Leading Kids to (Financial) Hoarding
"You don't need that."
"Don't waste your money on that thing."
"You shouldn't be giving away so much."
"You need to save better."
"You shouldn't spend on that."
"You need that money more than they do."
These are the comments we make to our kids. Do you see a theme? Guilt and shame. Not intentionally, usually. Slowly but surely, we're chipping away at their hearts for spending and generosity. We're trying to help them be "responsible" with money, but what we're really doing is raising our kids to financially hoard. Get more. Have more. Build wealth. Become "independent."
If I had a nickel for every time a parent approached me and said, "My kid is so good with money. He/she doesn't spend anything. He/she saves everything."......well, I'd have a lot of nickels! See the narrative? Saving is responsible. Saving is THE win. If that's true, anything other than saving is irresponsible.
After twenty years of this narrative repeated over and over, we've created a generation of hoarders.
Like the family that makes $320,000 per year but "can only afford" to give $300/month.
Like the family with $1M in their checking account (yes, checking) that fears having nothing tomorrow.
Like the 60-year-old couple with $7M in their retirement accounts and two jobs they despise, but worry whether they can take care of themselves now and in the future.
Like the young single lady who makes $150,000 per year, but can't emotionally get over the hump to buy herself a pair of jeans.
Like the teenager who works a bunch of hours at his job, but declines invites from his friends to go out to eat on a Friday night, citing he "shouldn't waste money like that."
Like the family who saves $6,000 per month into retirement, but isn't yet able to give. However, once they have $x saved, they will be comfortable enough to start giving.
We parents have groomed our kids to become hoarders through guilt and shame. “Guilt” and “shame,” the two primary feelings expressed by countless adults when discussing their relationship with money. They feel guilt. They feel shame. Then, immediately after using those magic words, they share the comments made to them over the years (especially during their formative kid years). Ouch!
I have good news, though! No, we can't erase our past mistakes (unless you have a Delorean I can borrow!), but we can create a new narrative beginning today. Whatever your kids' age, even if they are adults, it's not too late to begin talking about money through a different lens.
While Sarah and I haven't gotten it all right with our kids, here are the narratives playing under our roof:
We can never be too generous....it's not ours to begin with
Spend money on fun things
Use discipline to save for bigger purchases
Work hard
I hope my kids are irresponsibly generous. I hope they buy fun things and sometimes experience buyer's remorse (it's a good, tough lesson). I hope they show discipline in saving. I hope they develop a strong work ethic. But I pray they don't turn into hoarders.
Our kids deserve better, and we parents have the power to give it to them. You got this!