You might be surprised by the answers.

“I Couldn’t Say No”

Me: “What’s new in your world?”

Them: “I got a new job!”

Me: “I thought you loved your old job.”

Them: “I did, but I got a $20,000 raise with this new job.”

Me: “That’s cool. Do you like the new job?”

Them: “No, not at all. But it was a $20,000 increase. I couldn’t say no.”

This was the beginning of what became a 30-minute conversation about their new job. In short, the job sucked. After all, they left a job that meant a lot to them. They believed in the company’s mission, they had developed many strong relationships, and they were doing the exact work they wanted to do in their career. But they left! Dumbfounded, brought the conversation back around to this idea of leaving their meaningful job for something they knew would be a worse fit. I asked a simple, but dumb question, “How much is your happiness worth?” It was clear they, too, thought this was a dumb question. “There’s no price tag for my happiness…..it doesn’t seem like something I could put a price on.” Yet, they just knowingly sold their happiness for $20,000. $20,000!?!? It’s safe to say they disagreed with my assessment of the situation. The conversation eventually moved on to something far less controversial and emotionally-charged……politics.

About 6 months later, this same person asked me to lunch. I was excited to catch up, but I quickly found out they had a very specific agenda in mind. They were absolutely miserable. The job sucked, they were stressed, getting sick more often, and their marriage was struggling. Needless to say, this whole trade-happiness-for-$20,000-per-year experiment wasn’t working out so well. They knew they had to do something, but weren’t sure what. We talked about aspirations, options, and possible next steps.

Fast forward several months, and this person has moved on to a different job. A job that better suits their skills, passions, and lifestyle. It pays a decent amount less, but they report a ton of happiness and fulfillment. There’s far less stress at home, they look forward to going to work each morning, and they have enough money to live a respectable life. In my book, they are winners. It’s a counter-cultural way to live, but it’s so, so worth it. Meaning over money…..always meaning over money.

It's a Tell

Today is my first day back at work in 11 days. I really enjoyed our trip to SE Asia and the Middle East, but I couldn’t be more excited to get back to work. For me, this strong feeling of excitement is just normal…..I always feel it. But at the same time, I recognize this is an abnormal feeling for most. Statistics show that 70% of Americans dislike or hate their job. With this information in tow, vacations act as an escape from the realities of life. We travel, in part, so we can leave. We get to step away from our responsibilities, work, boss, coworkers, deadlines, and routine. For a short period of time, we get to rewrite our journey. There’s only one problem: the trip will eventually end and we must return home to our life.

There comes a moment on our vacation when we realize it’s coming to an and we start thinking about everything on our plate when we go back home. For many, this often comes on the second-to-last day of a trip. You know the moment! How we feel in this moment is a tell, as I like to say. For some, it provides a feeling of dread. We’re disgusted by the mere idea of going back and doing the things we know we have to do. For others, it feels like a weight added to our shoulders. For countless people, there’s a feeling of numbness, a deadened feeling after so many years of frustration and disappointment. Then for a small group, there’s an overwhelming feeling of excitement. There’s pent-up energy, new ideas, and a sense of possibility of what could come in the days/weeks ahead.

I, and many others, live in the last camp. As I sit here with a fresh work week in front of me, I can’t help but smile about all the potential just waiting to be seized. The trip was amazing, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I’m ready and excited to get back to work. That’s a tell. It’s a clear sign I’m exactly where I need to be. I haven’t always had this feeling, but I do today. One of my missions is to always be living a life I’m excited to return to after an amazing vacation. That’s the tell.

What does your tell say about you and the life you’ve created for yourself? Whatever the answer is, I have good news. You’re just a few decisions away, good or bad, from significantly altering how you feel about this question. Have an awesome week!

Busyness and Happiness: Round 2

One of my favorite parts about writing this daily blog is the slew of messages I wake up to each morning from readers. Some thank me for the content, others disagree with my points, and many provide their own perspective. A few days ago, I wrote about the connection between busyness and happiness. My new friend, Randy, shared some thoughts about the topic via e-mail. While technology can be used to isolate people and do harm, it also has the power to bring people together like at no other time in history. I met Randy through this blog and I’ve learned so much from him through our many e-mail interactions. Randy, I’m grateful for you!

Randy’s first point to me: If we fill our lives with things that provide meaning, it creates joy and energizes us rather than deplete us. I’ve thought a lot about this since his e-mail hit my inbox. This is indeed true in my life. Even when I’m on the busier side of the spectrum, if the busyness comes from intentionally meaningful things, it does energize me and provides so much joy. It’s those days/weeks when my schedule is filled with less-than-meaningful things where I feel burned out.

Randy’s second point: if we want something done, ask a busy person, as they know where their free time is. Randy recognizes this one can be a double-edged sword, but it’s so true at its heart. Busy people tend to be the ones who get things done. On one hand, we don’t want to put a new responsibility on someone’s already-busy shoulders. On the other hand, it’s not our job to be their gatekeeper. The opportunity at hand may be just what they are looking for. It’s not our job to pre-judge it or make the decision for them. How many potentially world-changing things don’t exist today because someone pre-judged the other person’s decision and robbed them of an opportunity to say “yes”? I’ve experienced both sides of this. I’ve had people make my decision for me by withholding an opportunity that could have been powerful. I’ve also had people present something to me with, "I know you’re busy, but……”, then it led to something that positively changed my life forever.

Like most things in life, work, and money, this stuff isn’t black and white. If it were, it would be boring! Instead, we’re left with a world of possibilities and a lifetime to figure it out. While we do, it’s a pleasure to have people like Randy to journey with. Have a wonderful day, everyone!

Busyness and Happiness

As I was scrolling Facebook yesterday, I stumbled upon the words of my wise friend, Erin. “Don't confuse being BUSY with being HAPPY, and being HAPPY with being BUSY.” I think about this topic often, Not only do I agree with Erin, but I would argue there’s a inverse correlation. Based on my personal experience, and watching others, our happiness seems to be hindered as we get busier and busier. I feel like my life is one big endeavor to de-busy myself on the heels of busying myself. I never feel more meaning when I’m busier. Rather, when I’m busier, I feel more stress, pressure, fatigue, and overwhelmingness. I do a terrible job managing busyness during the work week, and a fantastic job managing it on the weekends. It feels like a life of extremes and contradictions.

When I’m living with peak meaning and happiness, it’s usually when I’m intentional with my “yes’s” and “no’s”, being mindful of my schedule, leaning into things that truly add value to my family’s life, and pulling away from everything else. To be honest, I think I get it right maybe 10% of the time. But that’s far better than the 0%-1% I used to get it right.

I don’t have answers today. Instead, I’m a work in progress. Most days, I feel like a mess. I’m going to leave you with a great little piece of advice I once heard from the great Jon Acuff. If someone asks you to do something down the road (one week, one month, one year from now), first ask yourself if you would say yes to it if it were tomorrow. If the answer is “no”, then you need to say “no”, as eventually it will be tomorrow. This advice has revolutionized my decision-making process.

Hope you have an awesome, not busy day!

Even Mrs. Claus Fell For It!

One of my favorite holiday activities is to watch Christmas movies with the kids. We watch all the usual suspects. Home Alone (just the first two, of course), Elf, Christmas Story, Rudolph, Frosty, and of course the Santa Clause series. After watching the three Santa Clause movies (though 2 and 3 are very suspect and I question how they made the permanent rotation), we decided to check out the new Santa Clause series on Disney Plus.

It’s been 28 years since Tim Allen negligently murdered the previous Santa and first put on the oversized pants and jacket. A lot of life has happened in those 28 years. The first episode opens with Santa doing his normal Christmas Eve toy delivery rounds, though it was a less-than-perfect experience. On the heels of his big night, he’s debriefing with Mrs. Claus. It was during this exchange a little piece of me died. We’re at the 14:30 mark in the opening episode:

Santa: *Explaining the bad things he experienced and how it was weird and concerning*

Mrs. Claus: “It happens”

Santa: “It happens!?!? How many Santas do you know? It never happend to me.”

Mrs. Claus: “I’m just saying that you’re 65 and this is when people your age slow down, they start to enjoy their lives, they retire.”

Wait, what!?!? Did Mrs. Claus just say Santa should start “enjoying life” and suggest the way for that to happen is to retire? He’s freaking Santa Claus!!! He has the best career on the planet. He lives in a majestic snow-covered village, aided by an army of elves, eating unlimited quantities of baked goods and perfect hot chocolate, waking up every day to put smiles on millions of children’s faces! And he needs to retire so he can enjoy life? At 65, he has a solid 15-20 years left in him. The best years of his career are still in front of him!

Even Mrs. Claus fell for our culture’s toxic perspective of work. Deep within our culture is narrative that work = bad…..and conversely, not working = good. We work because we have to. A necessary evil of sorts. A means to an end. I don’t think this could be further from the truth.

If done well, and for the right reasons, work should provide so much fulfillment and meaning. Using our passions and gifts to add value to society. Being productive, creating impact, serving others. ALL work can play this role, but for most, it doesn’t. Studies show 70% of Americans dislike or hate their jobs. This is a modern day tragedy.

Hating our work is a natural outcome if we view our work as a necessary evil and a bridge between our crappy life today and the “slow down and finally enjoy life” tomorrow. What if I told you we can have our cake and eat it, too? We can wake up each day excited for the good work we’re about to do (i.e. enjoying life) and someday when we can no longer work, we enjoy that life as well. Our enjoyment of life isn’t found in a bank account, the possessions we own, the dwelling we live in, or perpetual leisure. It goes so much deeper…..and good work plays a vital role.

Mrs. Claus fell for it, and so too are millions more.

Relationships Over Riches

In my public speaking, a common thread I like to pull is one revolving around the science of happiness. Specifically, the decades of research conducted to figure out if money makes us happy. It does, and it doesn’t. It does……until our basic needs are met (plus a little more). Then, additional money doesn’t make us much happier. There’s more to unpack here in a future post, but I want to get to the next part of what I share in my public talks.

If money doesn’t make us happy, what does? Behavioral scientists have found several things that help drive happiness in ways money cannot. Towards the top of the list is genuine relationships. You know, the real deal, be honest with each other, support one another through thick and thin, accept each other even if we disagree type of relationships. Science shows those types of relationships significantly drive happiness.

Last night, I attended the wedding of a dear friend. Her name is Megan. I met Megan shortly after she turned 15 years old. She was a youth group kid and I was one of her leaders. To this day, I still can’t put my finger on why she and I connected so well. I was there when she got her license, when she started dating her first boyfriend, when she won the state basketball championship, when she welcomed my twin babies as if they were her own flesh and blood, when she graduated high school, when she started her student teaching, when she graduated from college, when she got her first adult job, and when she met the man she would soon call her husband. We’ve been through a lot together!

Today, she’s my close friend and my little sister. And her husband? His name is Collin and he’s like a brother to me as well. As I was sitting in the banquet hall last night, I couldn’t help but look around and think about how important so many of those people in the room are to me…..and to Megan and Collin. These people have deeply impacted my life in so many ways. It’s moments like this when I’m quickly reminded how meaningless so many of life’s “important” things are. If someone put a gun to my head, I’d take my people over all the trappings this life has to offer.

Collin and Megan, I love you and I’m proud of you!

My people, you know who you are! Thank you. You make life worth living, and you are worth far more to me than the riches of this planet can provide.