Pulling Apart vs. Bringing Together

I love business travel. Since my first opportunity to travel for work (Denver in August 2005), I've loved it. In the front half of my career, the travel was primarily domestic (NYC leads the way with 24 trips, followed by South Florida with nine, and Los Angeles with eight). In the last eight years, it's been more international (mainly Middle East and SE Asia).

There's so much to love about travel, business or otherwise. Seeing new sights, experiencing different cultures, meeting unique people, staying in interesting hotels, and learning something new about yourself. I always love the trips.

Along the way, I learned a few particular people don't always love the trips: two little boys. They don't ask much of me.....just 100% of my attention 100% of the time. No big deal....haha!!

Business travel always felt like a positive for me.....until one particular trip. It was September 2018. I was throwing the final few items in my bag before heading to the airport. I was flying to the Middle East and would be gone for nine days. Though Sarah was supportive of this trip, I could see the stress and nervousness in her eyes. Not because I was heading to the Middle East, but rather the stress of caring for twin two-year-olds for more than a week without me being around. To top off the moment, this particular day was Finn and Pax's second birthday....ouch!

I've been mindful and intentional about my trips since that experience. I still enjoy them as much as ever, but it's always hard to leave the family. After some of these experiences, I realized a shift needed to happen. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, two consecutive events transformed my relationship with business travel: I left my prior career, and COVID shut down our world.

As my new career started to grow and the world opened back up, I finally had my opportunity to put my money where my mouth was. If business travel had historically pulled our family apart, was there a way to use the same business travel to bring it together? It was an interesting experiment, but I was up for the challenge.

We tested this idea by bringing the entire family to Los Angeles earlier in the summer. Not only were we able to create some amazing memories (Disney, beach, food, more beach), but they were also present for some of my work. Sarah attended one of my talks and also watched me deliver a sermon at a church.

This week, we're trying it again. I'm spending the next eight days with a client in Midland, TX. Instead of being absent from my family for the home stretch leading up to school starting, we're using this opportunity for one last family summer adventure.

I don't know how this experiment will play out in the long run, but I'm excited to find out. I hope it provides meaningful work, tons of new memories, and brings us all together in powerful new ways.

Take a Breather, Then Get Back In the Game!

Last night, our family returned from our annual lake trip. Lots of pool time, too many good eats, and countless memories filled our time together. While I always look forward to this trip, I'm equally excited to return.

While I absolutely love these family trips, I think context is important. For many, vacations are an opportunity to temporarily escape the rigors of life. Considering 70% of Americans either dislike or hate their job, I suspect more people than not can relate to this concept. Vacations and time off allow us to receive temporary relief from a day-to-day, week-to-week grind that simply wears us down. I can relate to this feeling, though it's getting further in my rearview mirror.

These days, my family vacations feel entirely different. I'm not escaping anything, because I love my day-to-day, week-to-week life. Instead, my family vacations offer me the opportunity to take a breather. It's a time to catch my breath, get my bearings straight, and regain my focus, so I can jump back into the game with fresh legs. I look forward to the break, but I'm just as excited to get back on the court as I was to get some rest.

I couldn't be more excited to get back to work next week. Lots of good things are in store. People to serve, impact to make, content to create, concepts to launch. But the breaks are important. If we're not able to catch our breath, we aren't able to give our good work everything it deserves. While I don't feel fully rested (traveling with two six-year-olds....), I have a renewed focus and excitement for what's about to happen.

Can you relate? If so, that's so amazing. If not, just know that reality does exist. You don't have to pursue it, but just know it's out there. A life where we look forward to returning to everyday life as much as we look forward to our vacations. It's beautiful.

The Psychology of Mountain Coasters

The other day, I took my kids to a place called Rush Mountain Adventure Park. It’s a great little place tucked just outside of Keystone, SD. It features a handful of attractions, but none greater than the mountain coaster. It’s less of a coaster and more of a toboggan ride…..but it’s wonderful!

I’m a sucker for behavioral science, especially when it has to do with money and work. Rush Mountain also apparently loves behavioral science as well, as they greatly use it to their advantage. When we arrived, the goal was to take the kids down the coaster once, plus maybe throw in a giant zip line ride. The mountain coaster was $20/ride, and I believe the zip line was $15/ride. In that moment, I decided to buy one ticket for each…..so $35 per person. Certainly not cheap, but it looked like a fun experience to share with my kids. This is when the behavioral science part kicked in. The woman at the counter pointed out that we could get a 24-hour, unlimited ride pass for $62 each. I didn’t plan on spending $62/person for this experience, but $62 for unlimited rides sounded a lot better than $35 for two rides. Rush Mountain won! They doubled the amount they got from me. I won, too! Finn and I ended up going down the mountain coaster five times together, plus the zip line once, and the interactive 4-D shooter game twice. What they did wasn’t a scam or taking advantage of me, but rather using behavioral science to create an opportunity where both parties benefited. They could double the revenue generated from my family, and in turn, we enhanced our experience there. I didn’t have to take that option, but I chose it…..and I’m glad I did! We had a wonderful time and created a ton of memories.

Whether we’re on the business side or the consumer side, we need to be aware of these behavioral science tricks. These are the same principles at play when we can up the size of our fries or drink, or when there are add-on options when we go to the salon or spa, or how different products offer an assortment of progressively fancier versions (hello, iPhone!). Again, none of these are immoral or wrong. If we’re keen on what companies are doing and how they are utilizing behavioral science in their pricing and offering, we can use it to our advantage instead of being swept up in the moment. That self-awareness can be the difference between making a decision we’ll later regret or making a decision that adds value to our journey. I’m sure I’ve been bitten by this before, but this particular decision added a ton of value to our family.

What’s one version of behavioral science being used at one of the businesses you frequent? I’d love to hear your examples!

Following a Budget Goes Both Ways

I received a text from my wife yesterday afternoon. "What do you want to do for dinner?" Knowing it was a Friday and the last day of the month, I immediately opened my budgeting app to see if we had any dining out money left. $76!!! I guess that's what happens when we're gone for half the month. Knowing we had a nice chunk of change remaining, we made a family date night out of it. We walked to a local pizza restaurant, then to a nearby ice cream shop. We had a blast!

There's a massive misunderstanding about budgeting. Budgeting it's about spending less.....it's about spending better. Yes, budgeting well keeps us from overspending. But it goes both ways! Budgeting, when done healthily, also prevents us from underspending. Spending better means being intentional, spending on our values, and removing negative emotions such as guilt, resentment, fear, and worry.

Many people would look at that extra $72 and proclaim it a win. Yay, we came in under budget!!!! But Sarah and I negotiated our budget at the beginning of the month, and we promised each other this was what we would spend money on. Us going out for a fun night was our way of honoring what we promised ourselves and each other. Just like we promised to pay our rent and life insurance, we promised to spend this money on dining out. It has to go both ways. We can't use a budget to only prevent us from having too much fun.....it also needs to encourage us to have fun. It's a tool to align our money with our values. And last night, our values pointed toward spending intentional time with the boys, creating memories, and enjoying some tasty food together.

The moment we treat budgeting like a one-way, fun-hating tool of cheapness and saving (er, hoarding), is the moment budgeting completely sucks. When that occurs, we start treating our life like a giant game of let's-try-to-live-like-broke-college-students-so-one-day-we'll-have-even-more. You know the problem with more, right? Every time we get more, more is still more.

There's a better way, and the better way is to have it both ways. Let the budget prevent us from coming off the rails AND let the budget force us to do the fun things we promised ourselves we would do. If more people viewed and handled money this way, budgeting may no longer be a four-letter word in most marriages.

Here’s the plan:

1. Make a budget on or around the first of the month.

2. Make sure your budget aligns with your values.

3. Do what you said you were going to do.

4. Track it.

5. Have fun!

6. Repeat.

If you follow these six simple steps, I promise you’ll find more joy, more peace, more intentionality, more unity, and more progress. Have a great day!

What is Family?

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of speaking at The Gathering, a church located in Hawaiian Gardens, CA (southern edge of LA County). Having that opportunity meant the world to me, as that church means the world to me. It was a surreal feeling to fly halfway across the country to speak to an audience that feels like family. It’s a foreign place to me (#midwesternkid), yet it feels like home. Before and after both services, I caught up with old friends and made some new friends. Lots of hugs, life updates, and stories about past shenanigans. I was also blessed by having my friends Chi-Chung and Roberta come listen to me speak (plus a wonderful lunch at the park afterward).

Days like yesterday really make me pause and ask the question, “What is family?” Sure, the easiest answer revolves around blood. That’s our natural go-to when thinking about family. However, it’s interesting to think about how I don’t share blood with a single person in the photo above (nor with any of my Hawaiian Garden family). We adopted our two amazing sons, Chi-Chung and I have served together in Southeast Asia for the last seven years, and I’ve spent many weeks with my friends in Hawaiian Gardens while leading high school mission trips. Yet, all of these people are family to me.

So I’ll ask again, “What is family?” To be honest, I don’t know the answer……but I know it when I see it. Family is family, well, because it is family. There’s a richness in these relationships that cannot be adequately explained in writing. I see my Hawaiian Garden friends once per year, and I probably see Chi-Chung about the same (usually in some faraway land). But when I do, it’s like we just saw each other yesterday. That’s family. Life is messy, filled with twists, turns, pain, and turmoil. But there are people around us who share in the burden so we don’t have to do it alone (and vice versa). That’s family. In a world that’s quick to criticize, question, and discourage, there are people in our life who will support, love, and encourage. That’s family.

I still don’t know the definition of family, but I know it when I see it. Yesterday was truly one of the best days of my year. Every single interaction I had meant something to me. It was one of those “pinch me” days, where I couldn’t believe this is my life. Or, maybe more precisely, I couldn’t believe who I get to call family.

Never stop building family and never stop pouring into those relationships. Those relationships provide a richness not attainable with money or status. A richness that makes life worth living.

Legacy Multiplies

I attended my maternal grandfather’s funeral yesterday. It was a great service and it meant a lot to spend the day with so many in my extended family. He was the third grandparent we’ve lost in the past 40 months.

Afterward, I decided to make a surprise visit to my 94-year-old paternal grandma at her assisted living home. I was the one who was about to be surprised, though. I knocked on the door, but no answer. So I worked my way around to the main entrance and found the main gathering space. I saw my grandma in the distance, and as I approached her, I realized I had just accidentally stumbled into a birthday party. My grandma told me I couldn’t leave, so I just took a seat and participated in the party. The two birthday kids were a 98-year-old man and a 101-year-old woman. Punch was enjoyed, gifts were given, stories were shared, and we ended with cake and ice cream. They even asked me to lead them in the singing of Happy Birthday. It was a real honor to be part of such a fun celebration.

** Fun Fact: 101 years ago was the first time a radio was installed in the White House…..and 98 years ago was the first time a presidential inauguration was broadcast over the radio.

I learned a lot about the two individuals being celebrated. I even had a chance to meet them before our time was done. Something stood out to me as I learned about the woman. She and her husband did really well for themselves. They never had kids, and instead used their time and money on worldwide travel and building various collections. I’m sure I’m grossly simplifying it, but that story stuck with me. Decades later, they were no longer able to travel, their collections and other possessions were sold off, and she was living in this facility with little to no family.

I think about my grandpa who we just celebrated yesterday. I’m not sure what his and Grandma’s specific finances looked like, but my sense is they had a very middle-class life. They lived relatively conservatively, my grandma stayed at home with their five kids, their travel was fairly simple, and they resided in the same house in a tiny 300-person town their entire adult lives. He left 5 kids, 13 grandkids, and 25 great-grandkids (with the youngest just entering the world a few weeks ago).

The idea of legacy is always on my mind, so you better believe these ideas were in hyperdrive yesterday as we said goodbye to my grandpa. Legacy doesn’t die. Legacy doesn’t just vanish from the planet when your time expires. Legacy lingers. Legacy is what remains long after you’re gone. Legacy isn’t what you take from the world, but rather what you give to it. It’s not what you want from something, but rather what you want for someone. My grandpa didn’t change the world, but he changed someone’s world. Many someones’ world. 5 kids, 13 grandkids, 25 great-grandkids (and counting), and soon the next generation. Will some of those people change the world? Maybe….maybe not. But I can promise you that each will change someone’s world. Legacy multiples.

Not All Days Are Created Equal

Sometimes, life feels repetitive. The same rhythm, the same routine, the same responsibilities, the same drives. Even when these things align with your values and mission, the repetitiveness can make us weary at times. But not all days are created equal. Some days just stand out. Some days are different. A special event, meeting someone new, reconnecting with an old friend, starting a new project. These types of days are special, but they wouldn’t be special if it weren’t for the “normal” days. It’s kind of like a vacation. A vacation is a vacation because not every day is a vacation. If every day were a vacation, a vacation wouldn’t be a vacation. Can we make up a new term and just call it the “vacation paradox”?

Today is one of those special days. Easter Sunday. For us, it’s an Easter egg hunt, church, special food, time with our nieces, and extra play time with the boys. Whatever your day looks like, I hope you enjoy it. Don’t take it for granted, but also don’t overlook the importance of the “normal” days. Without them, this special day wouldn’t be special.

Short and sweet today. Enjoy your special day…..and the not-so-special days. Happy Easter, everyone! See you tomorrow.

Knowing When to Walk Away

As you probably know, I love Mondays. Mondays are my favorite day of the week. I’m coming off a fun weekend where I played with the kids, probably watched some sports, stayed up too late, and made some fun memories. And my reward? I get to wake up at the start of a new week, with endless possibilities in front of me, knowing I have five days to do good work and make a difference in this world. Sincerely, Monday mornings are the best!

Last night, I was chatting with Sarah on the couch. We talked about summer plans, current events, and happenings at church and work. As that conversation came to an end, I asked her for a blog idea for today’s post. She referred to my love of Mondays, then said I should do a post about “knowing when to walk away” when it comes to work. I asked her to elaborate, so she listed off a few thoughts:

• Being present with family

• Setting healthy boundaries with work hours

• Taking time to enjoy relaxing things

• Not bringing work home

Can we just pretend Sarah was referring to people in general and not specifically to me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. She’s right. She knows she’s right and I know she’s right. I struggle with this a lot. In my prior career, I brought home a lot of stress and carried it with me. In my current career, I carry with me an ever-present desire to do more good work. I absolutely love what I do……and sometimes, without proper boundaries, that can be a problem.

Sometimes I get this right, but often I don’t. I never realized there was a shadow side to loving your work. It shouldn’t be something to be scared of, though. Rather, it’s something to harness, be aware of, and approach with intentionality. We aren’t magically going to get it 100% right, but we can get 1% better each day. Day by day, situation by situation.

Sarah likely wouldn’t have suggested this topic if she thought I was doing a wonderful job, so I still have my work cut out for me. On the bright side, I’d rather have this problem than carry stress, dread, and misery with me every day. What say you?

Home

Well, we’re on our way home from Thailand and Qatar. A few hours ago, we began the long journey back to Iowa. It’s been a whirlwind of a trip. When I get back from these trips, people sometimes ask if I feel refreshed. Spiritually, absolutely! These trips always help me reframe my perspective and focus on what’s most important. But mentally and physically? No, I’m spent….the tanks are empty! In a lot of ways, my day-to-day life will be a slow-down from what we’ve been doing these past 10 days. Though these trips fill my tank to the brim, I’m always glad to be home. I’m excited to be home. I miss home.

Home. We often use the words house and home interchangeably. “I built a new home.” “We bought a vacation home.” I don’t think these words are one and the same. A house is a building. It has four walls, a room, and beds. But a home? It’s so much more. It’s not a neighborhood. It’s not a town. It’s the space you retreat to each night, where you share life with your closest family, surrounded by all the other meaningful people in your life. It’s togetherness, community, safety, and support. They are not the same.

In our culture, we obsess about where we live. Bigger, better, newer….the pursuit for more status and more comfort. When I left my prior career and we downshifted our life, we also made a drastic decision about where we live. We sold our large, new house, and elected to rent a small townhome. After three years in the townhome, we moved in a small, 60-year-old rental house in the older neighborhood of our city. It’s safe to say this is my lowest standard of living in the last 20 years. But it’s our home! This is where my kids feel safe. It’s where we create memories and play. It’s where we meet up at the end of each crazy and chaotic day and be together. I don’t care if it’s in a mansion or a tiny house. No building defines my home. Home is wherever my people are.

I don’t frankly care what building we live in today…..or down the road for that matter. It might look different next year, and then again a few years after that. It might look like an owned house in Iowa, or a rental house in Asia where we spend part of our year, or bouncing from place to place like nomads. But home will always be home. Not because of what’s in it, but because of who’s in it.

The Curse of Comparison

When I was growing up, the only Christmas I experienced was my own. I knew what it looked like in my home, and my friends theirs. Technology changed the game with the invention of social media. Maybe some of you are in the same camp, but I spent some time scrolling through Facebook and Instagram yesterday. Christmas post after Christmas post. And maybe some of you can also relate to having a multitude of feelings when seeing other people’s Christmas celebrations. Feelings such as:

• “They look happier than us”

• “They have more presents than us”

• Their house is a lot nicer than ours”

• “They have way better food than we’re having”

• “Their trip looks way more fun than being in this frigid weather”

If you had any thoughts such as these, you’re not alone. I’m guessing many of us did. After all, it’s human nature. It’s the curse of comparison, and social media amplifies it unlike anything we’ve ever dealt with before. There are a few major problems with comparison:

1) We only compare ourselves to people who have more or better than we have. We rarely stop to compare ourselves to those who are less fortunate than us……which by the way is the vast majority of the world.

2) There’s always someone with more than us to compare ourselves to. Even Jeff Bezos, the 5th richest person in the world, could compare himself to Elon Musk (2nd richest person in the world) and jealously wish he had that additional $50 billion. No matter how well we have it, we’ll find someone to compare ourselves to. Whether it’s family, a job, a house, status, cars, or presents under the tree, we’ll definitely find someone to unfairly compare ourselves to.

3) Comparison robs us of appreciating what we do have. I have so much in life, but after spending 10 minutes on Facebook this afternoon, I felt like a nothing. It can be demoralizing at times, so it’s important to always take time to reflect on and be grateful for what we do have.

4) Social media is people’s highlight reel. It portrays them at their absolute best, the way they want to be seen, in a moment of time. We don’t know what’s happening in the other 99.9% of their lives. Sadly, many are hurting just like you and me. So when we see their social media post, don’t extrapolate them to believe their lives are perfect and pristine. I promise you they aren’t.

No matter what your Christmas looked like, I hope it was your version of amazing filled with special moments, time with loved ones, and memories that will last a lifetime. Merry Christmas!

Magnifying Meaning

Last night was awesome, filled with many cherished family traditions. Christmas Eve service with my family, including the always anticipated candlelight singing of Silent Night. Dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Snuggling on the couch watching Christmas movies. And last, but not least, a reading of The Night Before Christmas.

Traditions are special to us, but it’s not really about the traditions. It’s about those who we share the traditions with. For me, it’s my wife and kids. My boys are six now, so at this young age, they experience it a little differently each year.

I often talk about the idea of pursuing meaning. People generally nod their heads in agreement at this concept, but their actions oftentimes say otherwise. In their defense, the allure of money is attractive enough to lose sight of meaning. I get it…..I’ve been there! But moments like this, cherished holidays or traditions, are like a magnifying glass on our meaning….or lack thereof. It’s like looking into one of those cosmetic mirrors in hotel bathrooms. We see ourselves in the mirror every day, but it can be startling to see ourselves that close and that clearly. Sometimes we don’t like what we see. Holidays do that to us. They lay bare what we truly value and where we invest in life.

As I was sitting in Christmas Eve service watching my two little guys anchored on each side of me, proudly holding their “grown-up candles” while singing Silent Night, I couldn’t help but get emotional. The meaning was magnified in that moment, and it reminded me exactly why I do the things I do. Not so we can have more, but so we can have better. So I can model each and every day what it looks like to wake up with a heart to serve others and serve our God. In years past, I’m not sure I liked what I saw when the magnifying glass hit me. But the last few years (and this year)? It showed me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I hope you felt the same way.

Merry Christmas!

Home Alone: Thanksgiving Edition

Home Alone is on my Mount Rushmore of holiday movies. It’s a classic! I think what makes it particularly special for me was the fact I was the same age as Kevin McCallister when it came out. I always pictured myself in Kevin’s shoes. Eating tons of junk food, watching R-rated movies, and beating up bad guys with gruesome handmade booby traps!

Well, my wish came true on Thanksgiving! But instead of sledding down the stairs, target shooting Starting Lineup figures with a BB gun, and rummaging through Buzz’s personal belongings, I was curled up on the couch in the fetal position while my family was in Kansas City celebrating with loved ones. I was left home alone, but in the worst of ways. I’m glad they still went and enjoyed their time together, but wow I missed them! There were some lonely moments and stretches of self-loathing. Instead of eating turkey and pumpkin pie, I was enjoying saltines and Gatorade. Instead of playing with my kids and nieces, I was in and out of consciousness while in a constant state of agony.

It’s days like that when I’m reminded how important our health is. We take it for granted when we’re well, but we’re desperate to have it back when we lose it. When it comes to our finances and habits, I’m not sure my family invests in health as much as we should. As I always say, we need to align our budget and behaviors with our values. If I really value health, I’m not sure there’s a true alignment. It can be a humbling moment when we realize we’re living out of alignment. I think it’s time to make some changes!

Two questions for you to think about today:

1) In what ways do you invest in your health?

2) What parts of your budget and behavior don’t align with your values?

The Why Behind the Why Behind the Why

When I’m having a conversation with people, especially in a coaching setting, I repeatedly ask the question, “why?” I sound like my 6-year-olds, I know. I find that when “why?” is asked, we continually get closer to the truth.

I was recently meeting with a client who expressed an interest in buying a new house. They already live in a very nice house, in a very nice part of town, in a very solid school district. This intrigued me, so I started the process of unearthing the truth:

“Why?”…..”We need something bigger to comfortably fit our family.” They already have a 4-bedroom house and they are pregnant with their second child. I knew we weren’t deep enough yet.

“Why?”…..”We also want to be in a safer neighborhood.” They already live in a notoriously safe neighborhood in a notoriously safe town. We still weren’t there.

“Why?”…..”We’ll enjoy living in the new house more than our current house.” Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. We still needed to go deeper.

“Why?” This is the part where I was expecting them to go down the material side of things. After all, that pool and theater room were indeed pretty sweet!!! “Because we earned it.” Oh, now we’re cooking!

With the fourth “why?”, we finally broke through and the truth was approaching. After a few minutes, it was revealed that the husband’s father had always equated one’s success with their house. People who had bigger, nicer houses were obviously more successful. Therefore, buying a better house would be an external symbol of how successful they had become. That was their real “why.”

My role here wasn’t to criticize their prospective decision to buy this house, but rather for them to understand their true motives and be honest about it…..then make the best decision for their family. This was a profound discussion for them and provided an opportunity for self-reflection and introspection.

They eventually decided to purchase a different house, but armed with new insights about why they were really doing it, they ended up purchasing a different house. I think they won. We always win when we understand the why behind the why behind the why.