Just Buy the Shoes
One of my clients is a hoarder. All her life, she's been told:
"Stop spending."
"You don't need that."
"Save more."
"Don't waste money."
Many of you can relate to this. This didn't happen because parents were trying to be hurtful. Quite the opposite, actually. It's the product of parents trying to teach kids responsibility and discipline.....but they just happened to do it in the most toxic and destructive way possible.
Fast forward to today, and my client is a 35-year-old with a great job, no debt, and investments for the future. Oh yeah, and $400,000 in her CHECKING account. During a recent meeting, we spent 20 minutes deliberating a huge financial decision for her. I'll share what it was: She wanted a pair of shoes. Not just any shoes, mind you; $75 shoes.
Let me summarize. A grown woman, making good money, with nearly a half million sitting in her checking account is consternating over a $75 pair of shoes. This is the product of being told to "quit spending" for 20+ years. Ironically, she's financially free, but a slave to herself.
"Just buy the shoes," I kept saying.
All clients leave our meetings with a handful of next steps. That day, she had just one: "Buy the shoes.....without guilt."
At our next meeting, she recounted the stress and turmoil she felt buying something she "didn't need." She tried not to feel guilty, but there was an overwhelming sense of impending financial doom, as if this $75 purchase was the gateway drug to utter financial destruction. Much to her surprise, though, her world didn't cave in around her. She was fine.
Over time, she slowly but surely worked her way into buying things she didn't need. The guilt slowly evaporated. Her relationship with money began to heal.
This story may sound crazy to you, but millions of Americans are battling this as we speak. I suspect many readers might be as well. If that's you, please know you're not alone.....and this isn't the end of the story. You can find freedom from this curse.
Parents, it's not too late for your kids. You don't have to inadvertently send your kids careening into the guilt abyss. Here are a few tips to help you in the parenting journey:
Instead of saying, "We can't afford it," tell your kids it's not in the budget this month.
Instead of telling your kids to stop spending on things they don't need, encourage them to not spend on things that don't add value to THEIR lives.
Instead of obsessing over saving, teach them to find a healthy balance between saving, giving, and spending.
Instead of not letting your kids spend money on stupid things, allow them to make mistakes and learn from them. Sometimes, those stupid decisions are the best lessons, and it's best for them to learn them when they are younger and the mistakes are cheaper.
Lean hard into generosity. When we learn to give to others with no expectation for something in return, we can learn to respect ourselves.
Guilt doesn't belong here. Just buy the shoes.
I’m so grateful for my client for allowing me to share her story. Her hope is that her experience can be a springboard for someone else to find peace in this as well.
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