Don’t Let the Kids Feel It

Today was (hopefully) the last of a string of dentist appointments for one of our kids. It's been an expensive few months. We're grateful for our medical sinking fund, but it's starting to put some pressure on our monthly budget.

Today's post isn't a sob story about our recent medical costs. Instead, it's about something often associated with expensive times in life. When these situations arise, it's common to discuss them verbally. Communication is good. Conversation is good. Discourse is good. All good.....with one exception. We need to ensure the kids don't feel it.

We parents, whether intentionally or unintentionally, are placing immense guilt on our children. Kids feel the weight of this burden. They carry it perpetually. "Do you know how much this is costing us?" "Wow, that appointment was expensive." "We're paying a lot of money for you to ____."

These single, seemingly innocent comments can have a detrimental effect on our kids. I have clients who share stories about remarks made by their parents 25 years ago, and as a result, they've refused to accept any help or aid from them ever since. These are deep wounds. Kids, turned teens, turned adults who feel like they are a burden to their own parents. Their parents probably haven't even thought twice about their seemingly innocent comment since the moment it left their mouth 25 years ago, yet it's impacting their relationship decades later. That's how powerful the weight of this guilt feels to our kids.

While I will openly discuss finances with my kids (to varying degrees), I will never openly discuss how an activity/expense tied to them impacts us. We need to let our yes be yes, and our no be no. Sports and school activities are a prime example of this. It's common for parents to say yes to something, but then perpetually hold it over their kids' heads. I know parents aren't doing it to be intentionally hurtful. Rather, they do it as an incentive or an act of accountability for the child to follow through. But I also know the damage it's causing to our young people.

Don't share that burden with them. Share it with each other. Share it with a friend. Share it with me. Just don't share it with them. They aren't yet able to process something like that in a healthy way. Let them remain kids. Say no if you need to say no, but please don't say and then hang it over them. Future you will be grateful for this choice when your kids haven't carried that unknown guilt for decades.

You got this, parents! It's not easy, but it's worth it.