Unwinding Your Way to Contentment

The pursuit of more is a slippery slope. It starts innocent enough. We enter the real world and get our first place. We see how nice our friends’ place is, so we also get something nice. Maybe we’ve been driving a beater for a while, so we decide to get an upgrade. After all, we’ve been working hard and we’re finally making grown-up money. Then the new iPhone comes out and we realize ours is already a few years old……better get a new one. One small step, then another, then another. None of these are inherently bad. But without knowing it, we’ve set into motion the ever-alluring and never fulfilling pursuit of more. As I always say, the problem with more is that more is still, well, more.

Fast forward 15 years, we have a significantly higher income than we started out with……and an inflated lifestyle to match. Then, it dawns on us: we’re just as stressed and discontent now as we were back when we had almost nothing. This is the fork in the road. Down one path is the continued pursuit of more. Maybe we just haven’t gotten to the point where we have “enough” to actually be happy. Maybe we’re one promotion, one trip, one house upgrade, or one additional zero in our bank account away. The other path? The other path requires humility. It’s an acknowledgment that perhaps we’ve been seeking comfort and happiness in the wrong things, then deciding to unwind some of our past decisions.

Two clients have recently decided to pursue the latter path. These are families who have achieved much success. Incomes most of us will never have, and lifestyles to match. Truth is, they aren’t happy. Life is moving fast, they are overly busy, their marriages are strained, and they feel quite discontent. So what are they doing about it? They have humbly and painfully decided to take a few drastic steps:

• Sell their house and downsize (one is purchasing a much small house and the other will rent)

• Downgrade their vehicle situation to something a bit more practical.

• Start saying “no” to various activities, trips, and memberships. This is an effort to create margin in their family time.

• Dramatically increase how much they give, taking the focus off them and putting it on others.

• Downshift their careers to stop focusing on an upward trajectory and lean in on creating a healthier balance.

These are no doubt counter-cultural decisions. They’ve already started getting pushback from friends and family, which is how they know they are probably on the right track. Whenever the prevailing culture pushes back against you, it’s probably a sign you’re doing something right.

They haven’t even implemented all these changes and they are already feeling better about their situations. There’s something empowering about knowing you have the power to unwind past decisions. It’s a constant reminder that everything is on the table.

The Joneses Don’t Know They Are The Joneses

Most of us know the saying, “keeping up with the Joneses.” It’s become the motto of modern-day American materialism, referring to the never-ending pursuit to keep up with the spending lifestyles of our neighbors, friends, and colleagues. The house we live in, the car we drive, the school our kids go to, where we go on vacation, the clubs we belong to……the list goes on and on. This phenomenon is a significant contributor to people’s decisions. We all like to say and pretend it doesn’t impact us, but I’ve spent enough time with clients to know we’re being naive if we think that way.

Here’s how powerful of a force The Joneses are in our lives. When we buy a house, we’re not just committing to a certain down payment and monthly mortgage payment. When we select our house, or more specifically, our neighborhood, we’re committing to a lifestyle. This singular decision about what street or neighborhood to move to has the potential to fundamentally change the way we live our lives. That’s a terrifying thought, but it’s as true as the sky is blue.

I want to share a story. It’s a story of four families. These four families are amongst a larger group of friends and neighbors. Through various odd circumstances and connections, I’ve had the privilege of spending time with these families in one way or another. Through conversations with the first couple, it becomes clear the pressure of keeping up with their neighbors adds a level of stress to their marriage. Then when I talk to another couple, they admitted some of their credit card debt is attributed to expensive meals and trips with their neighbors. Then when I interact with the third couple, they get frustrated by “having” to go to certain events (accompanied by a high cost). Lastly, the fourth couple admitted to making a few questionable vehicle purchases out of fear of negative judgment.

Here’s the kicker. Each of these families gets frustrated by trying to keep up with The Joneses (i.e. their neighbors), but to their neighbor, THEY are The Joneses. By trying to keep up with each other, they in turn become the thing each other is trying to keep up with. It’s irony at its finest.

Here’s the good news: every family has the power to hop off the Joneses train. It’s scary to be the first family to jump off, but doing so may give the second family the courage to do it as well. Once the second family does, it allows the entire Joneses structure to crumble.

Think about your own circle. Do you need to be the first of the Joneses to jump off the train?