They Come in Threes, Right?

You know the saying, “Bad things come in threes”, right? I always roll my eyes at this saying, as I’m not a superstitious person. Well, I’m no longer laughing. In the 36 hours leading up to our family trip, we got struck by the trifecta of terrible. First, a tree fell on our house. Then, we randomly had water in our basement, on either side of an interior wall. Just hours after that, the pipes under the kitchen sink burst as Sarah was doing dishes. I was already stressed as I was trying to finish my talks ahead of this hybrid work trip / family vacation, so needless to say the stress level in our house increased dramatically. .

It may have been a bit poetic to get hit by the hat trick of crappy considering I met with three separate families earlier in the week who have been navigating their share of heavy life. All three of these families have their own unique junk that continues to pile up (theirs didn’t stop at three). Though it feels like they are losing, I reminded them how well they are doing considering the circumstances.

There’s one question that tends to change the perspective of the conversation. “How would this have played out in the past?” The answer is usually a combination of fighting, drained savings, credit card debt, an abandonment of priorities, a feeling of hopelessness, and a bit more fighting. These types of situations can be utterly destructive to a couple’s relationship and finances.

In each of these recent cases, however, the consequence was a little stress and a slowdown of financial progress. Night and day difference! What’s the secret sauce? Intentionality, ongoing budgeting, a healthy emergency fund, living with margin, planned savings for foreseeable needs/issues, and a shared vision. It doesn’t make these types of situations fun to deal with, but at least they will live to fight another day…..and not lose their dreams along the way.

So despite each of these families losing ground on their progress, I congratulate each one for amazing work. Even if it feels lousy, these are amazing wins worth celebrating! Winning is fun, but sometimes the win is not losing. It enables us to get back on the horse and keep fighting the good fight. Find those little wins and celebrate the heck out of them. They may not be the wins you’re looking for, but they may be the wins you need.

Don't Let Your Kids Wear It

As the parents of twin boys, our household motto for the last six-and-a-half years has been, “hurt, not injured.” We have a lot of hurts. Bruises, cuts, bumps, and blood…..almost daily. LOTS of hurts. Fortunately, we’ve avoided injury, until now. A few nights ago, Pax took a nasty fall while climbing out of a bunk bed. It was probably the least violent thing he did all day, but it was immediately clear something was wrong with his arm. Sarah and the boys were out of state while I was at home, so she was bearing the brunt of it without me, in an unfamiliar geographic area, having never dealt with anything like this before. There weren’t urgent care facilities nearby, so she took him to the emergency room. A lengthy wait and a few x-rays later, it’s revealed that Pax fractured two bones in his forearm. They secured the arm and splinted it (buying some time until we can see a specialist here locally), then eventually made it back to their Airbnb around 2:00 AM. It was a long night for all.

As with any medical situation in this country, the conversation quickly turns to health insurance. A few keywords get me a bit anxious: x-rays, emergency room, and specialist. We intentionally carry a health insurance plan with a very high deductible, and have done so for nearly a decade. We’ve definitely come out on the winning side of this decision, but this incident may tip the scales back the other way. There’s no doubt this incident will cost us many thousands of dollars.

I didn’t share this story to garner sympathy. We’re a family blessed with good health and a solid run without incident. Rather, it’s about what comes next. Yesterday, I had a conversation with Sarah about something we need to be very intentional about. We can NEVER discuss the financial implications of this around either of the boys. Doing so can be destructive and long-lasting. I’m far from the perfect parent and I can use all the advice people are willing to give, but this is one area that I’m 100% confident in. We can’t let our kids wear the pressure, stress, and guilt of financial implications…..ESPECIALLY when it involves them. If we were to tell Pax that his mistake cost us thousands of dollars, he may carry that guilt for decades.

Some parents use money as a weapon, always reminding kids of what something costs. Whether it’s the cost of a medical bill, an activity they pay for, a growing grocery budget, or a gift they purchased them. Each of these has negative implications. Every time we as parents do this, all our children hear is how much of a burden they are. One exception. If there’s a decision to be made and your child shall be part of that conversation, the cost should absolutely be discussed. That’s a healthy and valuable thing to do. Where it turns toxic and destructive is when we’re talking about something that’s already happened or something that will happen in the future that can’t or won’t be altered.

So this is my advice to all parents. Don’t let your kids wear it. Yes, I wish this never would have happened. Yes, I’m extremely frustrated by the inevitable bill. Yes, this absolutely sucks. But I never want Pax to feel the financial weight of it. That’s a burden for Sarah and me to shoulder. We’ll get through it, we’ll pay for it, and Pax will be back to his superhero ninja self in no time!

Ignorance is Bliss, Until It's a Nightmare

Whenever I start working with a new client, there’s a moment early on when they have more money stress and tension than they did before we started working together. On the surface, it seems like the coaching is counter-productive. After all, the whole point of this coaching concept is to make things better…..not worse. There’s a universal truth in all this. Ignorance is bliss. Many people have very little day-to-day tension and stress when it comes to money. It’s not because their finances are in a good place, but rather because, “out of sight, out of mind,” as the saying goes.

Digging into our finances and facing reality on reality’s terms can dredge up a lot of junk. It’s like looking into one of those ultra-magnifying mirrors you see in some hotel bathrooms. It’s scary to see yourself that close. ALL the blemishes become apparent. Money is much the same way. When we look close enough, we won’t always like what we see.

This idea hit home recently when I had two contrasting conversations. The first conversation was with a friend who is somewhat critical of my work. by the way, I love when people I care about can engage me in conversations like this. It shows trust in each other, and I always learn something from them. His main point was he and his wife spend almost zero time talking about money in their marriage. They “just live life,” as he put it. He went on to explain they don’t really worry about what they spend, they don’t worry about saving, and they don’t worry about the future. Life is good, live in the moment, and it will all work out in the end. In some ways, I’m jealous of their approach to life. I wish I could be more like that at times. On the other hand, based on what he shared with me, I have a feeling where some of this will go a few decades down the road……and it’s not good.

In a subsequent conversation, I talked to a couple who was a few decades older than the guy I just mentioned. They explained how they used to handle finances, or rather how they didn’t handle them. The way they portrayed their younger selves sounded a lot like the man above. Fast forward a few decades, and they are freaking out. They lived a financially stress-free life, but now stress is barreling down on them. They are starting to realize social security isn’t nearly enough to support them, they didn’t adequately save on their own, and the clock is ticking. The reality is they will HAVE to work well into their 70s (or beyond). I don’t personally believe in traditional retirement and I hope to be working into my 80s, but it breaks my heart to see a couple work so hard for many decades, only to find themselves in a position with very limited options.

They gave me permission to anonymously share this story with you because, as they put it, they “wouldn’t wish this upon their worst enemy.” Harsh words. I feel for them, I truly do. So if I can give you any advice on this topic, it would be this: be willing to endure some financial stress and tension today (getting it right), because it’s so much better than what’s coming down the road. This couple deserves better, and so do you!

Giving What You Have: PTO Edition

In multiple posts, I’ve mentioned the words of my wise friend, Gary Hoag. “Give what you have, not what you don’t.” This simple saying has changed my perspective on life, as it has for countless others. When the topic of generosity comes up, people are quick to highlight all the things they don’t have. But everyone has something to give. We just have to each recognize what we’re blessed with and decide to share it with others.

This idea hit full speed today as I was chatting with a friend. My friend has been dealing with significant and scary medical issues. I’m sure it’s taken a toll emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. It’s been a brutal journey and there’s no way around it. This situation has caused my friend to miss a lot of work recently. Luckily she has PTO (personal time off - i.e. paid vacation time), which has been a blessing. Unfortunately, her bank of PTO hours is waning, and more time off will most certainly be needed. Knowing this, their family has been preparing the finances to take unpaid time off to navigate the weeks ahead.

Recognizing this and also caring for their friend/colleague, her co-workers decided to step up. In a very creative idea, they volunteered to donate some of their own PTO time to their struggling friend, meaning their sacrifice allows her to get additional time off without losing her pay. I couldn’t have loved this story more! These people have zero obligation to her, surely have their own issues at home (financial or otherwise), and could have just kept doing what they were doing. But they didn’t! They had something to give, and gave it!

Such a beautiful model of what generosity looks like. They gave what they had, not what they didn’t. I hope you find some creative opportunities this week to share what you have.