The Baggage We Carry
I had my semi-annual dentist visit yesterday. Everything was going smoothly....until the hygenist reached for the waterpik. I was immediately filled with dread. As soon as they started using it, my mouth wasn't open as wide, my lips were locked, and my entire body tensed. She could immediately sense it. "You must have a story," she said.
She was right. One of the worst medical experiences I've ever had involved the use of a waterpik. About three years ago, I was given a harsh introduction to this new tool. The hygenist told me it might tickle a bit. Instead, what I received was a nerve pain that shook me from my brain down to my toes. I still get queasy when I think about that memory. Yesterday, as soon as I saw the waterpik, those memories came flooding back.....and I was struck with fear. What happened to me in the past influenced how I felt and behaved yesterday.
It's much the same with money. We all have a story. Whether we like it or not, we're a product of how we were raised and what we experienced. We might not have been taught about money, but we were learning. By the time we become adults, we become an aggregate of everything we've been through.
This is the very first conversation I have with new clients. I share this principle with them, then ask them to share about their childhood. It's cool to see lightbulbs above people's heads when they connect a past situation with how they are wired today.
I'll give you an innocent example. If the husband is the primary financial manager in a relationship, there's a strong likelihood that one or both spouses experienced their father playing that role when they were growing up. The same can be said the other way around when the wife is the primary financial manager.
Here's a not-so-innocent example. When I'm meeting with someone in their late 20s or early 30s, there are two types of common behavioral traits:
He/she hoards money and never feels like there's enough.....even if there's an excessive amount.
He/she doesn't care about money whatsoever. It presents itself as non-engagement or detachment.
When either of these traits arise, I'll ask him/her to share what 2008/2009 looked like in their home. See, people in their late 20s and early 30s were in their formative teen years when the Great Financial Crisis struck. What millions of Americans experienced, including their teenage kids, was sudden and violent. The lens by which these teens witnessed the world is going to bed one night with a perfectly normal and stable existence, and woke up the next day to utter chaos. One day, things were great, and the next, they were forced out of their home, and their family's lifestyle quickly eroded.
In these people's minds, everything can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Therefore, we need to hoard, hoard, and hoard......or, screw it, it doesn't matter anyway. They have a story, and their story profoundly impacts who they are today.
To be continued, but take a moment to think about your own journey. What have you gone through in your past that impacts how you perceive and handle money today?