Home

Well, we’re on our way home from Thailand and Qatar. A few hours ago, we began the long journey back to Iowa. It’s been a whirlwind of a trip. When I get back from these trips, people sometimes ask if I feel refreshed. Spiritually, absolutely! These trips always help me reframe my perspective and focus on what’s most important. But mentally and physically? No, I’m spent….the tanks are empty! In a lot of ways, my day-to-day life will be a slow-down from what we’ve been doing these past 10 days. Though these trips fill my tank to the brim, I’m always glad to be home. I’m excited to be home. I miss home.

Home. We often use the words house and home interchangeably. “I built a new home.” “We bought a vacation home.” I don’t think these words are one and the same. A house is a building. It has four walls, a room, and beds. But a home? It’s so much more. It’s not a neighborhood. It’s not a town. It’s the space you retreat to each night, where you share life with your closest family, surrounded by all the other meaningful people in your life. It’s togetherness, community, safety, and support. They are not the same.

In our culture, we obsess about where we live. Bigger, better, newer….the pursuit for more status and more comfort. When I left my prior career and we downshifted our life, we also made a drastic decision about where we live. We sold our large, new house, and elected to rent a small townhome. After three years in the townhome, we moved in a small, 60-year-old rental house in the older neighborhood of our city. It’s safe to say this is my lowest standard of living in the last 20 years. But it’s our home! This is where my kids feel safe. It’s where we create memories and play. It’s where we meet up at the end of each crazy and chaotic day and be together. I don’t care if it’s in a mansion or a tiny house. No building defines my home. Home is wherever my people are.

I don’t frankly care what building we live in today…..or down the road for that matter. It might look different next year, and then again a few years after that. It might look like an owned house in Iowa, or a rental house in Asia where we spend part of our year, or bouncing from place to place like nomads. But home will always be home. Not because of what’s in it, but because of who’s in it.

The Problem With More

We have a “more” problem in our culture. In nearly every facet of our lives, it becomes about having, getting, making, and doing more, more, and more. The problem with more is that every time we get more, more is still, well, more.

Once we set ourselves down the path to more, there’s no natural endpoint. It’s an infinite game with no real winners. No matter the job we possess, there’s always one that pays more. No matter the phone we buy, there’s always a shinier, faster one coming out next week. No matter the restaurant we go to, there’s always something trendier. No matter the vacation we take, there’s always something more exotic.

Then, there are cars and houses. People can’t get enough when it comes to their vehicles. Newer, bigger, sleeker vehicles with enough high-tech features to launch a man to the moon. Then, the mother of all more, our houses. When people are looking to buy a house, one popular phrase they throw into the mix is “our forever home.” Every time this is proclaimed, I’m quick to say, “no, it’s not.” Why? Because more is always more. Inevitably, in most cases, these “forever homes” become former homes in just a handful of years, as the goal post of what satisfies shifted upwards mere months after moving into the so-called “forever home.”

This is the problem with more. There’s no way to psychologically combat this very human quirk. However, we do have a choice on the table: step out of the madness and choose not to participate in the pursuit of more. It’s a simple, yet profound idea that can fundamentally transform people’s lives. It changed mine, it’s changed countless families I work with, and it can change yours.

The Why Behind the Why Behind the Why

When I’m having a conversation with people, especially in a coaching setting, I repeatedly ask the question, “why?” I sound like my 6-year-olds, I know. I find that when “why?” is asked, we continually get closer to the truth.

I was recently meeting with a client who expressed an interest in buying a new house. They already live in a very nice house, in a very nice part of town, in a very solid school district. This intrigued me, so I started the process of unearthing the truth:

“Why?”…..”We need something bigger to comfortably fit our family.” They already have a 4-bedroom house and they are pregnant with their second child. I knew we weren’t deep enough yet.

“Why?”…..”We also want to be in a safer neighborhood.” They already live in a notoriously safe neighborhood in a notoriously safe town. We still weren’t there.

“Why?”…..”We’ll enjoy living in the new house more than our current house.” Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. We still needed to go deeper.

“Why?” This is the part where I was expecting them to go down the material side of things. After all, that pool and theater room were indeed pretty sweet!!! “Because we earned it.” Oh, now we’re cooking!

With the fourth “why?”, we finally broke through and the truth was approaching. After a few minutes, it was revealed that the husband’s father had always equated one’s success with their house. People who had bigger, nicer houses were obviously more successful. Therefore, buying a better house would be an external symbol of how successful they had become. That was their real “why.”

My role here wasn’t to criticize their prospective decision to buy this house, but rather for them to understand their true motives and be honest about it…..then make the best decision for their family. This was a profound discussion for them and provided an opportunity for self-reflection and introspection.

They eventually decided to purchase a different house, but armed with new insights about why they were really doing it, they ended up purchasing a different house. I think they won. We always win when we understand the why behind the why behind the why.