UnGuilty Pleasures

I have a confession to make. I despise the term “guilty pleasure.” I know it’s a ubiquitous phrase in our culture, but do you ever stop to think about what it really means? At its core, calling something a guilty pleasure insinuates that you shouldn’t be doing it. It’s something you enjoy, but know it’s wrong (or wrong-ish). If anything, we should call adultery and stealing guilty pleasures.

I’m reminded of my hatred of this phrase because a client recently referred to getting her nails done as a guilty pleasure. Another client referred to golfing as a guilty pleasure. And a third person recently said her morning coffee at a local coffee shop is a guilty pleasure. None of these things are inherently bad. In fact, they may be quite good. The question isn’t about right and wrong, but rather right for YOU and wrong for YOU. For many of my friends, spending money on golf is the absolute best use of their personal spending money. For me, it would be counter-productive. Why would I want to blow my money on something that will just upset me and make me want to break something (which will cost me more money)? That doesn’t sound like a good value.

Instead, perhaps we can rebrand guilty pleasure into “unguilty pleasure.” These are purely wants, but add value to our lives. By definition, then, they are important. Yes, wants can be important. One of mine is a monthly massage. About two years ago, after spending years believing massages are something I could neither afford nor justify, I signed up for a membership at a local massage studio. Each month, I pay a fee and get a massage. In hindsight, it’s one of the best expenditures I’ve made in years. I always look forward to my appointment, and it adds value to my life. I don’t feel guilty about this. It’s not for everyone, but it is absolutely for me.

Today, I have two homework assignments for you. First, please remove the phrase “guilty pleasure” from your vocabulary. You deserve better than to do something you feel guilty about or perceive it as a bad decision. Second, lean hard into the following question: “What’s one want in my life that would make my life better?” Don’t filter your answer through the lens of needs and wants. It’s a want....you don’t need it. Let’s make that clear. It’s purely a want. Filter it through the lens of whether it adds value to your life. If it does, go for it! No guilt, no second-guessing, and no regret.

Enjoy those unguilty pleasures!

Memories Are Memories

In a world obsessed with more, more, and more, we can often lose sight of what really matters. In the last week, I’ve had several conversations with parents about how they are spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on their kids. Sometimes they classify these expenditures as wants, and other times as needs. But as a general rule of thumb, if it doesn’t involve a doctor, there are very few purchases in the $1,000+ range that classify as true kid needs.

I’m not necessarily disparaging these purchase decisions. People can do whatever they want and certainly have the right to do so. However, in the midst of all the spending, we sometimes lose perspective. We can get so consumed by the idea of more spending = more fun, more memories, and more happiness. Yes, there are some memories and experiences that more money can buy. No doubt about that! My friends Cole and Kate invested in an amazing trip to New Zealand several years ago. Those memories and experiences were unique and breathtaking……and expensive. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, I celebrated it while I lived vicariously through them.

At the same time, memories are memories. Memories don’t keep score with dollars. A positive memory that costs $10 has the same value as a positive memory that costs $10,000. Last weekend, Sarah was out of town and I had a “man weekend” with the boys. We had so much fun. One of the days was packed with all sorts of adventures and activities. As I was tucking the kids to bed that night, out of nowhere Finn exclaimed, “Daddy, today was the best day ever!” Wow, that one got me and it suddenly felt like someone was cutting onions in their bedroom. Weird how that happens to us guys sometimes. As I thought about the day, I realized all we spent was $6 for a couple of ice cream cones. The truth is, they didn’t care if we had the simplest day or the most financially extravagant day. All they cared about was having me fully present and engaging with them. Kids can humble us like that.

Next time you feel guilty for not being able to “provide” something for your kids, or you feel the pressure to spend money on xyz because everyone else is, remember that memories are memories. They don’t care what you spend. They aren’t keeping score with money. When it’s time to spend on something expensive, great. But if not and until then, please don’t discredit or overlook all the amazing opportunities in front of you to create memories each and every day.

Wiping the Slate Clean

Has this ever happened to you? Life gets intense. Maybe it’s sickness, relational turmoil, job stress, or just being too busy. In the midst of life hitting so hard, you lose sight of your finances. You forget to do a few things, fail to track your spending, or perhaps don’t have a budget to begin with. Money is the last thing on your mind and it is what it is. Can you relate?

Most people can, at some point or another. When we hit a season like this, there’s a common sequence of events that can happen. You look at your situation and think, a) I don’t even want to know how much I messed up, b) that’s a lot of tracking to go back and recreate, and c) the hole feels too deep to dig out of. When we have one or more of these thoughts, it leads us to simply do nothing. Out of sight, out of mind. We choose to ignore it, which propels us to ignore it some more, which makes us want to permanently ignore it. Some would call that quitting….and you wouldn’t be alone.

I occasionally have clients who experience some version of this. It’s usually accompanied by a lot of guilt, stress, and frustration. My response is quite simple: “The past is the past. There’s no need to dwell on it. Let’s just wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start next month.” On one hand, this seems like an irresponsible decision. After all, knowing what happened is important…..it provides learning and accountability. True, very true. However, if the idea of hashing through the past creates paralysis, it does zero good. At some point, we need to focus our eyes on the present and the future. It’s amazing to see the faces of people when I ask them to simply move forward and leave the past alone. There’s a freedom in that decision that allows them to embrace what’s right in front of them. It can quickly turn into a springboard to regain momentum and progress.

That’s the thing with money. Money is NEVER about money. It’s always about something bigger. Life can be heavy, hectic, and busy. In the midst of it, you messed up. So what?!? You aren’t perfect and were never supposed to be. Please give yourself grace today…..you deserve it!

Walking the Line Between Guilt and Growth

Welcome to the unexpected third installment of the unexpected three-part series about parenting and money. Thanks to Pax’s broken arm and a lot of reader feedback, this has turned into a fantastic discussion. Over the past few days, I’ve received a lot of questions and wonderings from parents. Many share a situation relevant in their life, then ask if it’s perpetuating guilt or growth. In short, there are a lot of parents doing a lot of good parenting…..in less-than-ideal circumstances. I thought it would be worthwhile to share one common example, as it carries a lot of parallels to many different scenarios we as parents may find ourselves in.

Scenario: A teen driver gets a few speeding tickets, which inevitably results in the family’s auto insurance rates going up.

Healthy Option: Make the teen pay for some or all of the incremental insurance cost. This allows them to take ownership of the situation and models the adult reality that actions have tangible consequences. Growth can happen here and the teen feels some level of organic, external pain.

Neutral Option: The parents pay for most or all of the incremental cost and you never again bring it up in conversation as a way of reminding them of what it’s costing you. Mistakes were made, costs were incurred, and we all move on. There’s neither growth nor guilt.

Toxic Option: The parents pay for all of the incremental cost and periodically (or frequently) bring it up to the teen. It gets brought up whenever there’s conflict, the next time they make a mistake, when you want to illustrate how much you do for your kids, or when you need/want something from them. You “help” your teen by paying this cost, but then turn around and use it as a weapon to manipulate, control, and push guilt on them.

There are a million similar-but-different situations we encounter in our parenting journey, from the time our kids are toddlers to the time they are caring for us in our old age. All we can do is the best we can do, each step of the way. Parents, I feel for you. Life comes fast and it doesn’t stop. To make it even harder, every time we figure out this whole parenting thing, our kids develop into the next stage and the rules change once again. It’s a wild ride, but a beautiful ride.

You got this!

Don't Let Your Kids Wear It

As the parents of twin boys, our household motto for the last six-and-a-half years has been, “hurt, not injured.” We have a lot of hurts. Bruises, cuts, bumps, and blood…..almost daily. LOTS of hurts. Fortunately, we’ve avoided injury, until now. A few nights ago, Pax took a nasty fall while climbing out of a bunk bed. It was probably the least violent thing he did all day, but it was immediately clear something was wrong with his arm. Sarah and the boys were out of state while I was at home, so she was bearing the brunt of it without me, in an unfamiliar geographic area, having never dealt with anything like this before. There weren’t urgent care facilities nearby, so she took him to the emergency room. A lengthy wait and a few x-rays later, it’s revealed that Pax fractured two bones in his forearm. They secured the arm and splinted it (buying some time until we can see a specialist here locally), then eventually made it back to their Airbnb around 2:00 AM. It was a long night for all.

As with any medical situation in this country, the conversation quickly turns to health insurance. A few keywords get me a bit anxious: x-rays, emergency room, and specialist. We intentionally carry a health insurance plan with a very high deductible, and have done so for nearly a decade. We’ve definitely come out on the winning side of this decision, but this incident may tip the scales back the other way. There’s no doubt this incident will cost us many thousands of dollars.

I didn’t share this story to garner sympathy. We’re a family blessed with good health and a solid run without incident. Rather, it’s about what comes next. Yesterday, I had a conversation with Sarah about something we need to be very intentional about. We can NEVER discuss the financial implications of this around either of the boys. Doing so can be destructive and long-lasting. I’m far from the perfect parent and I can use all the advice people are willing to give, but this is one area that I’m 100% confident in. We can’t let our kids wear the pressure, stress, and guilt of financial implications…..ESPECIALLY when it involves them. If we were to tell Pax that his mistake cost us thousands of dollars, he may carry that guilt for decades.

Some parents use money as a weapon, always reminding kids of what something costs. Whether it’s the cost of a medical bill, an activity they pay for, a growing grocery budget, or a gift they purchased them. Each of these has negative implications. Every time we as parents do this, all our children hear is how much of a burden they are. One exception. If there’s a decision to be made and your child shall be part of that conversation, the cost should absolutely be discussed. That’s a healthy and valuable thing to do. Where it turns toxic and destructive is when we’re talking about something that’s already happened or something that will happen in the future that can’t or won’t be altered.

So this is my advice to all parents. Don’t let your kids wear it. Yes, I wish this never would have happened. Yes, I’m extremely frustrated by the inevitable bill. Yes, this absolutely sucks. But I never want Pax to feel the financial weight of it. That’s a burden for Sarah and me to shoulder. We’ll get through it, we’ll pay for it, and Pax will be back to his superhero ninja self in no time!

A Fresh Start

I’m a big advocate for people creating a new budget each month. We don’t have to recreate the wheel each month, but every month is different. For most, it works well to start with last month’s budget and simply make some adjustments that are contextual to the month ahead. Doing this allows us to specifically plan for what life will bring us this month. Maybe it’s a trip coming up, a wedding you’ll attend, or some back-to-school clothes for the kids. So many different factors can play into what this month will look like.

But this post isn’t about the nuts and bolts of budgeting. Instead, I want to go a bit deeper. Some of the biggest issues we face in our finances are failure, guilt, and resentment. We screw up, then beat ourselves up, then get beat up by our partner…..and it lingers…..for a long time. This is one of the reasons why money-related issues are the #1 cause of divorce in our country. There’s so much emotion tied to it, and it’s easy for things to get tightly wound.

This is where the idea of monthly budgeting comes in. When we do it this way, sometime between 1 and 30 days from now we get a clean slate, a fresh start, and a blank canvas. It allows us to put last month’s mistakes behind us. It doesn’t make it disappear, but we learn from it, set it aside, and simply move on. This is a real game-changer for many people. That hard reset each month can be refreshing, and very much what the doctor ordered.

Though Sarah and I have been doing monthly budgets together for more than 13 years, sometimes we fail. Mistakes are made. Sometimes it’s negligence, other times it’s circumstantial, while occasionally we just get a bad break. Regardless, getting that fresh start the following month is a relief and provides us a sense of optimism.

Give yourself that fresh start. You deserve it!

Black Friday Doesn't Have Feelings

Some people worship at the alter of Black Friday.

Some people think Black Friday is evil.

I disagree with both. Black Friday doesn’t have feelings…..it’s just another day. Well, I guess this particular day has some pretty big sales and encourages us to spend money, but so what?!? There’s nothing wrong with scoring a sweet Black Friday deal. Did you need it? Who cares! That’s not what matters.

What matters is we’re financially responsible, our spending fits within the context of our broader plan, we don’t make decisions that will hurt our future selves, and we don’t end up with feelings of guilt/resentment.

Last year, I impulsively purchased a foot massager on Black Friday. I didn’t know I “needed” a foot massager until I had one. I keep it under my desk and it’s awesome. Ridiculous, I know. But I already had money set aside in the budget for such occasion, it looked cool, turns out I really enjoy it, and it was worth every penny of my heavily discounted purchase price. #winning

What should you do on Black Friday? Whatever you want! Don’t let others shame you or jam their values and perspectives down your throat. After all, Black Friday doesn’t have feelings. It’s just a day.