I Guess I’ll Go There
Today's post will be a bit different than most. It's a post I never intended to write, but I feel an unshakable nudge to do it. I'm not sure what the impact could or should be, but I pray whatever impact it has, it outweighs the discomfort and possible consequences of writing it. I'm also willfully exceeding my self-imposed 500-word limit, but I hope it's worth it!
Occasionally, I'll get hit with a particular question that shakes me to the core. I immediately know the answer to said question, but I rarely answer it head-on. Those closest to me know the answer, but outside of a select few, it's a mostly unknown piece of my story......well, until today. Here's the question:
"You look at life very weird." Yeah, I realize that's not a question. That's the typical setup to the question. Here's what follows: "Why do you see the world the way you do, and what makes you choose the weird life you live?" That's a paraphrase, but it's an amalgamation of the various ways it gets asked.
Several factors probably play into that answer (including faith), but there's one specific factor that, as you'll see in a moment, perhaps moves the needle more than I care to admit. For more than ten years, I have lived under the threat of death (at the hands of another). I've been told it will happen, and others around us have been told it will happen. Not if, but when. It's been an ever-present piece of Sarah and I's lives. We've worked with authorities in multiple municipalities, but unfortunately, nothing can be done until something happens. It feels a bit ironic that "something happening" is me dying, but once that something happens, there's no longer a reason for authorities to protect me from something happening. Oh well, I've made peace with this long ago.
I've always joked that the end of my life will appear on a Dateline episode. It's a tasteless joke, I know. But perhaps it's the joke I needed to tell to work through the insanity of my situation.
I lived in fear for the longest time. Anxious about where I was. Nervous to post on social media. Hesitant to put myself in vulnerable situations. Then, it dawned on me; I was treating myself as if I were already dead.....which is just as bad as death itself. The other person, without even following through on their promise, had already won. That moment sparked an immediate and drastic shift in me.
Instead of living as if I were dying, I would live as if I were celebrating the fact I was still alive. It made me think about meaning, impact, and relationships. I realized that if my life were ultimately cut short, I ought to live with as much meaning and impact as possible while I have the chance.
I don't think about this situation as much anymore. It's not part of my everyday life, and I no longer look over my shoulder. While enough time has passed to cause this threat to (hopefully) become an asterisk in my story, there's no doubt it influences my decisions and which paths I take in this journey called life. I hope I live a long and meaningful life, but if it's going to get cut short for any reason, at least it will be a short AND MEANINGFUL life.
I'm fascinated by people who have looked death in the face. Cancer champions, car crash survivors, and a myriad of other wild situations. One thing that stands out for most is that their experience has significantly altered how they see and approach life. Meaning. Purpose. Gratitude for the time here. The realization that our time is limited.
I just met a new friend yesterday who lives with unapologetic joy, purpose, and meaning. So much so that I brought up this concept with her; I knew something must have happened. Sure enough, she shares the most tragic and painful story imaginable. She stared death in the face, and while it was excruciatingly heartbreaking, something beautiful came out of it: the life she leads and the impact she's making on this world.
While I don't wish terrifying and life-threatening experiences on anyone, I deeply desire each and every person to understand how special this opportunity of life is, find meaning in all of it, and not wait until tomorrow to "actually enjoy it."
Yeah, I'm definitely weird. But I know a lot of other weirdos who also view and live life differently. I hope they realize how much impact they are making, and more importantly, I hope you self-identify with them!
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